Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Fun with Headlines

When I logged on to Yahoo to check my mail this morning, I noticed an article in the news section entitled "Rice seeks Japan's help with North Korea."

Much to my dismay, it turned out to be about U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s trip to Asia consult with officials on ways to speed up North Korea's full disclosure of its nuclear programs. It had hoped the article would read something like this.

“Rice reached out to it’s biggest consumer, Japan, earlier today to ask for assistance in building a bigger consumer base in North Korea which the side dish sees as critical to maintaining its standing among the most popular foods in the Asian market. Sources indicate that rice made no effort to enlist the assistance of the United States, in part because relations remain strained due to corporate America’s insistence on marketing the barely digestible Rice-A-Roni line of products.”

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


They stumbled through the door, trailing the wires from their electronic devices behind them like tails and causing passersby to stutter-step them for fear of tripping. The ambled about aimlessly, slowly adjusting to their newly nomadic lifestyles.

It wasn't long before things took a turn for the worse. The batteries on their laptops, mp3 players, cell phones, and PDAs began dying, forcing them to communicate with the outside world - a task for which they were ill suited, for they spoke a strange amalgam of languages nearly unrecognizable to those outside of their clan. An insular crowd to begin with, their patience with the outsiders was further tested by the withdrawal induced headaches that began as dull throbbing but quickly graduated searing flashes of agony.

Forced down to their hands and knees by the blinding pain, they crawled back to whence they came. One by one they curled into the fetal position and quietly moaned to themselves as they counted the endless minutes until the emergency re-training was over and Starbucks threw open it's doors again.


In a related story from today's New York Post, it appears that some customers are pretty angry about the temporary closing. My favorite quote was this one:

"What am I supposed to do, make it myself?" fumed NYU student Mallory Drew, 18, at the always-packed Lafayette Street and Astor Place location.

Erm....well, yeah. That's one option.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Caffeine, You Cruel Mistress

I'm in one of our suburban offices this afternoon. One of the problems with being outside of midtown Manhattan is that the other offices are so sedate peaceful boring. As a result, I find myself falling asleep periodically throughout the day.

As my eyelids grew heavy and my head began to sag towards my chest during a conference call this afternoon, my senses were aroused by the sounds of a cappuccino maker chugging away around the corner. I quickly put the call on mute and hustled around the bend, pseudo-environmentally-friendly-polyethylene-coated-paper-cup in hand only to realize that what I'd actually heard in my sleep-deprived state was a wet-vac being used in brief spurts by one of our facilities workers.

So, in summary, I hate New Jersey.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

If You Think Chuck Norris is Tough...

Random Wednesday Thoughts:

I read the other day that Sesame Street turns 39 years old this year. I can only assume that upcoming episodes will include The Count calculating his cholesterol, Big Bird getting a prostate exam, and Cookie Monster scarfing down Viagra.

Last week marked the 25th anniversary of the release of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' album. Incredibly, seven of the nine songs achieved top 10 status on the Billboard charts. The other two songs - 'Baby Be Mine' and 'The Lady in My Life' - were never released as singles. The rest were as follows:

"Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" - (#5 Hot 100, #5 R&B)
"The Girl Is Mine" - (#2 Hot 100, #1 R&B, #1 Adult Contemporary)
"Thriller" - (#4 Hot 10, #3 Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Singles & Tracks)
"Beat It" - (#1 Hot 100, #1 R&B)
"Billie Jean" - (#1 Hot 100, #1 R&B, #9 A/C)
"Human Nature" - (#7 Hot 100, #2 Adult Contemporary)
"P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)" - (#10 Hot 100)

And who can forget the controversy a few years back when it was revealed that the title track was actually a semi-autobiographical commentary on Jackson's battle with his personal demons?
What? You don't remember? That's because I just made that up. But you believed it for a minute because you read it right here on the internet.

Finally, every time get about 10 seconds into the G2 commercial below, I think "People always talk about how tough Chuck Norris is but Derrick Jeter makes standpipes crap baseballs."

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

L.A. Away

I'm off to Southern California tomorrow evening to spend the long weekend with SSC and the boys. One of the great things about being out there (besides SSC, of course) is the fact that the boys say the funniest things.

For example, Red Ranger and I were playing a game during my last visit when he came up with this:

Red Ranger: I can count in Spanish. Listen: uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, de mayo.

I can't wait to go drinking with him when he gets older.

Then Choo-Choo called me the other day, which lead to the following conversaiton:

CC: "Can I have a favorite?"
Me: "Of course you can have a favorite, buddy. Do you want candy to be your favorite? "
CC: "No, I want a favorite."
Me: "What do you want to be your favorite?"
CC: "I want you to do me a favorite and clean my room."
Me: "Oh a favor! You need to clean your own room, buddy."
CC: "No, it's too hard. It's too much work. I want you to do it."

Just another reason to love going out West. See y'all next week.

Monday, February 11, 2008

An Open Letter to Miramax Films

Dear Miramax,

Let me begin by admitting that I've yet to see "There Will Be Blood" and if history is any indication, I'll probably never see it. You see, there are roughly 5.478 movies that I intend to see, many of which I own in DVD form, none of which I will likely ever watch unless they're showing on TV on a night when I'm too drunk or tired to change the channel.

However, the reviews are excellent. Two leap to mind:

"A brilliant masterful film." and

"Intelligent, audacious, and intense, with images that will linger in your mind long after you've left the theater."

Of course, my awe is tempered that the former was written in a publication called "Ain't It Cool News" and the latter is from American Cinematographer - a publication that you'd just assume would be targeted at cinematic image fetishists. Still, you've received a number of Academy Award nominations, so congratulations on what I'll concede is a brilliant film.

Anyway, the point of this letter is to thank you for providing me with a line that I can wander around the office spouting. It probably speaks to the banality of my work days, but nothing is more fun than shouting "I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT UP!" at unsuspecting co-workers.

So thanks, Miramax.

Your Friend,


P.S. - I've also found that shouting "Draaaiiinnnaaaggge. DRAAAIIINNNAAAGGGE!" in the men's room is a great way to get the place all to myself, so thanks again!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Super Tuesday

Everyone keeps referring to today as "Super Tuesday" but so far I've found it to be mediocre at best.

Of course, it's also Fat Tuesday - and judging by my expanding waistline, it appears that I'm already on board with that one.

Other than that, it's a crappy day. I'm disappointed that none of you have come by to cheer me up.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Eighteen and Uh-Oh

So apparently there was some kind of football1 game yesterday.

I can't believe the national media never even mentioned it. It even had a catchy name. They called it the "Super Bowl"

We really need for news organizations to get on top of these thiings. Next thing you know, they'll spring a Presedentail election on us or something.

Of course, the game did include one of the greatest plays ever.

You don't believe me? Watch this:

And thus the mighty Giants from New York slew the evil empire known as the New England Patriots.

And all was right with the world.
1 I refer, of course, to American football. As everyone knows, the game the rest of the world calls football, we call 'soccer'.2

2 I believe the Native American peoples called it "maize".