Wednesday, October 31, 2007

An Open Letter to Google

Dear Google,

During one of your periodic updates to blogger, you added a feature to the comments box which allows users to receive email notifications whenever someone posts a follow-up comment.

In theory, this is a nice little widget but if I were to use it on my blog it would obliterate what little self-esteem I have left. For example, when I check my comments now, I think things like "Hmmm...no comments. Haloscan must be having technical difficulties." before going on my merry and self-deluded way. If I were to go back to blogger comments, I fear that this new
feature would turn me into a internet era Charlie Brown, constantly checking my virtual mailbox and collapsing with a weary sigh when I see it empty once again.

So please have some mercy and remove this widget.

Your Friend,

Joe
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Apparently while I was off in SoCal for the weekend and up in El Segundo for meetings on Monday and Tuesday (most of which were spent trekking up and down N. Sepulveda Blvd or staring out the window at Raytheon's cool private park) I was furious to return and find that someone had the nerve to throw a wild party on the internet1 and, quite frankly, there was no way I was ever going to get those wine stains out of the blog template. So, as you may have noticed, I was forced to roll-out the re-branded template without all of the fanfare. That said, we were able to put together a special thank you to our readers as part of the celebration, so if you look under your seat, you'll find a key to a new car.

If it's not there, than someone from the party must have stolen it.2

And finally, a bad holiday joke for pinknest:

Q: What do ghosts and goblins like to eat for lunch?
A: Halloweenies
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1 See pictures here, here, and here

2While I'm at it, I'm also disappoitned that nobody took it upon themselves to update the blog in my absence...but that's another open letter just waiting to be written.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Scratch n' Sniff

In a fit of hubris during a recent post I suggested that everyone "join the fun by commenting on the changes, suggesting new sponsors that you - our reader - would like to see, and much, much more!" Little did I expect anyone to read the post (hence my failure to make "reader" plural), let alone take me up on it. So I was shocked saw the ever-crafty pinknest's request for scratch and sniff items.

Never one to disappoint a reader, I'm happy to say that I not only took the challenge, but I've successfully developed the world's first-ever scratch n' sniffTM blog post.

Just scratch the image below and sniff away.



Scratch n' Sniff for iMac users:




Scratch n' Sniff for laptop users:



Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Pumpkin Pic-ing

It's been a while since I posted pictures of my three-year-old niece, Jasmine, so I thought I'd show you how cute she counties to be - and funny, too. The other day my sister overheard her talking to her doll saying "Remember Baby Lilly? Grandpa calls me 'Baby', Mommy calls me 'Princess', Uncle Joe calls me 'Pumpkin', and Daddy calls me 'Stinky'."


She recently learned how to wink, much to the surprise of a stranger in the store who winked at her and was surprised to see her wink back.


Here she is on the couch with her constant companion, Baby Lilly.


And this is the big fake smile she gives when she's hamming it up for the camera.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Brand New

With the test marketing of our new title and layout, which can be seen by clicking here.

And a brand new celebrity sponsor!




Now you can join the fun by commenting on the changes, suggesting new sponsors that you - our reader - would like to see, and much, much more!

Act in the next 30 seconds and we'll throw in pithy responses to your comments absolutely free!

So what are you waiting for?

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXX

Random Friday Thoughts

My grandmother had a heart attack on Thursday. Typical of her, she's out of the hospital and has bullied the doctors into letting her go back to work on Monday. She's nearly 90 years old...and one of the most amazing people in the world.

Former British Primer Minister Tony Blair was the speaker at one of our company's events this week. I have to say that it was really interesting to hear him speak and, as one would expect, he's one of the more charismatic and impressive speakers I've ever had the good fortune of seeing.

I think this is the first time in forever that I've posted every day in a given week. Hopefully you won't have to deal with that again at any point in the near future.

Okay, I'm operating on approximately 90 minutes of sleep today, so I'll shut up now so that we can move on to the WiP (which I posted without captions yesterday (hence the comments) in the hope that somebody would do my job for me. Sadly, nobody did):


King Kong spent the week working out the kinks in his evacuation plan in the event he's attacked the next time he climbs the Empire State Building.


Another low-cost carrier has burst onto the scene. The airline, which consists of nothing more than a missile strapped to a carnival swing ride, is offering one-way flights from New York to "LA-ish" for only $30.


Professional bodybuilder Dayana Cadeau of Canada had a brief bout of modesty before snapping a man in the audience in half for ogling her too closely.


In a similar story, a man was briefly hospitalized after unwisely choosing to make lewd and suggestive comments to the woman piercing his lips.


A feline spent all day on the computer yesterday involved in what his owner called "a vicious game of cat and mouse"


Women can now step right from the bath to a night on the town with the new Shower Pouf clothing line.


