Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Drew-daism

Chuck Klosterman kicked off his book "Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" with an essay in which he theorized :

"It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn't the number-one box-office star in America, because every straight girl I know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherf**ker. For upwardly mobile women in their twenties and thirties, John Cusack is the neo-Elvis..."

As I idly considered all forms of torture that would be preferable to listening to Hugh Grant sing, it struck me that the female equivalent of John Cusack might very well be Drew Barrymore. If her movie roles are anything to go by, she's an attractive, intelligent, sweet, somewhat innocent woman who can not only kick ass, but with whom you can also regularly broach the subject of "sleepovers" with Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu, secure in the knowledge that even if she gets upset(which she almost invariably will given the aforementioned innocence) she'll forget everything by the next morning.

And, when it comes right down to it, isn't that pretty much what every man wants in a woman?1

1 I'm kidding, of course. We all know that all a man really wants is a partner with whom he can grow old as they bask in the glow of their love for one another and blah, blah, blah.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Prose-titution

Earlier today I came up with a great idea for a blog post. Not only was it going to be the funniest thing that I've ever written, but it was also likely to be the most insightful, moving, and - frankly - life altering piece of prose ever written.

Sadly, the soul sucking commute into the city caused me to forget the brilliant idea flitting about in my head - probably forever. Now all I can ask you to do is imagine that I had written it and that you're now wiping tears of laughter (and a few wistful ones) from your eyes and realizing that you'll never look at your life the same way again.

No need to thank me, though. The look in your eyes is thanks enough.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Life Lessons: Relationships and Weather Reports

The NYC metro area saw it’s second snowfall of the year last night, which sent news broadcasts into an orgasmic frenzy over what they (somewhat over-dramatically) called "Winter Storm 07." As I watched TV this morning while getting ready for work, I discovered that there are a few things you can say on the news that you can’t say to a woman, including:

“…2 to 4 inches is going to make things painful this morning.” and;

“If you look down, you’ll see a slushy mess."

Friday, February 23, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXVI

Random Friday Thoughts:

Another workweek has come and gone and what do I have to show for it? Well, a paycheck I suppose but those have been kind of depressing ever since the bank teller saw the amount of my deposit and said "Oh, you work part-time?"


My sister is bringing Jasmine out for breakfast on Sunday. That should be fun. She cracks me up.


It takes a special kind of person to cut the line at church on Ash Wednesday.

What's this American Idol thing that people are talking about? They only devote 25 minutes of every hour to it on the Fox 5 news broadcast every morning.

Anyway, on to the WiP:


A skier was found frozen to death this weekend after stepping outside to use the bathroom during an ice storm.


Modern technology has allowed researchers to shrink themselves and take walking tours inside of Vice President Cheney's head.


In a scene reminiscent of Mission Impossible, a trained monkey dropped from a tree and stole a valuable performing goat from a street performer.


Long thought to have only happened in cartoons, a man actually blew his top when his daughter brought home yet another slacker boyfriend.


For her part, the daughter blames her decisions on the fact that she's a little mixed up.


Daisies suffering from petal dysfunction have launched a campaign to have their water supplies supplemented with Viagra.

This week's video is "Flathead" by The Fratellis:



Racked with despair and longing, Britney Spears shaved her head in an effort to look more like her ex-husband Kevin Federline.


Reports indicate that she later completed the transition by putting on a pair of earrings and penciling in some stubble.


Bayern Munich and Real Madrid became the first teams to decide a match using FIFA's newly implemented "Tango Off" tiebreaker system.


Archaeologists believe that they may have located the mythical "Bridge Over Troubled Water."


Trojan brand condoms launched their new mascot this week, who will present safe sex seminars at high schools across the country...


...all the while accompanied by his sidekicks, the Condomettes.


And finally, the Hubble Telescope sent back what astronomers believe to be compelling evidence that God is, indeed, watching us.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I Can't Decide

Whenever I'm blue...I remember to breathe.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

*phew*

Sorry (again)

Whenever I'm feeling down I spend time thinking about things that I can't decide and then I get so confused that I can't remember what bothered me in the first place. For example I wonder:
  • If I like cilantro

  • If Robin Thicke is talented or merely a second rate Maxwelll

  • If I have a crush on Heather Graham (erm...the actress, not the author)

  • If fedoras are stylish cold weather wear or hopelessly outdated

  • If brownies should be considered a food group

  • If Ernest Hemingway was the manliest man ever or merely the one most guilty of overcompensating

  • If a Tempur-Pedic mattress would aid or impair sex

  • If I'm a child of a lesser God

  • If working in NYC leaves you ill equipped to work anywhere else

  • If it's possible to have an IQ in the negative numbers

There's probably more but I think I've bored you enough.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Lenten Goodness

It's Ash Wednesday once again, which means I got to break out one of my favorite old jokes when my sister IMed me this morning.

