Wednesday, April 30, 2008

In My Defense, I'm an Idiot

I was asked to conduct a presentation for one of our diversity networking groups during their annual conference in Washington D.C. last Friday. Figuring that nobody wants to hear me speak for 90 minutes straight, I called a friend and co-worker from our D.C. office to see if she'd have any interest in participating in the presentation.

Unfortunately, while the purpose of the call was clear to me, I apparently forgot that she's unable to read my mind. As a result the conversation went as follows:

Me: "What are you doing on Friday?"

Co-Worker: "Not much, why?"

Me: "Want to meet me over at the Marriott?"

**crickets chirping***

Me: "Erm....hold on. That didn't come out quite right. I meant to say that I'm conducting a presentation at the Marriott on Friday and I could use your help."

So now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the harassment charges to come rolling in...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Give My Regards to Bra Way

Over lunch yesterday a group of women at my table began discussing an article in the paper about a woman who is suing Victoria's Secret over an idea for a bra design that she claims was stolen from her. One of the women, who is a broker in our Retail division, began talking about a store on 5th Avenue that claims that nearly 80% of women that visit their store are wearing the wrong sized bra.

This lead to a discussion (that I listened to with increasing interest) about how great it would be if someone opened a store in which women could get custom bras made. They bounced and dismissed around a few ideas about what to name the store before finally remembering that I was sitting there. Trying to be inclusive, our General Counsel, Wanda, turned to me and said "Joe, you're a smart guy. What would you call it?"

To which I replied "I don't know. Maybe something like Build-A-Pair?"


For those of you unfamiliar with the area, the location they were discussion wasn't too far from a store called Build-A-Bear.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Overheard at Breakfast

A few conversations overheard this moring in the converted conference room executive cafeteria.

Man: "Look at that, Mercedes is making buses for New York City now"
Woman: "Really? Mercedes buses? What's next, are they going to start making Benzes too?"
Man: "..."

Man 1: "What's with all of the matzohs today? I want to make toast."
Man 2: "Expense controls. We're cutting back on leavened bread."

Which reminds me of something I overheard at a Starlight Starbright event that I volunteered at last year. We were setting up when one of the group leaders got a page.

"The Naked Juice people are here," said the person on the other end. He got a panicked look on his face and said "I'd better check this out."

"A few minutes later he came back, looking embarrassed and relieved.

"I thought they said Naked Jews," he explained. "I was worried that it was some kind of protest group."

Friday, April 18, 2008

Week in Pictures: 80 Degrees in NYC Edition

Random Friday Thoughts:

Not to sound like Slinger, whose recommendations are always solid, but much to my surprise (I've never been a big fan) I'm greatly enjoying the new R.E.M. release, Accelerate.

Spring has apparently sprung here in NYC....and have I mentioned how much I despise the heat?

I have to do a presentation at a conference in DC next week and I have no idea what to say. Do you think it's a good job to just read various blog posts to them?

Anyway, let's move on to the WiP:

Studies show that as the economy worsens, infants are staying in the womb longer - sometimes into their teenage years.

Much to their dismay, a team of skydivers found that arranging themselves in a snowflake pattern did not cause them to float harmlessly to the ground.

According to a recent survey, Berlin's roadways are said to have the worst pothole problem in the world.

Trying to establish her reputation as a regular "blue collar" woman, Hillary Clinton has begun doing shots with her supporters at every campaign stop.

Archaeologists discovered the nearly perfect remains of a Neanderthal who apparently froze to death while going to the bathroom.

Newly pregnant Nicole Kidman was said to be nearly inconsolable after her husband, Keith Urban, made a joke about how close she came to having Tom Cruise's child.

A team of enterprising lumberjacks have fitted a giant Ferris Wheel with blades, allowing them to clear acres of land in mere seconds.

An local man has invented a massage vest that allows users to target specific sore spots by setting cell phones to vibrate and dialing the specific number. The vest retails for $100, not including the 15 cell phone service plans required.

After a rough week in which thousands of flights were cancelled, American Airlines has set aside special areas in which passengers can say a quick prayer that their flight will take off on time.

