Thursday, August 28, 2008

Random Thursday Thoughts

I'm heading out on vacation tomorrow to spend some much needed time with the lovely SSC and the boys. I'll be back on September 9 - unless I decide to post something while I'm away. In which case, I'll still be back on September 9, but will have posted something while I was away.

Just a few quick thoughts before I leave:

Based on the nightly noise levels in my neighborhood, there appear to be roughly 6.8 billion crickets living within 1/4 mile of my house. The noise is so omnipresent that you don't notice it after a while. Then when it stops for a minute and starts again all you can think is "Damn, that's loud!" Then I think "I could use a beer." and I drink until the cricket sounds fade away.

One of my rivals in the Bloggers Den fantasy football league (in which the immensely talented blogger - and moderately talented fantasy football player - Nikki acts as a commissioner) came up with one of the funniest team names of the year: Barracko Bombers.

The other day I was listening to a debate between two of our employees about who serves better coffee, Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. Both people were pretty passionate about their respective side of the argument, which lead me to think three things: (1) Isn't this really a debate as to whether they'd rather enrich the shareholders of a Seattle based company or a Boston based company by overpaying for coffee that they can get for free at work? (2)Clearly they don't have enough work to do; and (3) Perhaps they should switch to decaf.

My birthday is just around the corner, so I'll expect to come back from vacation to see a pile of gifts on my desk from my dedicated reader(s).

Meanwhile, I'm leaving Grant in charge during my absence. Don't even think about trying to tempt him with J-bunnies. He's far too smart for that.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

An Open Letter to Home Depot

Dear Home Depot,

Let me begin by telling you how much I enjoy spending time in your stores. It's probably the closest I'll ever come to knowing what its like for a woman to walk into a shoe store (or for pinknest to walk into a restaurant). It's extremely rare that I leave your store without buying one or two items that I hadn't planned on purchasing (and will likely never use).

Which brings me to the point of this letter. About a year ago you installed self-service checkout scanners, which you marketed as a convenience for your shoppers. At the same time, you begin to reduce the number of registers manned by employees. When the time comes for us to pay for our purchases, we examine the long line at the one non-self service register and, like good little lemmings we head over to the self-service area, scan and bag our own merchandise, insert our money or credit card into the machine, and head home to fondle our new purchases.

As I waited in line this weekend for my turn to tithe at the Home Depot altar I was struck by the revelation that I have, in effect, become a part-time Home Depot employee which, according to your careers site, entitles me to receive benefits benefits including, vacation.

As it turns out, I'm going on vacation next week (sorry about the short notice) and I fully expect to be paid during my time off.

Frankly, I'd ask the same of my local supermarket but the truth is that their benefits are so horrible that I'm considering resigning (that is to say making the cashier handle my purchases) - but that's another open letter entirely.

Your friend,

Joe

Monday, August 25, 2008

VPness


Hold on...I don't think title came out the way I meant it.

Have you ever had one of those days in which everything you touch turns out wrong? Where no matter how hard you try to make things right, the hole just gets deeper? One of those days where you finally give up and say "Okay, you win" only to have everyone just keep piling on?

Well, that's pretty much how today has gone.

Then I received a call from my boss, who is one of our Vice Presidents. He told that as part of a department restructuring, I will no longer report to him but will instead report directly to the Vice President of Human Resources for the Americas. While I'll continue to provide HR support to the Tri-State Region, I'll have the added responsibility of supporting our U.S. Brokerage, national Marketing and Communications and national Transaction Management divisions.

He also let me know that I'm being promoted from Director to Vice President.

Erm...of my department, of course, not the country.

It doesn't quite make up for how the rest of the day has gone, but it's still pretty damn nice.

At some point in the next week or two, I'll take my team out them to thank them for their hard work, commitment, and dedication - without which this never would have happened. Meanwhile, drinks are on me, everyone.1

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1Simply go out tonight to celebrate and post your receipts on your blog - then email me a link to your blog along with a properly completed expense reimbursement request. It couldn't be easier!2

2Please be aware that all expense reimbursement requests that fail to utilize the proper format will be denied and may not be resubmitted. For details on proper formatting, please refer to the Internet. It's all right there...somewhere.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Keywordsmithing - Part II

Here's the rest of yesterday's post in which I took some of the more interesting keyword results from my statcounter and added my commentary (in italics) for each.

son'spot
I’m guessing it’s in his bottom dresser drawer

care and feeding of sumo wrestlers
Basically it all comes down to a side of beef and some really huge diapers

aromatherapy with coffee grounds
New Age accoutrements on a budget

cartoon character who collects bottlecaps
Yet somehow Bottlecap Jones never quite took off

telescopic baton legal in colorado?
Because they'd allow the majorettes to see for miles!

be kind to captain butler he loves you so
But I told him that I just want to be friends.

