Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXXV

Random Friday Thoughts:

Summer hours continue; I'm working in the Long Island office, just a few minutes from home; there's a weekend of beautiful, cooler than normal temperatures ahead; and I have no softball game on Sunday, which means that I won't need to wake up at 7 a.m.

Those are all great things, right? So why do I feel so frustrated, and tired today?

All I know is that I'm heading to the gym right after work to get rid of some of this stress so that I can enjoy the weekend.

Anyway, let's move on to the WiP:


According to Paris Hilton, she went on Larry King's show this week because she'd been reading the Bible while in prison and wanted to meet someone who actually knew Moses.


A massive education effort is underway after recent study showed that most unwanted pregnancies are the result of improper condom use.


The usually reserved Wimbledon Tennis Championships are a different place this year since the All-England Club turned the stands into a spinning carnival ride.


Tragedy struck when a sumo wrestler attacked a young, diaper wearing boy who had crouched on the playground to relieve himself.


Some archaeologists are working on a revolutionary new theory that dinosaurs weren't nearly as large as previously suspected.


As has been suspected for years, recently uncovered photographic evidence reveals that President Bush is really a ventriloquists dummy, operated by Vice President Cheney.


The ASPCA is seeking to bring charges against a woman who has allegedly been using baby deer antlers to pop the locks whenever she accidentally leaves her keys in the car.


A United Airlines pilot was suspended for repeatedly terrifying passengers and construction workers by buzzing buildings under development.



Marine biologists are frantically working to save the life of a shark that accidentally swallowed a chainsaw.


It was an embarrassing moment for a woman at Britain's Royal Ascot Races when a gust of wind revealed her fashionable hat to be nothing more than an elaborate comb-over.


Scientists working on the Human Genome Project say that ethnicity is even more clearly mapped into DNA than they'd ever imagined.


And finally, there is growing concern that polar bears in captivity are adapting human characteristics, including playing children's games such as Hide and Seek.

Snicker-ing All the Way to the Bank

In light of the recent lawsuit in which a dry cleaner was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants I've decided to sue Mars, Incorporated for $100 million because the Snickers bar that I snacked on yesterday was neither packed with roasted peanuts nor did it really satisfy.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

It's Not the Heat, It's the Stupidity

Ah, how I hate New York in the summer. It's the only time of year when you're drier in the shower than you are when you step out. The air is so thick that it's generally easier to swim from Penn Station to my office rather than walk.

Frankly, the only thing that makes a day like today bearable is the knowledge the terrible miscarriage of justice has been righted and, as a result, Paris Hilton once again walks among the masses.

In other NYC news, a growing number of people continue to line up at the Apple store on Fifth avenue (which I have to admit is one of the coolest pieces of retail space anywhere) so that they can be among the first people to buy a$400 cell phone that nobody has even tried, yet. When I grow up, I want to be Steve Jobs. Meanwhile, nobody is waiting outside any of the Cingular (now AT&T) retail stores

Anyway, if the weather stays this brutal for the next few days we should be able to smell them

Anyway, I should get back to work since my boss is visiting yet again today. Van is actually a pretty cool guy and great to work for, but after a few days of having him here, I'm ready to just tell him to go.

Hey...Van. Go.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Ugh...sorry.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Kellogg's Code

Given that my assistant was on vacation, I gave the folks at Kellogg's the benefit of the doubt yesterday and assumed that they'd been unable to reach me and were sensitive about leaving a message at my place of business. To be honest, I admire their professionalism.

I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon emailing and calling their corporate offices to discuss their interest in my idea. This morning I was rewarded with a cease and desist order from their legal team .

A person of less intellect than I might be dissuaded by their communique, but after perusing the letter (and the accompanying restraining order) I quickly realized that it was nothing more than a coded message designed to trick their competitors into thinking that Kellogg's had no interest in my idea.

"Restraining Order" for example, was an anagram for "Garrison Trendier" which meant that they felt that my new breakfast was going to put their Battle Creek headquarters (Get it? Battle Creek = Garrison. Very clever) on the cutting edge of breakfast cuisine.