Designers say that they're perfect for everything from a quick drink after work to an evening at the opera.


Phillips is recalling thousands of light bulbs it became clear that their design engineer misunderstood their instructions to develop a new spotlight.


A British soccer team was roundly beaten in a match last week after becoming confused about which way to stand on the field.


The Headless Horseman took a break from tormenting Ichabod Crane recently to take in a football game.


A woman barely escaped with her life when she was set upon by ravenous butterflies after accessorizing by putting a sprig of milkweed behind her ear.


When questioned about his choice of reading material at a local park, this local man described himself as "a big book fan."


Sesame Street is rocked by a scandal in which thousands of rubber ducks have come forward to lodge complaints of inappropriate bath-time touching by celebrity Muppet Ernie.


Police were dispatched to keep order when they held a massive rally near the studios in Astoria where the show is filmed.


And finally, an artist has created a sculpture called "Britney Spears Jeans" which is comprised of the approximate number of beers that the average man would need to drink before considering trying to get into them.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Bran-tastic?

Who says you can't make truffles from tree roots?

Well, actually nobody says that because it's a pretty stupid thing to say. Be that as it may, I can only imagine the consternation within the Kellogg's marketing team tasked with trying to help increase sales of All-Bran cereal. I mean, how can you possibly market the appeal of that product?

Well, apparently the answer is to embrace the obvious and put out an ad designed to either amuse your target audience or to put them off of your product forever.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

An(other) Open Letter to Canada

Dear Canada,

I really don’t mean to obsess about you, but it’s hard not to considering the fact that the temperature remained in the mid-80’s (which is, I think, equivalent to 300 degrees Celsius) with about 107% humidity for quite a while after I made what I thought was a very polite and reasonable request a few weeks ago. Now, after reading Airam's recent post, I can’t help but to wonder if the warm weather was designed to take our focus off of your true motive.

Those of us in the United States have watched with increasing apathy as several states jockey to become the first to hold their party's Presidential primaries. Little did we suspect that you were up there busy hatching a similar but far more devious plan to move your Thanksgiving holiday to the second Monday in October.

Clearly, you’re trying to provoke us not only by stealing our proverbial Thanksgiving thunder, but by depriving us of the massive influx of Canadian currency that generally streams across our borders each Columbus Day. In doing so you’ve created an economic shortfall here in the States that could, quite frankly, send our economy into tailspin from which we may never recover.

Normally, we’d threaten to invade at this point, but as you can imagine, our troops are stretched a little thin. However, there are a few threats that we’re prepared to deliver on should you not move your Thanksgiving holiday to, let's say, the fourth Friday in November. For beginners, we will stop broadcasting our TV shows in your country. If that fails to work, we will be forced to encourage our current President to become a Canadian citizen and run for Prime Minister. You can say he won't win, but that didn't stop him here in 2000.

The choice is yours Canada. I await your response.

Your Friend,

Joe

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

NYT Best Sellers: Fiction or Advice?

Imagine my amusement on Sunday when I was scanning the NY Times Books section and noticed items 7 & 8 on this week's Harcover Fiction Best Sellers list. (click on picture to enlarge and scroll down)


Monday, October 15, 2007

That's One Way of Putting It

Co-Worker: ...and one of her best qualities is that she’s as loyal as the day is long.

Me: So she’s only loyal for 24 hours?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Bob-ing for Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts from NYC has been putting the dumb in random for over three years now. Over that time, we've seen our readership soar from two or three hits per day to as many as ten. We're proud of the work we've done, and with our particular brand of award winning fiction, hard hitting journalism, and Pulitzer quality pictures - we're looking forward to servicing both of our readers for years to come.

Hold on...that didn't come out quite right.

Anyway, with that in mind we're proud to announce the kickoff our our re-branding effort. Over the next few days weeks months years you'll to see major changes to the look and feel of the blog. However, you can rest assured that we'll still maintain the excellent good passable barely readable post quality that you've come to expect.

Today marks the kickoff of that effort. After months of negotiations including bribery, blackmail, and (I'm not ashamed to say) many teary late night phone calls in which we I cried and bared our souls my soul, I'm proud to say that we've landed our first celebrity spokesperson

Ladies and gentleman, I present the man that Time Magazine described as a master poet, caustic social critic and intrepid, guiding spirit of the counterculture generation - the legendary Bob Dylan!





Tuesday, October 09, 2007

By George

For some reason, celebrity sightings abound these days. Over the past two months, I've spotted John Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Robin Williams, Lucy Liu, and Kristen Johnsten at various places around the city. Then last week, I saw Cameron Diaz with Ashton Kutcher and his mom, Demi Moore, at Prime in Huntington. And finally, on Saturday evening I arrived at the Post House for our guys night out only to discover that George Clooney was sitting at the table across from us.