Joe Rhett 2008
You experiment for one night and all of a sudden its all over the web

scarlet was so mean to rhett
Probably because she saw the Joe Rhett 2008 video

7 11 plane
Slurpees now included on the beverage cart

ikea mascot
Who doesn't love that Swedish meatball?

i went to the doctor melissa ethridge
From the “Where are they now?” pages

cup o joe jobs
Well, the first one was at a local supermarket called Pathmark…

define cup o' joe
Two words: Crappy blog.

Joe Bran
Now get your crap in a whole new way!

dragonfly "erratic flight pattern"
Which lead to him being pulled over and arrested for FWI

swimming pool massage vest
A relaxing way to spend the summer

mistress jo may
The hillbilly hooker

"not a marrying man" player
Sounds like a good definition of player to me

steve jobs death pool
It’s just like every other death pool, but with a much sleeker design and people wait on line for hours to play.

interval training smartphone
So that’s why it’s so thin!

crystal cove ssc
Best. Memory. Ever.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Keywordsmithing - Part I

I was joking yesterday when I wrote about increasing my hit count, but as you can see on the rather (oddly appropriate) phallic looking graph on the left the good people (and by that I mean the lonely males) on the inter-web seem to have taken me seriously and delivered more hits than a BDSM club on a Friday night.

Erm...not that I'd know anything about that.

So for those of you disappointed by yesterday's lack of nude photos of Erica Cerra (and that phrase alone should add another spike to the graph) I can only say - as the impotent man said to his doctor - "No hard feelings."

The main reason I was looking at the keyword analysis was to write another post like this one, in which I take some of the more interesting keyword results and add my commentary (in italics) for each. There were so many that I have to split it into two posts, so stay tuned tomorrow (or completely avoid this blog tomorrow) for the second half.

airborne stranger
He swooped in, saved my life, and all he left behind was this silver feather.

female bodybuilder limerick
There once was a woman from Brussels / Who spent all her time building muscles…

working out makes me horny
And then all I can think about is female bodybuilder limericks.

cup o' joe clothes
Show the world that you...erm…have no life.

chuck norris drink cups
Get your teeth knocked out as you satisfy your thirst!

yankees sign to color
Hours of fun for the entire family!

cup o joe voice over
When just reading this blog isn't painful enough…

not my cup o' joe
The sentiments of most people who stumble across this blog.

joe shrank cup o joe
And readers were never happier.

penis championships
I can only imagine how painful the Taekwondo events must be.

football goalkeeper penis accidentally unveiled
Thus earning him a spot in the aforementioned championships.

french gymnast wets herself
Ah, the excitement of competition.

mexico donkey fellatio
Another Olympic sport that just didn't make the cut.

synchronized diving conjoined twins
Pretty much a lock for the gold, I’d imagine.

interview arborist
So the world wants to know, how do you get your trees to be so darn leafy?

massage my father's
I’ll give you $100,000 if you promise to not finish that sentence.

venus williams nipple piercing
I think she may have just taken her budding fashion empire just a bit too far.

eighty year old hides in unsuspecting family's attic
“At first I thought it was a squirrel, but then I noticed all of these empty tubes of denture adhesive”

writing letters in canada opening
Might I suggest “Dear Canadians”?

my desk rules
Rule one: No diving; Rule two: Under no circumstances is any work to be placed on this surface…

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Hit Man

I just learned a valuable lesson while preparing a blog post by looking at my keyword analysis - which shows the search phrases that people use to arrive at my blog. If I ever get desperate for hits (beyond the 2 or 3 that I get each day), all I need to do is write posts containing one of the following three phrases:

Erica Cerra1 nude
Erica Cerra topless
Erica Cerra naked

I have no idea why all of these Erica Cerra seekers wound up at my blog, but now they have a reason. Of course none of the links above actually lead to pictures containing any type of nudity , but I should be up to as many as 10 hits per day in no time!

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1 Learn all about Erica Cerra by clicking here or here.2

2 And now you know far more about Ms. Cerra than I do.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Week in Pictures: Olympic Edition

Random Friday Thoughts

On the one hand, my softball team's loss in the semifinals of the playoffs last week was disappointing. On the other, I'm thrilled to get my Sundays back just in time to enjoy the end of summer. As an added bonus, my liver will get a chance to recover from the regular beatings it took during our weekly post-game drinking binges.

I'm supposed to be headed to Yankee Stadium tonight where we have killer seats on the third base side. The weather isn't cooperating, though, so I may miss my lone opportunity to say goodbye to the stadium before they tear it down when they open the new one across the street next year.

