Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Of Blogs and Writer's Block

Whenever I have writer's block, I take a quick tour of the blog world and, um, steal some ideas from others.

On an inspirational note, Jen's mom gave her some of the best advice I've seen of late:

"El verdadero descubrimiento no consiste en buscar nuevas tierras, sino en mirar con nuevos ojos" Marcel Proust (The true discovery consists not in looking for new lands, but in looking with new eyes)

Which reminded me of something I read a while back (and I'm paraphrasing here)

Go through life looking at things as if you're seeing them for the first time or for the last time. and your life will be filled with wonder.

On a more disturbing note, stepping listed the NuvaRing (pictured above) as one of her favorite things. Despite her enthusiasm for the product, I remain skeptical. I can't imagine how holding a ring between the thumb and forefinger would keep a woman from getting pregnant. I think someone is gettting duped here.

It strikes me that the method suggested in their website banner would be a much more effective - albeit unwieldy - method of contraception.


Tuesday, May 29, 2007

More Bad Jokes

It's Tuesday. I'm back at work and filled with self-loathing induced in small part by my failure to complete ellipsis rehab.

And then there's my recent inability to sleep for more than an hour or two a night. So if any of you need some extra work done, just send it my way. Apparently I have tons of new found free time on my hands.

Anyway, it's been a while since I posted stupid jokes, so here are a few of my favorites.

No need to thank me pinknest. As for the rest of you, please try not to groan too loudly as you read these. I'm about to try to take a nap and I don't need you waking me.

Joke 1
Q: What's the quickest way to kill a whole circus?

A: Go for the juggler.

Joke 2
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Joke 3
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.

One turns to the other and says "Hey. Is it me or is it getting hot in here?"

The other says "Holy s**t! A talking muffin!"

Thank you blog world! Good night!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Summer Hours

Summer hours begin for us tomorrow, which means we'll be closing at 3:00 p.m. every Friday between now and Labor Day. That makes me feel like dancing like the guy below - which is good because I've grown weary of feeling like the kid at the end of the clip.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Things Change Back, Too

Sorry, there will be no post today.

Well, that's not really true, is it? Because here you are reading today's post.

I guess I meant to say that I won't be posting anything interesting today. Then again, I suppose that's the norm for this blog, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm not having the best life at the moment.

Funny how much can change in the short period of time from here to....well...here.

I recognize that life has it's ups and downs. It's just that my downs seem to always be accompanied by people pointing and laughing at me.

Erm...sorry. I'll stop now.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

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Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually going into rehab for my ellipsis dependence problem.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Is That A Bat In Your Hands...

Call me childish, but this headline had me giggling like a sixth grader this morning.

Now I hate the Yankees as much as the next guy, but even I have to admit that if he really did do in the Sox with that particular organ, then Alex Rodriguez is clearly the manliest man on the planet.

I found this headline is only slightly less amusing. It also brought back memories. For the life of me, I'll never understand why that line didn't work for me while I was in high school.

Yes, this is how I begin my mornings. Why do you ask?

Monday, May 21, 2007

Question of the Day

I've been pondering this for much of the day...

If I'm against debating the meaning or the interpretation of a word, sentence, or other language form, does that make me anti-semantic?

Friday, May 18, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXXIII

Random Friday Thoughts:

Two days ago it was sunny and the temperature was in the mid-80s. Today it's rainy and 55 degrees. I enjoy cool days like this, but these weather shifts are worse than Kool-Aid Man's pants.

I've never been so tired in all of my life. I have no idea why. I just hope I'm not pregnant.

I wish it were last Friday again. Weekends are so much better and more relaxing when you're away.

It looks like softball will be rained out on Sunday so I'll need to find another excuse to drink beer at 11:00 a.m. Perhaps I'll go do it at the Church.

Anyway, let's move on to the WiP...


Outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair has begun to respond to all questions posed by reporters by saying "What has to index fingers and doesn't give a f**k any more? Tony Blair!"


A government study in India indicates that teenage male elephants often become trunk-tied when they approach members of the opposite sex.


Spider-man was voted off when he received scores of 2 out of 10 from the judges on the new reality series "Rate the Superhero's Lovemaking Skills."


Immediately upon leaving the studio the despondent web-slinger threw himself out the window, suffering two displaced hips in the fall.


Manu Ginobli lead the San Antonio Spurs to victory over the Phoenix Suns the other night by confounding his opponents with his clever magic tricks.


