Thursday, July 31, 2008

An Open Letter to Steve Jobs

Dear Steve,

At some point I, like every other person in the world, will probably buy an iPhone. Of course, if history is any indication, about two months after I buy it Apple and every other phone maker in the world will render the it obsolete by coming out with a smart phone that not only does everything the iPhone does, but also irons your shirts, cooks your meals, and performs oral sex at the push of a button.....

Erm...sorry. I lost my train of thought for a few minutes there.

Anyway, Apple has done a great job not only being on the cutting edge of technology but being an innovator. Still, I can't help but feel that there are tons of opportunities out there that you're not taking advantage of so during a recent meeting I took the opportunity to stop paying attention to whatever the meeting organizer was talking about so that I could jot down a few ideas. Here's what I came up with:

iBALL sporting equipment

iBEAM portable flashlights

iSIGHT fashion eyeglass frames

iSORE massage parlors

iTOOTH dentures

iWEAR clothing line

iGLASS drink ware

iLASH dominatrix gear

You could also further infringe on Microsoft's territory by creating a vacation website built around Apple designed iLiner cruise ships that would ferry people to your own uniquely designed tourist attractions like the iFfel Tower.

And finally, there's my greatest idea. You could create a whole new concept in bathroom fixtures called...

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

The iPotty!

Anyway, I would have come up with more ideas, but the meeting organizer asked me a question and I had to pretend I'd been paying attention. No doubt you'll be contacting me with a lucrative offfer to join your team and we can discuss more of my ideas at that time. So with that said I'll end this letter here and will await your call.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Joe

Monday, July 28, 2008

Happy Birthday to Choo

He's been my little buddy since the first time I met him. Before I'd even dropped my luggage he was showing me his bubbles and dragging me outside to play with him.

I guess that was our bonding moment because since then he's been my little shadow every time I've gone to visit SSC. We've played football together (he's fearless and unflaggingly optimistic that he can tackle me, his brother, and his uncle despite the fact that everyone is at least twice his size); we've wrestled; we've watched more Power Rangers cartoons than I even knew existed; and I've woken up to find his foot in my face (or in other places even less comfortable) more times than I care to remember.

There's never a day when he fails to make me laugh, and by now we've established a series of games in which he tells me that he ate all of my breakfast (despite the fact that I'm 3,000 miles away), or that he's going to eat me all up. He's also become my extended ring tone in that when he knows I'm calling he'll chase SSC down no matter where she is and will tell her I'm calling in that frenzied way usually reserved only for children who see an ice cream truck approaching.

A few weeks ago he started using SSC's cell phone to call me on a regular basis. I'm not sure that he knows exactly where to hold the earpiece, so the conversations often consist of me saying "Hello? Hello? " and him saying "I can't hear you!" and then shouting "Mom, he hung up!" Inevitably, he hangs up in frustration as I repeat "No, Choo. I'm right here." again and again into the phone. At first I thought he'd been asking SSC to call me so he could talk but then I discovered that he'd learned to read my name and was calling on his own.

Anyway, he's bringing a weekend of birthday celebrations for him to a close by turning four today and I just wanted to write this to wish him the happiest of birthdays.

Happy birthday Choo Choo!

Friday, July 25, 2008

The Week In Pictures: Off to the Races Edition

Random Friday Thoughts

I'm off to the races shortly to join my friends on our annual trip to Saratoga where we'll visit the historic site of the American Revolution's Battle of Saratoga, wander aimlessly through the art museums, take refreshing nature walks...

Oh wait. We're actually not doing any of those things. I meant to say that we're going to drink heavily and bet on horses.

Anyway, right now I'm stuck at work waiting for my boss to call after her flight lands so that I can reassure her that yes, I can indeed do my job correctly (despite all evidence to the contrary). It's been a remarkably stressful few weeks both personally and professionally, and I can't tell you how badly I need this weekend with friends.

So with all of that said, let's move on to the WiP:


Difficulties in the world's economy have reached as far as the Vatican, which announced that the Pope has been forced to take on a second job as an Australian Police officer.


Finnish Foreign Minister Alexander Stubb called a proposal to combine cabinet meetings with power walks this autumn plan to highlight health issues "F***ing ludicrous!" Later he explained his remarks calling it "The dumbest idea I've ever heard."


The publisher of disgraced author James Frey's new book "Bright Shiny Morning"have put a disclaimer on the novel stating that, while it - in marked contrast to "A Million Little Pieces" - is correctly billed as a work of fiction, it's so boring it may turn readers into stone.


The company behind the planned Chutes and Ladders theme park declared bankruptcy this week after they were unable to open the attraction because they'd forgotten to order the chutes.


Joining millenniums-old Orion, Ursa Major is the newest constellation, which astronomers have named "Asian Boy Band."


Spanish matador Jose Miguel Perez Joselillo survived a scary moment when he was nearly gored by a bull.


Fortunately, after a quick check of his manhood, he proudly showed the audience that he was, indeed, still intact.


Lambskin won the Child Roping competition at the Mutton Rodeo with a record time of just over six seconds.


World 400m Hurdles champion Kerron Clement nearly failed to qualify for the U.S. Olympic team after stopping in the middle of a race to pose for the cameras.


Satan dammed "to my house" riders in the Tour de France after becoming frustrated when they prevented him from crossing the road.