"Cease and Desist" was a little tougher to decode. At first, I was convinced that it was "Ace Dense Sadist." Ace was clearly a nod to my brilliance, and the rationale behind Dense was fairly obvious to anyone that knows me. But the Sadist part was confusing. Did they think it cruel to drown their precious Mini-Wheats in yogurt? If so, why was it okay to drown them in milk?

I was baffled and about to give up hope when suddenly the clouds lifted and the words "Seaside Descant" appeared as if by magic. Seaside is, of course, a nod to the fact that I live on Long Island and work on the island of Manhattan. Descant - for those of you lacking in musical knowledge - refers to an ornamental melody or counterpoint sung or played above a theme - just as my Mini-Wheats 'n Yogurt idea is head and shoulders above anything on the market today.

Brilliant.

Two can play at that game, so I expressed both my interest and admiration by sending back an anagram of my own which read "I hate you f**kers."

How do long you suppose it will take them to they figure out 'Freakish, cute you?'

Monday, June 25, 2007

Monday Musings

Sorry, bad case of writers block today, so the best I can do is allow you to follow-along with a typical day in my life.

8:20 a.m. - Frosted mini-wheats dipped in blueberry yogurt is an amazingly delicious breakfast. Clearly, I'm a breakfast genius. If I don't post for the remainder of the day, it's likely because the folks at Kellogg's are trying to steal me away with a seven-figure salaried position on their R&D team.

9:30 a.m. - My assistant is on vacation this week. How the heck am I supposed to screen my calls now?

10:20 a.m. - My boss just arrived from Chicago for a visit. I'd forgotten he was coming. Fortunately, I was away from my desk in a meeting when he arrived and, as a result, had cleared all incriminating evidence from my computer and office prior to my departure.

10:50 a.m. - Still no calls from Kellogg's. Perhaps Mondays are especially busy in Battle Creek, Michigan.

12:35 p.m. - Lunchtime! Clearly this is the highlight of my day thus far. I can't wait to mix various and sundry foodstuffs to see what new concoctions arise.

1:24 p.m. - Oddly enough, Chinese noodles and tapioca don't go all that well together. I just hope this doesn't mean I'll be pigeon-holed as a "breakfast guy" forever.

1:25 p.m. - If I wanted to make anti-freeze, could I just take away her blanket?

1:54 p.m. - I wonder what an old-age home for super-heroes might look like.

3:41 p.m. - I just fired off an angry letter to the folks at Kellogg's. They shant treat me in this fashion any longer. I refuse to have anything to do with them. Unless, of course, they call me. Then, of course, all will be forgiven.

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXXIV

Random Friday Thoughts:

Just curious. When bees are too tired to fly, do they go to the buzz stop?

I flew back from California on Monday after an amazing week with SSC and the boys and, to be honest, it's been really difficult to adjust to being 3,000 miles away from them again. In addition, it's been a roller-coaster of a week and I'm glad the weekend is finally upon us so that I can deal with things without letting it affect my job.

That said, let's move on to the WiP:


Many lonely, older women are having themselves fitted with cup holders in the hopes of making themselves more appealing to potential suitors.


As part of their new partnership with the makers of Alpha-Bits, Maxwell House's Alphabet Coffee hit store shelves this week.


Gillette is branching out into the fashion industry with its new line of Satin Care Shave Gel dresses made entirely of foam.


The hot new trend in plastic surgery is laser breast lift surgery, which lasts for only seconds and can be done fully clothed in the physician's office.


California prison officials released this photo, which they claim shows Paris Hilton attempting to smuggle her pet dog into prison via one of her body cavities.


In a related story, Nicole Richie is desperately seeking new friends to pal around with now that her former-best-friend-turned-bitter-enemy-turned-friend-again does her prison time.


Former rebels Princess Leia and Han Solo gave birth to a daughter recently.