Paris Hilton prepared for her upcoming jail sentence by practicing showering in a public setting.


Body language experts say that you can tell when a woman is attracted to you by the sparkle in her eye.


A recent study in India indicates that in addition to not putting all of your eggs in one basket, it's probably not a great idea to do it with all of your mangoes either.


Um...remind me to never rent a bicycle in Madrid...


A British scientist claims has developed an intriguing new theory that all automobiles may have evolved from the same prehistoric ancestor.


Theologians made the shocking discovery that shifts in religious affiliations are due in large part to whoever happens to be winning at a given time at the Poker Table of the Gods.


You know that shudder you get when it feels like someone is walking over your grave? Well, this is the guy that does that.


The Ice Hockey World Championships were delayed for several hours when the Russian team lost the puck during warm ups.


And finally, an unidentified man strolling down the sidewalk in Tokyo' s Shinjuku district suddenly fell in love this afternoon.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Retirement Planning

I woke up this morning, crossed another day off of my calendar, and realized that I only have 9,244 more days to go until retirement.

Yes, just a mere 25.32603 years from now I'll be sitting on a lawn chair in my bathrobe composing angry letters to the editor in my head while I watch the local children running around playing some sort of PlayStation579 game involving holographic aliens invading the neighborhood. I'll smile benignly at them until they step on my lawn, whereupon I'll unleash upon them a vitriolic diatribe about their lack of respect for my personal property.

Yes, I'm looking forward to those days - but mostly this was about finding a way to work the words "vitriolic diatribe" into a post. It's a phrase I don't get to use nearly enough.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Travel Tips: Denver

I'm back and ready to tell you all of the things I did while I was in Denver.

Ready?

Okay, first I got to see the conference center auditorium, then the conference center restaurant, then the conference center bar, and finally my room. I repeated that sequence of events for the entire three days. All of which was, of course, bracketed by a journey from the airport, and then back to the airport. In fact, the airport was so lovely, I decided to include a picture of it.

Anyway, I had intended to write an in-depth travel essay for you but because my experience was so limited I was forced to make some sweeping generalizations about the city and it's inhabitants. Here's what I discovered:

  1. They feed you a lot.
  2. Outdoors may look lovely, but they'll almost never let you experience it.
  3. They enjoy holding people hostage in dark conference rooms where they flaunt their freakishly in-depth knowledge of commercial real estate..
So, you know, you'll want to keep those things in mind in the event that you ever decide to visit there.
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Best two lines overheard during my travels:

1. During one of the few breaks during which we were able to wander outdoors:

"People always say how beautiful Denver is, but it feels like a desert someone plopped down in the middle of a mountain."

2. At the conference center bar:

Woman: "No, I won't go back to your room with you."
Man: "Why not?"
Woman (shouting): "Because you're married and you got, like, nine kids and a dog!"


And for the record, I wasn't the guy in that last conversation

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Rocky Mountain...Hi?

Okay kids, I'm off to Denver for the rest of the week to attend the MORE conference. What's the MORE conference you ask? Well, first and foremost, it's an excuse for me to get out of New York for a few days. It's also the annual Marketing, Operations...um...Research?...uh...Excellence? meeting. To be honest, I have no idea what MORE really stands for and the reality is that you'll never know the difference - nor will you likely care.

Anyway, heading up to the Rockies makes me think of two things.

First, anyone who has ever had sex in Denver can be said to have joined the mile high club.

The second item is a bit of trivia for you to ponder in my absence.

Did you know that the movie Rocky was originally set in Denver, and that the fighter's name was Rockie Balboa? In lieu of the famous scene in which Sylvester Stallone runs up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, the original scene called for him to sprint up the side of a mountain, clinging to the rocks in front of him and gasping for breath in the thin air (a scene later used in Rocky IV when he trains in the snow and runs up a mountain prior to fighting the invincible Russian boxer Ivan Drago, played by Brigitte Neilsen 1 look-alike Dolph Lundgren).

Anyway, the plan was scrapped after location scouts deemed the city "not gritty enough" and the producers decided to shoot the movie in Philadelphia.

And you know that's all true...because it's right here on the Internet.2

Now y'all behave while I'm gone, and I'll expect to see plenty of comments upon my return.
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1 Of Flavor Flav flame fame

2Of course, none of the Rocky stuff is true.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Celebrity Birthday

According to the Captivate Network - which you'll find installed in elevators across the country as a clever way to keep people from talking between floors - Breckin Meyer turns 33 today.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday that I had no idea who he was and now...wait a minute...