"So You Think You Can Dance" judges were wowed when a pair of competitors overcame adversity by finishing their routine despite a water main break that flooded the stage.


And finally the Spiderman family enjoyed a summer day in NYC by having a picnic on the side of a skyscraper.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Summer-No-Time

Hi. Just popped up for a quick breath and thought to myself "Why use these precious few moments to run to the restroom when I can spend them blogging?"

It's summertime and that would usually mean that work slows down, but apparently that's not the case here. Instead my days have been filled with urgent calls and meetings as we try to complete a project with ever changing targets and vague guidelines. It's just one of the many, many things that makes it so fun to run a department.

That said, where there are problems there are also opportunities- and this is an excellent opportunity for any of you to volunteer to come to NYC to help me out. Your no-expenses-paid trip will include an exciting elevator ride to the 17th floor, a view of the building across the street, all the ambiguity you can handle, and quality time watching write blog posts while you do all of my work.

I'm pretty sure that SSC will be the first to raise her hand. After all, she's worked at this company and she'll want to provide all of the support and comfort she can for me during this difficult time. In fact, I'd be shocked if she weren't already on a plane, winging her way out here.

The down side is that there's no way I'll be able to concentrate on work if she does.

This is also a wonderful time for Becky and Giggle to get their respective fetuses some valuable work experience that will look terrific on their resumes when they...erm...are born.

And finally, I'm not sure if it's too late but if you can make it up here, Grant, I have some co-workers I'd like you to infect.

That is all. Move along people. There's nothing to see here.

Friday, July 11, 2008

An Open Letter to MLB All-Star Game Tourists

Dear MLBASGT,

The Major League Baseball All-Star game is being held at Yankee Stadium this evening and since some of you may be visiting our fair city in order to attend the game, I thought I'd create a primer for you.

The fourth annual All-Star red carpet parade, consisting of 110 of baseball's greatest current and retired players is underway just a few short blocks from my office. They're expecting a million people to attend. I was going to drop by, but 1,000,001 is such an awkward number and I didn't want to cause any problems for the writers covering the event.

After the parade is over, I plan adjust the red carpet run so that it runs from Penn Station to my office. It should make my morning walk to work more pleasant and will have the added bonus of allowing my blog reader a place to stand and toss heavy objects at my head take my picture.

Joining such venerable destinations as Times Square, the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, and Central Park, is New York City's newest tourist attraction, climbing the New York Times Building. I believe that the volume of recent attempts has something to do with a rumor I've been spreading about a restaurant recommended by pinknest that's only accessible by scaling the building's facade.

In contrast to our reputation, New Yorkers are a friendly lot. Don't be afraid to offer a hale and hearty greeting to everyone you meet! If you're lucky, you may even hear a native New Yorker offer a traditional greeting of "F***ing tourists!" in response!

While here you can expect to read plenty of coverage of the pending divorce of New York Yankee All-Star Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez (known as A-Rod) and his wife Cynthia (known as C-Rod). Most recently, stories swirled about an alleged affair between A-Rod and Madonna. In the aftermath, Cynthia sought refuge in the Paris apartment of rocker Lenny Kravitz. Tabloid reports were oddly silent commentary on the fact that she'd apparently exchanged an A-Rod for a K-Rod.

Ugh..sorry.

Finally, and most importantly, it's customary for tourists to seek me out when visiting in order to present me with small, yet valuable gifts.

Hope this helps!


Your Friend,

Joe

Monday, July 07, 2008

Baldwin or Baldlose?

The formal campaign for the President of the United States is in the midst of a brief cooling off period before the candidates are formally nominated during their party's respective conventions later this year.

While it's far too early for me to decide for whom I'll cast my ballot, I have to admit that this bit of news weighs very heavily in Obama's favor.


In fact, if it gets widespread publicity, it'll be difficult to imagine how the vote won't be unanimous.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Month in Pictures: June 2008


In an effort to save fuel and speed security lines, airline passengers will now be limited to one carry-on bag and can wear nothing but than a pair of briefs while traveling.


A clown was killed in a tragic accident when a pack of balloon animals he'd been selling suddenly turned on him.


Campus police foiled an assassination attempt by Rhode Island School of Design President Roger Mandle against famed cellist Yo Yo Ma.


A motocross rider's attempt to set the world's highest jump record ended abruptly when he collided with a 747.


Police shut down a fashion show after they determined that some models were wearing X-rated clothing.


While the Phoenix Lander has yet to find actual life on Mars, scientists are encouraged its discovery of a discarded sonogram picture.


Doctors say that they have reason to believe that a recent eye infection outbreak may have originated in Switzerland.


A woman who hadn't washed her hair in over six months awoke with a new hairdo after getting caught in a rainstorm during the previous afternoon.


Battle Creek. Michigan residents are still digging out after a machine malfunction at the Post Cereals plant buried the town in an Alpha Bits blizzard.


What began as a playful stunt ended in tragedy after Darth Vader awoke while a vacationing Stormtrooper was trying to bury him in the sand.


Looking for the Cup O' Joe corporate offices? Just bear left when you come to the fork in the river.


Yoga schools reported that as a result of using this picture in their advertising materials, record numbers of men have enrolled their significant others in classes.


A fan's desire to support his team during the recently concluded Euro 2008 Soccer Championships backfired when his friends christened him with the unfortunate and impossible to shake moniker "Ball Face"