The baby is seen largely as an attempt to save the couple's marriage, which faltered when the Princess was caught canoodling on a Caribbean beach with former bitter enemy Darth Vader.


A panda in the National Zoo was detained this weekend on voyeurism charges after he climbed a tree and peered into his neighbors bedroom.


Looking to boost ratings by capitalizing on the current trend towards extreme sports, Sesame Street is taking on a new approach to teaching children numbers.


While the the Teletubbies are trying to broaden their appeal by releasing a cover album of the Beatles famed "Abbey Road"


The world's first solar powered boat continues to be stranded at sea each night that they don't get back to the dock by sundown.


Jealous American Idol runner-up Justin Blake has been pulling down Jordin Sparks' tops at every American Idols Live Tour event.


Gratuitous picture of the breathtakingly beautiful SSC.


The Cleveland Cavaliers lost the NBA Finals to the San Antonio Spurs after LeBron James and Donyell Marshall accidentally Crazy Glued their privates together.


Meanwhile, the Spurs Manu Ginobli was roundly ridiculed for doing the Macarena after the series clinching game.


Rescue workers using the "jaws of life" were able to save nearly 20 children who became trapped in their hula hoops during recess.


Recent evidence suggests that, in addition to beauty, tourists are sometimes in the eye of the beholder.


The Indonesian government is scrambling to find a place to hold it's track and field events after aliens swooped in and stole Bung Karno Stadium in Jakarta.


And finally, GMC unveiled a new school bus design that they say virtually eliminates the chance of rollover accidents.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

So...

Yeah. Um...as you may have noticed, I've been away for a few days.

So...uh...what did I miss?

Go ahead. You can tell me.

I'll catch up on my work e-mails while you fill me in. When I come back, I'll entertain you with fun-filled tales of my zany life in New York. You'll laugh; you'll cry; it'll become a part of you.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sorry, there are a few more messages than I thought. This could take a while. Feel free to entertain yourselves in the comments section until I return.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Critics Dumfounded as WiP Renewed

Random Thoughts from NYC announced today that they have renewed the Week in Pictures for another season. The renewal came as a surprise to many critics who have dubbed the feature, which had been waning in popularity, as "The Weak in Pictures" particularly given that the renewal came with an increase for the head writer that tripled his salary from $0 per post to $000.


"Joe is a comedic talent not seen since a young Robin Williams charmed the masses in the early days of Mork and Mindy," a representative of the blog said. "His jokes about bestiality, bodily functions, and his ability to compare celebrities to various woodland creatures will go down int he annals of comedy history."


Meanwhile, reaction in New York's Bryant Park was mixed.


"I have no idea what you're talking about." said Mort Goldstein, an 87-year-old retired bricklayer from Canarsie.


"Never heard of it" said a 23 year-old tourist and aspiring dancer who identified herself only as Candy.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Aromatherapy New York Style

Warm, summer-like temperatures signaled the start of New York City's annual "Aromatherapy in the Subway" campaign.

Early indications are that for the 100th consecutive year, "Urine" will be used as the signature scent in most stations, while "Body Odor" will be piped into the subway cars themselves.

Friday, June 08, 2007

My Secret

The first time I saw her, I was awestruck. As I watched her enter the room, it was as if everyone else in it had ceased to exist. The person to my left had been in the middle of a story, but her words suddenly seemed nothing more than a faint buzzing an immeasurable distance away. I lost sight of her when she sat at her table - which turned out to be a blessing as I would never have been able to pay attention were she in my line of sight.

Soon enough we did a quick exercise that required us to change tables. For whatever reason, the person next to me asked me to switch pieces of candy with her, and being a gentleman, I did. I turned out that those candies were then used to determine our new seating arrangements and, as luck would have it, the person that took my candy wound up sitting at the table with the woman who had intrigued me so. Frankly, I’ve never quite forgiven her for that.

Later, those of us that were new to the organization were asked to stand up and introduce ourselves. I scarcely remember what I said, so worried was I about making an impression on her. I sat down again and spend the remainder of the day thinking of ways to introduce myself.