Her: Don't forget that it's Ash Wednesday.
Me: Thx
Her: What are you giving up for lent this year?
Me: Self-denial

And then we laughed and laughed until our stomachs ached and tears streamed from our eyes. Good times, my friends. Good times indeed.

*sigh*

The truth is that I've chosen to forgo chocolate during this year's Lenten period. In all honesty, my decision may have had something to do with how amused and alarmed I was by the fact that in addition to such wholesome ingredients as semi-sweet chocolate, soy lecithin, sugar, and cornstarch, the Nestle Sno-Caps that I enjoyed on the ride home last night also contained carnauba wax

On the bright side, its like getting my stomach lining detailed in advance of this evening's visit to St. Patrick's Cathedral for the 6 p.m. commuter special distribution of ashes.

P.S. - Feel free to click on link if you're interested in reading my admittedly dubious History Channel-esque version of The Origin of Ash Wednesday.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Win Poor

I was badly in need of a caffeine fix yesterday afternoon and the free coffee they have here wasn't cutting it so made a quick run to Starbucks. When the order of the woman in front of me totaled $11.11, the cashier1 exclaimed “I need to play those numbers! I’m going to call my mom to right now and tell her to do it for me!” 2

Now I didn't really mind listening to her talk to her mom while I waited for my coffee because, to be frank, I wasn't in much of a hurry to get back to my office. It also gave me time to speculate as to how soon it would be before she went broke playing Win 4.

I mean, think about it for a second. She's a cashier. She spends the entire day dealing with numbers.3 If she plays every number that comes up on the register, she's going to wind up in trouble. It'll be only a matter of time before she starts stealing overpriced Starbucks novelty items and selling them on eBay to support her habit. From there its a slippery slope that can only lead to her sitting in a subway station with, ironically, a Starbucks cup in hand and a sign saying “Went broke playing Win 4.”

Then again, perhaps I'm just cranky because my order total wasn't worthy of a call to her mom.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1I’m sure that there’s come cool Starbucks-trademarked name for the cashiers like “Cashieristas” or something like that.

2Had the woman's order come to $18.90, she would have won. Turns out the difference between wining and losing was a mere two mocha lattes.

3And overly complex caffeinated beverage orders.

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXV

Random Friday Thoughts:

In a sad commentary on my life, I spent Valentine's Day dinner the Executive VP of Human Resources and a VP of Human Resources. Nothing says romance like three guys at a steakhouse.

Thank God for the long weekend ahead. Having no life at all should permit me plenty of time to read and relax over the next few days. After the past few weeks, I really need something to help me de-stress.

I really need to stop being a nice guy. Too many people seem to mistake niceness for weakness.

Dumbass that I am, I slipped on the ice while hurrying for the train this morning. The lesson taken from that was that it's amazing how quickly you can utter the word "f**k" while in midair.

What the hell is "Steel Cut Oatmeal" and why would I want to pay $4.00 for it?

Let's move on to the WiP:


Cartoon star Bugs Bunny is being sought for questioning after eyewitnesses reported seeing him abduct a man identified by associates as a hunter named Elmer Fudd.


Ricky Martin dropped by the White House to give President Bush a few tips on performing fellatio.


Dismayed at the lack of paparazzi following her every move, Paris Hilton was reduced to snapping pictures of herself during a recent shopping trip.


An enterprising young man who wanted to impress his girlfriend allowed his friends to repeatedly punch him in the kidneys so that he could pee a romantic red message in the snow.


The Internet crashed briefly on Valentine's Day when billions of people posted sickeningly cute pictures of animals kissing.


Archaeologists in Florida have uncovered what they believe to be some sort of ancient athletic field.


Fashion week in New York City closed with shows featuring Curious George's winter line...


...and the latest in Ninja Wear.


Motorola's new Razr 9mm is becoming increasingly popular among women who are tired of men yelling "Yo Chula! I can get your number?!?" as they cross the street.