Beset by financial troubles, Sesame Street star Big Bird is selling his palatial estate, which includes a giant swimming pool and bird bath.

The zoo at Nuremberg incurred the wrath of PETA after photos emerged showing that they were using polar bear cub Flocke as child labor.

A clergyman leaped to take away a certain ninth-inning home run, preserving Good's victory over Evil in their annual spring baseball game.

And finally, a group of adorable stuffed baby seals took the streets in protest after a store owner marked them down to 50% off.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Witless Protection

While walking to work this morning, I saw the first cardinal of spring and you know that what means...

That's right - the Pope is coming to town.

Sorry, I've been waiting weeks to roll that one out.

Speaking of bad jokes (and isn't that what this blog is always speaking of?) that have been sitting around too long, here's another one:

Q: What's the highest paying job in New York State?

A: Working under the Governor

For those of you who haven't heard about this, our Governor was forced to resign last month after it was revealed that he'd availed himself of the services of a prostitution ring which was unusual me get back to you on that.

Okay, get back to work while I try to think of something worthwhile to post about...or to work on another WiP.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Michelle Ann's recent post reminded me that it's been a while since I wrote about some of the keywords that my statcounter tells me heve been entered into various search engines that somehow lead some apparently fairly disturbed people to my blog.

Keep in mind that these are one-off examples that ignore the larger trend which is, of course, that my blog is wildly popular with people looking for pictures of Khandi Alexander, Lark Voorhees, or Erica Cerra in various states of undress.

Then there is that lone individual who continues visit to my blog in the misguided hopes that I will one day post pictures of Canadian female bodybuilder Dayana Cadeau in the shower. To that person I say "please stop".

Anyway, here are some of the most recent keyword results along with my commentary (in italics):

jesus saves interstate
The lesser known parable in which He turns wine into asphalt.

nude pics blogspot
That’s not what I meant when I told you to search for blogger skins!

tall giant women spanked women
They were giants, officer, except…like…really tall ones!

tall skinny cartoon character
...and for some reason these two guys were fighting over her. One was normal looking, but the other one smoked a pipe, and had a squinty eye and HUGE forearms.

They must be looking for my Irish cousin

my cup o joe march 21
An ode to the best cup of coffee ever. “’T’was a dark, full-bodied brew / For which I paid a buck or two…”

her forties cross legged she aroused his revealing
It’s the age old story - all it takes is a couple of forties to arouse a guy’s revealing

this limber 18
‘Dear Penthouse’ for numerologists

ejackulation secrets
Well there was that time in the hand towel…

pirate code full
During the golden age of piracy, this alert was often sounded immediately after dinner

a telephone rang in the darkness a tinny unfamiliar ring. he fumbled
Of course he fumbled the phone. Tinny unfamiliar rings have no hands!

larissa franca ass brazil volley pics
Not a day went by that brazillian volleyball player larissa franca didn’t regret hyphenating her last name when she got married

zombie came to life and clawed it's way out of the
...out of the what?!? Great, now I’m going to be checking around corners for zombies all day

cartoon picture of the letter j on his helmet
For which he was shamelessly mocked by the other football players

office celebrity death pool
Oh no, I hope I’m not an office celebrity

a picture titled madonna with woman holding child, mcdonalds cup in picture
Even during the Renaissance, it was all about product placement

there's nothing to see in this cup on my knee
Worst. Limerick. Ever.

lesbian gives diaper wedgies
And she wonders why nobody every answers her ad for babysitting services

ejackulation pictures
What is the sound of one hand typing?
(also note that this is the same creative spelling used in the previous example)

ball smacking mistress
Exactly the sort of thing one hopes never to run into in a dark alley

indiana jones fertility idol
Which, it turns out, is a statuette of a ball smacking mistress. That certainly explains why he carries that whip everywhere

Friday, April 11, 2008

The Week in Pictures: Free Time Edition

Random Friday Thoughts
I had fun doing the MiP last week and I found a few spare minutes this week so i thought I'd trot out another WiP.

I used to reserve this spot for semi-witty observations, but you know what? After the stress of the last few weeks, I've got let's move on to the WiP.

