Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I'll Take Manhattan

I had three revelations the other day as I swam my way to work in the approximately 392% humidity that had descended upon NYC:

1. It’s idiotic to require a person to wear a suit and tie to work when the temperature is over, say, 75 degrees.

2. At some point during the morning I was going to have to buy a new shirt to replace the one I was in the process of soaking through.

3. I. Hate. Summer.

Before you blast me for that last statement, allow me to put it in context. It’s not that I hate summer per se. In fact I enjoy barbecues, softball, landscaping, swimming and a whole variety of outdoor activities. You'll notice, though, that those are all recreational activities. It's going to work in NYC during the summer that I really abhor.

From the uncomfortable oppressive heat and humidity; to the vaguely disturbing odors that waft through the thick, soupy air; to the searing subway temperatures that make the bowels of hell seem air conditioned by comparison, its a miserable few months.

So in keeping with the proud tradition of selling Manhattan without proper ownership - which began when the Lenni Lenape tribe sold it to the Dutch for $24 in beads and trinkets - I’m now offering the entire island to the highest bidder on the express condition that they move it to a cooler climate.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an industrious nation looking for a can't miss tourist destination. But wait, there's more! Act now and we'll also include the entire population of the city. It's not as if the vast majority of them ever travel more than twenty blocks from home anyway, so it's likely they won't notice the difference. There is one exception to that rule, but that's easily dealt with. Simply rename one of your bucolic villages “The Hamptons” and they’ll all flock there in the now-much-more-temperate summer months without a second thought.

Of course, I realize that the logistics of moving an entire island may prove insurmountable, so if this proposition fails, I’m more than willing to just sell the naming rights to some corportation in exchange for a retractable dome and climate control.

“New York Citibank” comes to mind, but I’m open to other suggestions.