When we broke for lunch, I asked someone the name of the woman that had so captivated me, and when I was told, I couldn’t believe that this was the same person whose voice had so enraptured me on the phone the first time we’d spoken, and who I made sure to call when a problem arose every time thereafter.

I tried to meet her during lunch, but I got sidetracked by an overly chatty co-worker. I went back to the office afterwards, only to learn that she had taken advantage of the early departure granted by our boss and went home to prepare for our holiday party that was scheduled to take place that evening. Rather than sit in my hotel room, I drove to the beach and looked upon the ocean until sunset, counting the moments until I could see this woman again.

After an eternity, the day passed and I was at the Aquarium awaiting her entrance. I made small talk with my co-workers, but my eyes kept drifting back to the door. When she did enter, she once again became the only person in the room to me. So much so, in fact, that I initially failed to notice the gentleman accompanying her. When I did see him, I masked my disappointment by excusing myself from my current conversation and getting a drink from the bar.

I tried to remain occupied, but still I couldn’t keep myself from glancing over at her. Finally, I worked up the courage to speak with her, and she immediately began to apologize for an issue that had occurred during our first telephone conversation. Frankly, I’d forgotten all about it as it hadn’t been a big deal in the first place, but I continued to talk to her about it because I didn’t want our conversation to end. It was as if being away from her would be akin to being allowed into heaven for a minute only to be cast back down to earth.

Still, out of respect for the man by her side, I tore myself away. Throughout the night I kept finding my way over to her and soon everyone knew that I was enraptured. They even began to tease her about it. For my part, I made friends with the man that had escorted her to the event . I was surprised to find that I wasn’t jealous because, somehow, the fact that she was happy was the only thing that mattered. I didn’t care who made her happy – whether it be me or someone else – only that she was happy enough to laugh so that I could see her beautiful smile as it lit up the room. A few days later, I learned that the man with her was nothing more than a friend that had agreed to take her to the party. I wish I’d known that from the beginning.

As the night drew to a close, I spend every possible moment by her side. When the time came to leave, I watched her walk out the door with a mixture of regret and longing. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. So much so, in fact, that another woman offered to come back to my room that night and I turned her down because all I wanted to do was replay that evening in my head and figure out a way to get to know this woman.

Upon my return to NYC and my office, I wrote an email to AMG telling her how much I enjoyed meeting her. She failed to respond.

Two days later – much to my surprise – she wrote back. Her son had been sick and she’d been out of work for a few days. We began to correspond and then to talk on the phone and then, well, I fell in love with her. As I suspected, she is the most amazing woman in the world. Funny and smart and humble. Strong yet vulnerable. Beautiful in every sense of the word. She’s a wonderful mother and daughter and a good friend. My best friend, in fact. And the more I get to know her, the more I love her. And the longer I know her, the more difficult and endless each moment apart from her becomes.

You know her as SSC. I know her as my other half.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Random Thought

Back in the days of the Wild West, a cowboy might be given a cool nickname like "Tex". Of course, he might also be given a slightly less cool nickname like Bucky or Stinky or Giggles the Prancing Sheriff - but that's another post entirely.

The days of swaggering cowpokes and gunslingers are long past, though, and six shooters on the hips have been replaced by portable electronic devices - all of which makes me wonder why we haven't started giving people nicknames like "Text".

Okay, get back to work, now.

And stay tuned for an exciting revelation early next week.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Life Lessons: I'll DCing You

I'm in Washington, D.C. (actually Georgetown) for the next two days and I've already discovered that our office has imposed some draconian IT restrictions designed to prevent me (and I'd imagine other employees) from accessing personal e-mail accounts and IM.

It's almost like they expect the employees here to work or something.

It's madness, I tell you.

Madness.

Fortunately, they seem to have overlooked Blogger and Haloscan.

And that brings us to today's life lesson:

There's always a way to avoid working. You just have to be willing to work hard enough to find it.