Women no longer need to worry about running out of toilet paper in public restrooms with the release of the new "Scotts Extra Soft Tissue Hat" line.


A farmer who operates in the shadow of the new nuclear reactor in Beijing has suddenly begun to grow record sized tomatoes.


Troops in Iraq are attempting to bond with the locals by engaging them in games like "Simon Sez."


In sports, the ExxonMobil Oil Spill swimming championships kicked off this week.


Television stations all over the New York area have breathlessly devoted entire newscasts this week to a strange phenomenon in which a white, powdery substance fell from the sky for a few hours.


A woman once shunned from her village for being the product of a union between a woman and a zebra is now the highest grossing model in the world.


In other bestiality news, a scientist in China is said to have fathered at least a dozen panda cubs.


There is evidence to suggest that he plied the mothers with alcohol before sleeping with them.


A Wisconsin man has filed for divorce from a 72-inch, 102-pound sturgeon that he married while under the drunken impression that it was a mermaid.


And finally, the rufous treepie bird won the prestigious "2007 Most Well Endowed Avian" award.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

News Update: Valentine's Day Edition

Police are on the lookout for a cherub who has been shooting arrows at passersby for the better part of the day. Eyewitnesses describe the assailant as approximately three feet tall with blond hair, blue eyes, and sporting a pair of wings and a diaper.

Most recently, he fired on an officer who was attempting to apprehend him in a subway station, causing the policeman to cease his pursuit and fall in hopelessly love with a homeless man who was sleeping on a nearby bench.

Authorities released a composite sketch of the suspect and cautioned that he should is considered armed and dangerous. Anyone with information on his whereabouts should contact the police immediately.


In other news, yet another man has joined the group claiming paternity of the late Anna Nicole Smith's five-month-old daughter, Dannielynn

54-year-old Hilbert Gottfried of Springfield, Missouri added his name to the growing list of possible fathers which already includes Smith's partner and lawyer Howard Stern, her former partner Larry Birkhead, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, and her bodyguard Alex Denk.

In contrast to the others Gottfried was never publicly linked with the former Playboy model and he readily admits to never having met her. He does, however, claim to have had fantasy sex with her “literally tens of thousands of times over the last decade.”

“It tailed off recently, especially after she had the baby,” Gottfried admitted, “but for a long time we were nearly inseparable. When things were at there most intense and passionate, there were times when I'd visit her images on celebritynudes.com at least a half a dozen times a day.”

Despite his claim, the unemployed construction worker doesn't hold out much hope that the courts will rule in his favor.

“There's no way a little guy like me can compete with those rich guys and their fancy lawyers...and the fact that they actually had slept with her."

Monday, February 12, 2007

Lunch Review

Reading pinknest's blog on a daily basis has apparently had a not-so-subtle impact on my dining habits, for when I found myself hungry at lunchtime this afternoon, I chose to eschew my normal habit of grabbing a few Asada tacos with nachos and salsa in favor of a more refined dining experience. So with apologies to the aforementioned pinknest - and with a complete lack of mouthwatering pictures such as those she posts - here's a summary of the experience.

After a brief debate about the merits of various types of cuisine, my co-worker and I chose what we assumed was a Scottish restaurant that opened a few weeks back. Upon entering we were taken by surprise by the informal atmosphere and the notable absence of Haggis on the menu (not that I would have eaten it, mind you). After quizzing the waitstaff we learned that they actually specialized in traditional American fare.

Undaunted, we perused the menu and placed our orders. Despite the swarm of diners around us, the service was excellent and just a few minutes later we were enjoying our salads.

Hers was a harmonious blend of crisp greens, warm orange glazed grilled chicken, snow peas, edamame, mandarin oranges, and toasted almonds topped with sesame ginger dressing. I opted for the mixed greens with grilled chicken, grape tomatoes, shaved carrots, grated Parmesan cheese, savory garlic croutons and Cesar dressing.

Anxious to sample an appetizer, we opted to split a dish of tender chicken medallions in a honey mustard glaze. The chicken melted in our mouths and we could barely contain our chagrin when we realized that we'd finished them.

After a brief respite, we moved on to the next course. As the more health conscious of the two of us, she made the heart smart choice, opting for a tender juicy grilled chicken breast topped with Swiss cheese, crispy bacon, fresh lettuce, and ripe tomato on a honey wheat bun. I, on the other hand, went with the manly burger, topped with cheese, fresh lettuce, a savory pickle, crisp onions, and an amazing sauce which, I later learned, consisted of (among other things) relish, vinegar, eggs, onions, garlic, mustard powder, and paprika.

