Wednesday, October 29, 2008

An Open Letter to my Mortgage Company

Dear Mortgage Holder,

Allow me to extend my sympathies for your recent financial woes. I recognize that you've incurred the wrath of...well...pretty much the entire world for your role in the current economic meltdown, but

Believe me, I know the feeling. I mean, who among us hasn't woken up after a drunken night of investing assets in mortgage backed securities backed by questionable loans made to dishonest applicants by predatory lenders to learn that not only did we have a killer hangover, but that we’ve imperiled the global economy? Boy, if I had a dollar for every time that happened to me I would have been able to fund the buyout myself! (lol)

But I digress. The point of this letter is that the bailout package approved by the government will wind up costing each working American somewhere in the neighborhood of $4,635. Now this is supposed to be a loan, but we both know that the odds are against us ever seeing that money again. Let's be honest, right about now I trust you to do that as much as I'd trust a meth-head with my debit card and PIN (and believe me...that's a mistake I'll never make again).

Anyway, I've decided to recoup my share of the bailout money by not making one-and-a-half of my monthly mortgage payments. Rest assured that I'm not refusing to pay nor am I defaulting in any way. In fact, I will make those payments to you as soon as you repay the government. After all, fair is fair. Meanwhile, think of this as an interest free loan from you to me.

As an alternative, you may also elect to take repayment in the form of options to purchase non-voting stock in my blog. Sure its worthless now, but if this thing takes off you may get rich! Of course if that ever happens I'll just hire lobbyists to convince you to not exercise said options - but I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Meanwhile, my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Your Friend,