Anyway, let's move on to the WiP:

The new reality show "Celebrity Astronauts" claimed its first victim when Kermit the Frog was voted off of the spaceship.


Santa Claus wrapped up his annual summer vacation by taking Mrs. Claus on a shopping spree at Harrods in London.


Researchers have discovered that honey bees are excellent interior designers despite their odd preference for deep pile shag carpets in their hives.


The Police wrapped up their final tour this week and it now appears that lead singer Sting has agreed to join The Village People.

Stay tuned for our expanded Olympic coverage, coming up right after this message from Gatorade:



In an effort to keep barbers fully employed, Chinese officials have begun requiring people to have their hair cut every month - a measure enforced by requiring people to have the date of their last haircut shaved onto their heads.


In a story reminiscent of Hiroo Onoda, the former Japanese army intelligence officer who fought in World War II, and did not surrender until 1974, Olympic organizers in Beijing found an extra from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon who was practicing for his big scene and was unaware that filming had wrapped eight years earlier.


China claimed the first gold medal of the Olympics in the obscure sport of Jestering.


Diving traffic controllers are trying to determine the factors that lead to a near mid-air collision at the Water Cube.


Brazil's Larissa Franca is suing her beach volleyball partner Ana Paul Conelly for harassment after the latter reportedly took liberties during their celebratory hugs.


In an embarrassing moment for the United States, beach volleyball member Misty May Treanor was singing Akon's "Smack That" while stretching before a match when President Bush walked by and misinterpreted her words as a request.


As a result of that blunder, other athletes including Russia's Natalia Uryadov took precautionary measures until the President left the venue.


Gymnastics competitors found themselves struggling to remain upright during their floor routines after pranksters covered the mat in baby oil.


This year's games also include several interludes created with the express purpose of helping to cheer up Grant after his recent illness.


And finally, a dog that qualified for the games was unable to compete after officials discovered that he is a German Shorthaired Pointer, and not a Boxer as they'd originally thought.

HA HA HA HA HA...I really can't resist stupid jokes.


Okay, gotta run...I just found the perfect top for my SSC to wear when I go to visit her in a few weeks and I need to get one for her before they sell out.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Wait...Gain?!?

Inspired by...erm...my expanding waistline, I recently began a weight loss and fitness regimen. While I've been working out for nearly a month, it was only last week that I got around to buying a scale. My goal is to lose 20 pounds and here's what I've done thus far:

Week 1: 206.0 lbs.
Week 2: 206.8 lbs.

Wait...wtf?!?

I suppose if I'm going to be completely honest with myself I'll say that my complete lack of success has a lot to do with two things:

1. My exercise routine which has been largely limited to cardio work which has the unfortunate side effect of rendering the old "muscle weighs more than fat so I guess I gained muscle" excuse moot.

2. My diet which has largely revolved around occasional bouts of eating less and even less frequent attempts to eat healthy. To give you some insight, my typical line of thinking goes something like this: "Tempura must be good for you. Sure, its fried...but they're vegetables!"

Anyway, as I laced up my sneakers last night I remembered that the secret to burning fat via exercise can be summed up in two words: interval training - and with that I was re-energized and off for my best run in a long, long time. Of course, by the end of my workout my legs were burning, my breath was ragged, and my heart was threatening to pound its way out of my chest.

And as I bent over alternately trying to inhale roughly 2/3 of the oxygen available in New York State and trying not to pass out in the street in full view of my neighbors I suddenly remembered the four words that go with interval training: intense pain and nausea.

Come to think of it, winter is just around the corner and I'm going to need a little excess padding, right?

Thursday, August 07, 2008

An Open Letter to Cell Phone Manufacturers

Dear Nokia, LG, Motorola, Apple, et al.,

In an attempt to inject some humor into a recent open letter to Steve Jobs, I think I may have hit upon an idea that could make you the most profitable company not only in your market sector, but in the history of the world. I'll give you a minute to read the post - and no, I'm not talking about it ironing shirts or cooking meals. While both would be wonderful, I'm specifically referring to the third idea.

Anyway, would it be possible for you to get someone working on that right away? To be honest, my current cell phone has lost much of its luster because all I can think about is how it lacks that feature.

Thanks.

Your Friend,

Joe

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Duty Free

How immature have I become, you ask?

I just typed the following phrase in a disciplinary action memo that I'm preparing:

"As an exempt employee, you are expected to work the hours necessary to fully discharge your duties. "

The sad thing is that I couldn't stop laughing when I proofread and said aloud "fully discharge your doodies."

Clearly I need a vacation.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Forget Me Not

Where have I heard this before?

Oh, that's right. I think it was here.