Having devoured our entrees, we sat back fully sated before realizing that we'd forgotten about dessert! As a friend of mine has been teaching me lately, no matter how full you are, there's always room for sweets. That bit of wisdom became our mantra as we made our selections.

As was the case with the entree, she went the health conscious route with a Fruit and Yogurt Parfait consisting of granola heaped on yogurt heaped on fruit heaped on yogurt. In keeping with my theme of decadence, I selected the hot fudge sundae and apple pie. The cold sweetness of the ice cream contrasted perfectly with the warm, sticky goodness of the hot apple pie.

By the time we pushed ourselves away from the table we were in danger of either exploding or falling asleep standing up. In all, it was among the finest dining experiences I'd ever had - especially when you consider that the entire bill came to just over $20.

For those of you intersted in trying the place out, it's called McDonald's. There may even be one near you. Just look for the big red sign with the golden arches.

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXIV

Random Friday Thoughts:

Twenty-three years later, George Orwell's predictions appear to be coming to pass with recent legislation introduced by a New Jersey Assemblyman that would ban smoking in cars and by a New York State Senator that would fine pedestrians and bicyclists if they use their iPod, cell phone or other PDA while crossing a city streets. Seriously. There has got to be a better use of our elected officials time and efforts.

That said, I'm all for legislation that would allow bystanders to beat senseless anyone who screams into their cell phone in a restaurant, movie theater, or on a crowded train.

For some reason, the death of Anna Nicole Smith saddens me greatly. I have no idea why.

Can't wait for this weekend as I plan to...um...sleep. Oh, and do my taxes; and repair a leaky pipe my kitchen ceiling; and patch the ceiling where it leaked; and put in a new shower door for my parents; and go food shopping, and...

You know what? I can't wait for Monday to come so I can rest and relax at work.

Anyway, lets move on to the WiP:


Microsoft kicked off it's launch of the new Vista operating system with by having an end user symbolically hang himself in frustration over another crappy product.


Children around the world are in danger of having their wintertime fun ruined by the ongoing snowman strike.


After years of hiding from the public, the reclusive Yeti agreed to pose for a photo shoot which will appear in next month's GQ.


A zookeeper in Berlin was arrested after police found hundreds of illicit polar bear cub photographs on his computer.


Following the lead of many former child stars, Little Red Riding Hood has taken on an edgier persona in an apparent attempt to shed her wholesome image.


In other fairy tale news, Alice topped the year's list of "Worst Dressed Women in Wonderland."


Hannibal Lechter is reportedly head over heels in love with a woman he met recently through an Internet dating site.


The sculptor who created last year's controversial sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth has created a follow up entitled "Britney Feeds Her Children"


Many HDTV owners complaining that their picture quality is actually significantly lower than what they experienced with traditional TV sets.


Archaeologists theorize that the main reason for the demise of the Neanderthals is that they took forever to mate.


The air conditioning system at the Akshardham Temple in New Delhi broke down during a heat wave this week, forcing the government to deploy of thousands of soldiers to run back and forth in an effort to cool the building.


Millions of football fans watching the Super Bowl pre-game festivities were disappointed when the giant alligator failed to eat any of the hundreds of annoying Cirque du Soleil performers.


Meanwhile, a Chicago Bears fans was so embarrassed by his team's performance that he vowed never to show his face in public again.


A restraining order was issued against Alfred Hitchcock after the famed director reportedly stalked several fashion models during a recent show.


City officials worldwide are struggling to control an explosion in the pigeon population resulting from God's current obsession with creating them.

This week's video is "Boston" by Augustana



A Tiger Shark caught what is believed to be a world record 180 pound, six-foot surfer while humaning off of the Hawaiian coast.


Daniel Radcliffe is trying to make ends meet between Harry Potter films by starring in a series of bestiality films.


A man is in critical condition after being attacked and savagely beaten by a gang of Muppet as he rode his bike through a local park.


Celebrity super-couple Death and the Angel of Death held a joint press conference to rail against the current trend towards higher life expectancies.


In a related story, their six-year-old son wandered off during the event but was found by a local policeman and returned to the parents who, for their part, were unfazed.

"I mean, it's not like we wouldn't have been the first to know if someone was trying to kill him..." explained the father.