A group of Pandas washed ashore this week after a daring escape from their oppressors at the local zoo.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is said to be mystified at the perception that his government is a "Mickey Mouse operation."

A set of conjoined twins have chosen to be separated rather than to continue suffering from the debilitating neck pain from carrying each other around.

Horticulturists are becoming increasingly concerned about a disease that threatens to wipe out an entire grove of Water Chestnut trees.

Flocke is suing the National Enquirer for publishing nude pictures snapped by paparazzi during the bear cub's recent vacation from the zoo in Nuremberg.

Several people from a small village were injured when a prankster placed some banana peels on a log the townspeople used as a bridge.

Police do not believe it is the work of the same individual who placed crazy glue on the shoelaces of the North Carolina cheerleading squad.

Pamela Anderson's breast reduction surgery took an odd turn when implants containing helium were accidentally inserted.

And finally, a baseball fan in Florida is facing harassment charges for walking up to female fans and asking if they'd like to touch his wiener.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Limber Up

I came to work yesterday all primed to write a quick post about this finally being the time to pry the gun from Charlton Heston's cold, dead hands when I discovered that roughly 8.6 billion bloggers, newscasters, and other assorted wits had beaten me to the punch.

Stupid people...

On a completely unrelated note, a few of my co-workers and I were instant messaging each other in an effort to stave off boredom during a conference call. While complaining about the general soreness she was experiencing, one of them wrote the following:

"I went to the gyn but didn't stretch properly"

Now call me naive but what, exactly, would one have to stretch beforehand?

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The Month in Pictures: March 2008

In a scene reminiscent of Former President George Bush's 1992 visit to Japan, cartoon character Doraemon tossed his pancakes on Foreign Minister Masahiko Komura during an inauguration ceremony at the foreign ministry in Tokyo.

Jesus appeared for his traditional Easter sunset walk across the water.

Scientists in Finland have created the first successful mushroom/human hybrid that they believe will act as it's own food source.

The increasing world population forced several Easter Bunnies to come out of retirement and use their mobility scooters to help distribute eggs.

New technology allows animals to see in advance what they might look like after a species change operation.

Shy women will have the perfect outfit to wear this fall.

In political news, Satan formally endorsed Hilary Clinton

And now requires all of her supporters to carry her mark upon their heads.

Meanwhile controversial campaign photos emerged of Barack Obama attempting to kiss John Kerry during a rally.

Kerry, seen here checking out the presidential hopeful's ass, admitted that he was "intrigued" by the advance.

* DISCLAIMER: This is not a political blog and the above are not intended to reflect my beliefs. They're just jokes.

Brittany Spears suffered a stroke after downing one too many triple whip half-and-half chai lattes.

The sun underwent some emergency repairs this weekend, leaving the region bathing in dusk for several hours.

In a related story, the moon will also need some work after suffering damage in a collision with the Chrysler Building in Manhattan.

Soaring food costs are forcing food vendors to test market new wares, including roasted-tire-on-a-stick.

Thousands flocked to the newly opened toilet museum for where they were able to marvel at all of the crap inside.

Dwindling in popularity, the NBA is said to be experimenting with a new hoop design for the 2008-2009 season.

A spring thaw revealed that Santa, who has been missing since Christmas morning, appears to have frozen to death...

Authorities suspect it was the result of the sleigh going out of control when two of his reindeer locked antlers.

President Bush spent hours with Congress last month as they tried to teach him how to read.

Thousands of protesters gathered on a beach to demand the immediate release of all whales from the ocean.

A local priest admitted that he may have gone "a little overboard" when installing energy efficient fluorescent lights in his church.

Police are testing out a new undercover vehicle that they hope will lure drug dealers out into the open.

An archaeological expedition in Egypt revealed that Ferris wheels are much older than originally thought.

Jennifer Lopez is suing the doctors that helped her with the birth of her twins after they accidentally sewed her ass to the front.

A romantic moment was ruined when the young man responsible for this display whispered "I just wanted you to know that I have a giant heart on for you."

Police in Italy are still looking for the prankster that had the balls to pull this stunt.

And finally, a touching vigil was held in memory of the millions of flowers that sacrificed their lives for the a new municipal parking lot.