Friday, July 11, 2008

An Open Letter to MLB All-Star Game Tourists


The Major League Baseball All-Star game is being held at Yankee Stadium this evening and since some of you may be visiting our fair city in order to attend the game, I thought I'd create a primer for you.

The fourth annual All-Star red carpet parade, consisting of 110 of baseball's greatest current and retired players is underway just a few short blocks from my office. They're expecting a million people to attend. I was going to drop by, but 1,000,001 is such an awkward number and I didn't want to cause any problems for the writers covering the event.

After the parade is over, I plan adjust the red carpet run so that it runs from Penn Station to my office. It should make my morning walk to work more pleasant and will have the added bonus of allowing my blog reader a place to stand and toss heavy objects at my head take my picture.

Joining such venerable destinations as Times Square, the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, and Central Park, is New York City's newest tourist attraction, climbing the New York Times Building. I believe that the volume of recent attempts has something to do with a rumor I've been spreading about a restaurant recommended by pinknest that's only accessible by scaling the building's facade.

In contrast to our reputation, New Yorkers are a friendly lot. Don't be afraid to offer a hale and hearty greeting to everyone you meet! If you're lucky, you may even hear a native New Yorker offer a traditional greeting of "F***ing tourists!" in response!

While here you can expect to read plenty of coverage of the pending divorce of New York Yankee All-Star Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez (known as A-Rod) and his wife Cynthia (known as C-Rod). Most recently, stories swirled about an alleged affair between A-Rod and Madonna. In the aftermath, Cynthia sought refuge in the Paris apartment of rocker Lenny Kravitz. Tabloid reports were oddly silent commentary on the fact that she'd apparently exchanged an A-Rod for a K-Rod.


Finally, and most importantly, it's customary for tourists to seek me out when visiting in order to present me with small, yet valuable gifts.

Hope this helps!

Your Friend,