Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Final Countdown

A few weeks back I realized that my old tagline "We put the dumb in random" wouldn't work with the new blog name (except for the 'dumb' part, of course) and so I asked for help in creating a a new one. In doing so, I failed to consider two things - that people are far more creative than me and that I'm horrible at decision making - so I need your help again. I've narrowed it down to the top 20 suggestions, and I'd like to know which one you'd choose if you were me.

Word of advice: try not to spend too much time thinking about being me.

  1. Not Your Daily Grind

  2. Because tea is for pansies

  3. Steamin' hot and hits the spot and will get you through the day!

  4. The best part of waking up...[something something]?

  5. You want cream with that?

  6. Do stupid things faster with more energy

  7. Pucker up and take a sip!

  8. One lump or two?

  9. Something good is brewing - but you have to get through the froth.

  10. We put your perk in the percolator.

  11. Fill it to the rim

  12. Tastes as good as it smells

  13. The coffee-er coffee

  14. Great taste, less filler.

  15. It's not everyone's cup of tea.

  16. I liked it better when my template worked in firefox.....

  17. bet you didn't know ol' joe was so hot!

  18. Stale donuts and news served daily

  19. Just the way you like it - old and bitter

  20. For the cool kids, because Java's for geeks.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Key Line Pie

One of the best things about having StatCounter is that keyword analysis is a great source of blog fodder on those days when you can't think of anything else to write. Here are some of the more interesting recent searches along with my commentary (in italics) for each.

Catholic Church on anabolic steroids
That explains why it’s so big.

How long it takes from ejackulation for sperm to reach an egg to be fertilized
Probably just slightly longer than it takes to run spell check.

Pumpkin pie devotions
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more orange, and meant for autumn...

Pinky the testicle tearing tabby
Who says cats can’t be fun?

Thanksgiving euphemisms
Erm…stuffing the turkey?

Why was Rickey Martin touching his penis in 2005 Victoria secret?
Certainly not for the same reason the rest of us were.

Pothole in Brooklyn
Right…because there’s only one of those.

Buy toy soldiers in NYC
One of the city’s many failed tourism slogans.

Dress for trial attorneys closing arguments color of ties
Because tie color is the Roe v Wade of the new millennium.

I made you a pumpkin eated me
Don't blame me. You knew the risks when you started making pumpkins.

Pilot Cloyd Sob
With that name, his eventual career choice was a no-brainier.

Penis John Carew
Unfortunately, John’s parents were far more cruel than Cloyd’s.

Joe rogaine 2 girls 1 cup
All the ingredients for a fun weekend.

Homemade sex toy
You start with rogaine, 2 girls, and 1 cup...

Cup o' joe out of business
Wishful thinking.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

World Piece

While walking by a travel agency yesterday I noticed a sign that read "The Entire World Is On Sale here!"

And I thought "That's ridiculous."

I mean, even if I could afford the entire world, where would I possibly put it?

I do, however, have my eye on a small piece of the Swiss Alps that would look perfect in my backyard.

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Month in Pictures: October 2007

Random Friday Thoughts

In a nod to my hectic work schedule (though I'll classify this as part of re-branding), the Week in Pictures (WiP) has been rechristened as the Month in Pictures (MiP) from now on. In keeping with current trends, I'm going to classify this as a "Green Initiative" in that it allows me to conserve 75% of the energy I used to spend each month writing this.

It's raining. And cold. And the leaves have finally begun changing. I really enjoy this time of year. The only problem is this: I'm about to fall asleep at my desk.

So let's move on to the WiP...erm...I mean MiP


A woman is still shaking her head in puzzlement after her boyfriend's proposal. "I wondered what he meant when he hinted at buying me a 5,000 karat engagement ring," she said.


Zoologists in the Arctic have stumbled on the novel method that Polar Bears use to keep each other warm.


Scientists are no closer to learning if a bear sh*ts in the woods, but they have confirmed that gorillas do.


Police divers believe that they've found the head belonging to a scarecrow that was decapitated on Halloween night.


A heated debate broke out during a recent school board meeting dedicated to the debate over the merits of Sox education in Boston area schools.


The Tin Man is facing a misdemeanor count of voyeurism after getting caught looking up Dorothy's skirt.


Santa Claus is trying to recapture his enthusiasm for the holiday season by hiring a new batch of elves.


In entertainment news, yet another report emerged this week that Elvis is still alive after a tourist snapped this shot while vacationing in Hawaii.


And a beleaguered Britney Spears showed the judge this photo of her at her new night job in her efforts to prove her fitness as a mother.


A woman was treated and released for injures suffered when an ice cream cone got stuck to her head.


Doctors believe that they've discovered the source of tinnitus.


A man cancelled his plans to climb Mt. Everest with a group of friends after waking up and learning that they'd already decided to eat him should they become stranded.


The night sky will be noticeably less romantic after a group of children that had been encouraged to "shoot for the stars" wound up accidentally hitting a few of them.


The end.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

An Open Letter to England

I left the previous post up for a while in the hopes of finally reaching the coveted '99 Luftballoons' level in my comments, but alas, t'was not to be as we topped out 60 so I'm left with no choice but to post again, this time addressing Great Britain in response to Melinda's comment.

Dear Great Britain,

As part of a promotional initiative in my most recent post , I gave away cars1 to my readers. As a result of your arcane traffic laws, one of those readers, Melinda, is unable to use the vehicle and has offered to return it. The purpose of this letter is to encourage you to alter said laws so that Melinda can keep the car.

Now I realize the massive costs that would be involved in reworking your infrastructure and re-training your drivers, but when it comes right down to it you have a lot more money than I do.2 Even when viewed as a percentage of income (or GDP in your case), it remains significantly cost effective for you to undertake this effort than it would be for me to pay to either ship the car back here or have it modified so that it can be driven there.

However, in the end it all comes down to one compelling argument. You drive on the left side of the road and, as many of us are aware, the word ‘left’ derives from the Latin word sinister. We drive on the right side of the road, which any thesaurus will tell you, is synonymous with “correct.”

Q.E.D as your people might say.

I recognize that you can’t make this change overnight, so let’s just set December 31 of this year as the deadline to have this completed. Please also be aware that until you resolve this issue to my satisfaction, you will be merely Good Britain in my eyes.

I’m here if you need help.

Your Friend,

Joe

1 Actually, I gave away car keys. Little did I suspect that Melinda would find the car to which the key belongs. I can only hope the owner hasn't discovered the theft and called the police on her by now.

2 And that’s not even considering the current value of the dollar against the pound which is at it's lowest point since a pre-pedophile Michael Jackson was rocking the charts with his Thriller album.3

3'Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night / There Ain't No Second Chance Against The Thing With Forty Eyes / You Know It's Thriller, Thriller Night / You're Fighting For Your Life Inside Of Killer, Thriller Tonight.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Tag - That's it!

Back in the heady days when this blog was called "Random Thoughts from NYC" blog, I used the tagline "We Put the Dumb in Random." For some reason, though, that doesn't seem to fit with the new blog - even though the content remains just as vapid as ever.

What I'm trying to say here is that I need your help coming up with a new tagline. So far, the only thing I've been able to conjure up is Just the way you like it - old and bitter but I'm sure there's something better out there.

Any thoughts?