Just as they respect my privacy by not interrupting me to tell me how much they love my blog, I don't bother them while they're doing things like pointing me out to their security detail. Instead, the celebrities and I usually amuse ourselves by taking discreet (and grainy) pictures of each other with our respective cell phones. What I didn't count on was the aforementioned Mr. Clooney becoming so jealous about the stream of blog readers stopping by my table to ask me for an autograph and perhaps a funny caption for their family photo that he actually had the restaurant hang a sign calling attention to himself.

Click on the photo to enlarge and see for yourself.


After seeing that, I did make it a point to stop by on the way out to whisper "Have some pride, George." It was hard to get too mad at him, though.

After all, the blog life is pretty glamorous.

Friday, October 05, 2007

The Week in Pictures LXXIX

Random Friday Thoughts
I'm going to sleep for about 40 straight hours this weekend. I only got about an hour and a half of sleep last night and it's a miracle I'm even upright at the moment.

The Long Island Fall Festival takes place this weekend in Huntington in case any of you want to join me in some wholesome family fun. 1980's teen pop icon n Deborah (Debbie) Gibson is scheduled to perform on Saturday night. A good time should be had by all in spite of that.

Meanwhile, I'll be out with the guys on Saturday evening for our annual outing to the The Post House for dinner followed by a few hours of cigars and fine wine at Club Macanudo.

And with that, let's move on to the WiP:

A fashion show model had to hurry backstage for repairs after the under wire in her bra snapped as she strode down the catwalk.


Meanwhile, a designer at the same show is facing some harsh criticism, leaving many wondering how he had the balls to create designs like this.


President Bush embarrassed himself at the UN Summit recently when he misunderstood someones invitation to "sit on the throne"


Even more troubling were reports that he called his daughter Jenna to ask that she bring him some reading material.


Hong Kong is studying ways to eradicate the giant dandelions that have recently sprouted up around the city.


A mime was suspended for three years after it was discovered that he'd been cheating while performing his "man in a box" routine.


This is how many beers it used to take for a woman to even consider being with me. Ah...the memories.


A man is hospitalized and in critical condition after being beaten with the object pictured in what police officials are calling the worst heart attack they've ever seen.


The Department of Motor Vehicles is trying to make up for it's budget shortfall with a controversial new plan to issue driver licenses to dogs.


A pair of inspirational events took place this week when a man climbed a mountain despite the fact that his amputated foot had been replaced with a bale of hay.


While a woman placed third in the rhythmic gymnastics competition even though she was suffering from a debilitating case of hoof-in-mouth disease.


The old woman who lives in a shoe recently added an extension onto her house.


Playskool is targeting an older audience by including bags of Ecstasy tablets in each Mr. Potato Head sold.


A paratrooper was expelled from his platoon after his fellow soldiers complained that his gas problems made it impossible to hold formation in the air.


An Ivory Coast woman is suing for divorce after learning that she was not married to the actual former prime minister Alassane Ouattara, but has merely been with a poster of him for the past 30 years.


Succumbing to outcry from safety groups concerned about the globe spinning out of control, famed Greek God Atlas added tethering strings and hired a team of spotters to help him hold up the earth.


In entertainment news, millions around the world mourned after a T-Rex failed to eat Whoopi Goldberg.


And finally, a judge has ordered Britney Spears to wear clothing warning all potential lovers about her mental state.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Cut-lery to the Chase

For some reason every time I go to the lunch room or break room to grab a fork or spoon lately, I discover upon my return to the desk that I've somehow accidently grabbed a plastic knife.

On the one hand, I seem to be amassing quite an impressive collection. On the other, I can't help but wonder if I should read anything into this.

Thoughts?

Monday, October 01, 2007

Capital Idea

While there is no direct impact on commercial real estate, there is some concern that the recent housing bubble burst brought on by sub-prime lending practices may have a chilling effect on business - particularly as it relates to Investment Properties.1 As a result, there is increasing focus on expense control here, and reminders about fiscal responsibility are often prefaced with the phrase "Due to the volatility in the Capital Markets".

Much to my own amusement (and almost nobody else's), I've discovered that you can reference that phrase in pretty much every conversation. For example:

  • I had Mexican for lunch and my stomach is more volatile than the capital markets.
  • Due to the volatility in the Capital Markets, I'm going to focus on reducing consumption by watching football on Sunday in lieu of grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, and doing laundry.
  • Get out of my office before I get more volatile than the Capital Markets.
Now feel free to go annoy your friends and family with this handy phrase.

There's no need to thank me. The look in your eyes is thanks enough.

1 Notice how it almost sounds like I know what I'm talking about.