Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Yoga Bear

As some of you know, I recently decided to shake off my sloth and begin exercising again. After barely being able to gasp my way to the one mile mark when I began running, I’m now able to complete just over 4 miles. In response, my body - which had become accustomed to evenings spent laying on the couch downing my usual diet of fried food, chips, and iced tea – has begun to rebel. Not only have I developed a mysterious, sharp pain in my left ankle that hurts when I walk but not when I run, but my muscles have begun practicing for rigor mortis as I sleep making the first few steps each morning an excruciating experience.

Eventually, I had enough. If my muscles wanted to cause me pain, I thought, then I'd do the same to them. And so began my involvement with Yoga. For those of you unfamiliar with the practice, the word Yoga is Sanskrit and it derives from screams of beginning practitioners, which sound something like this:

“YOW-OH-GOD-AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

And that's pretty much it. From the Sun Salutations (Sanskrit for “Son of a B*tch!”) to the
Awkward Chair pose to the exercises to build my stomach and back muscles there is one overriding theme:

EVERY. SINGLE. THING. HURTS.

Much like natural childbirth, they tell you that concentrating on your breathing will remove blocks and lessen the pain and from what I gather, much like childbirth, they're lying.

In fact, the only things that I don't mind are the gentle stretches I do after the ab work to remind my muscles that this is the most I'll ever exert them once they start acting right, and the Corpse pose that concludes each session.

On a side note, that particular pose seemed familiar but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why - until I realized that it's the position in which 99.9% of the women I've slept with have remained during the entire ordeal.

Anyway, I suppose that if I persevere, I'll eventually become as strong and supple as Dr. Lan Phan, who is featured in the picture at the top of this post doing a pose that she calls "Praying for Grant to Visit" and that I call "Something I'll Never Be Able to Do."

Erm...the pose I mean - not actually waiting for Grant.

So, in conclusion I say Namaste to people who are able to stick with this Yoga thing.

Now where did I put those chips?