Wednesday, October 17, 2007

An(other) Open Letter to Canada

Dear Canada,

I really don’t mean to obsess about you, but it’s hard not to considering the fact that the temperature remained in the mid-80’s (which is, I think, equivalent to 300 degrees Celsius) with about 107% humidity for quite a while after I made what I thought was a very polite and reasonable request a few weeks ago. Now, after reading Airam's recent post, I can’t help but to wonder if the warm weather was designed to take our focus off of your true motive.

Those of us in the United States have watched with increasing apathy as several states jockey to become the first to hold their party's Presidential primaries. Little did we suspect that you were up there busy hatching a similar but far more devious plan to move your Thanksgiving holiday to the second Monday in October.

Clearly, you’re trying to provoke us not only by stealing our proverbial Thanksgiving thunder, but by depriving us of the massive influx of Canadian currency that generally streams across our borders each Columbus Day. In doing so you’ve created an economic shortfall here in the States that could, quite frankly, send our economy into tailspin from which we may never recover.

Normally, we’d threaten to invade at this point, but as you can imagine, our troops are stretched a little thin. However, there are a few threats that we’re prepared to deliver on should you not move your Thanksgiving holiday to, let's say, the fourth Friday in November. For beginners, we will stop broadcasting our TV shows in your country. If that fails to work, we will be forced to encourage our current President to become a Canadian citizen and run for Prime Minister. You can say he won't win, but that didn't stop him here in 2000.

The choice is yours Canada. I await your response.

Your Friend,