It was only yesterday.

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On an unrelated note, they were giving away packets of Morning Orange flavored Totally Light 2 Go this morning. Of course, I took one because, let's be honest, who wouldn't take a packet of powdered drink mix from a complete stranger on the streets on Manhattan and ingest it shortly thereafter? Besides, it was 100% of my RDA of vitamin C and zero calories in a convenient straw package designed to pour directly into bottled water.

Upon reaching my desk I quickly tore open the package, dumped it into a bottle of water, shook it up, and gazed in rapt wonder upon it's fluorescent orange color. The first sip was pure bliss... if by pure bliss you mean something akin to watered down Tang with a bitter finish.

On a scale of 1 to 5, I'd give it a .005. In other words, if I had to choose between drinking that concoction and getting scurvy, I'd be spending the next few months picking my teeth up off of the floor.

Friday, May 04, 2007

The Week In Pictures LXXXII

Random Friday Thoughts:

Our local blood drive campaign is kicking off soon. I want to give blood, but I can't help feeling that it's all in vein.

HA, HA, HA, HA

Sorry. I just throw in the stupid jokes for pinknest in return for all of her tips on where to find the best food in NYC.

I'd like to think of witty things to say, but it's sunny and warm outside - and it's also lunchtime - so I must venture forth in search of sustenance.

Let's move on to the WiP:

Angry citizens in Minsk, Belarus, are calling on their government to come up something to stem a recent infestation of overly aggressive lightning bugs.


Animal rights activists gathered for a demonstration protesting conditions that have forced many cats to live in the gutter.


Dr. Frankenstein moved into his recently purchased penthouse in Singapore.


Despite an intensive search, local police say that they have been unable to determine the location and amount of heroin that was reportedly smuggled in to the area last night.


Children's rights proponents are calling for an end to Japan's popular Infant Sumo Wrestling competitions.


Free styling motocross world champion Mat Rebaud was last seen flying through Greece after his throttle became stuck a few days back forcing him to cling to his motorcycle for dear life.


Recently unearthed photographic evidence reveals that the Grand Canyon was once nothing more than a bucolic river retreat.


X-ray emissions from thousands of hours spent in front of the television have turned a New Jersey family into negatives of themselves - making them the first black-and-white family to watch color TV.


Domino's Pizza is experimenting with ways to increase efficiency by training their workers to make as many as four pies at once.


Gymnastics federations are considering imposing minimum weight standards after a competitor was blown across the mat at a recent event when a gymnasium door was accidentally left open.


Gratuitous picture of Kelly Monaco.


Competitive diving will never be the same after a diver received a perfect '10' for a belly flop from the high board.


God settled the "What came first, the chicken or the egg" debate by proving that he created both at the same time.


Archaeologists searching for Noah's Ark made the embarrassing admission that the Ark had actually been discovered quite a while ago and converted to waterfront condos sometime in the mid 1980's.


And finally, the Royal Canadian Mint unveiled a gold coin gold coin that's as big as a car wheel and as thick as a hardcover novel, leaving Canadian fashion designers scrambling to create pants with pockets big enough to hold it.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Life Lessons: Idol Chatter

Oh. My. God.

Did you see American Idol last night? Wasn't it amazing when that famous person or group sang that song?

Did you see when they voted that person off? It was so sad. And how could that other person still be among the finalists? He or she must have a lot of friends out there voting for him or her.

Anyway, did you see it?

Life Lesson: I never watch American Idol, but I've discovered that I can save myself at least 30 minutes of inane conversation every Thursday morning by uttering lines such as the ones above.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Eating Disorder

Today's lesson is this: Eating alone on a frequent basis adversely impacts one's table manners.

I was reminded of this recently when I was out to lunch with one of our Managing Directors. While he gracefully cut each piece of meat, taking care to place his knife on the plate and switch his fork from his left hand to his right before eating, I shoveled food into my mouth like a starving convict trying to down the last pork chop. While he dabbed at his mouth with his napkin, I sucked spilled food off of my tie. While he sipped his water, I downed glasses of wine like a pirate on shore leave. While he swallowed before speaking, I spoke with my mouth full, spraying food about like a machine gun toting hero trying to fight off a pack of zombies.

In summary, I seem to have lost every ounce of class I've ever developed.

Not much to lose, I'll grant you, but an impressive feat regardless.