Monday, November 24, 2008

Momma Mia

Mark Cuban, billionaire and majority owner of the Dallas Mavericks, was charged by federal regulators last week of using confidential information on a stock sale to avoid more than $750,000 in losses.

The SEC alleges that he sold shares in search engine company Mamma.com after learning from the company's chief executive about plans for a new stock offering that was apt to push down the value of Cuban's shares.

So, in summary, what's happening here is that the SEC has charged Cuban with selling his own momma to make a quick buck.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Twilight...Of my Career?

The blog world is atwitter - or perhaps aFacebook (get it? it's an interweb social networking joke!) as the apparently anxiously awaited premiere of Twilight. I haven't seen this many people excited about a movie since...well...Sex and the City earlier this year.

Now I know nothing about the books or the movie (knowing nothing seems to be a theme of mine this week), but just for fun I decided to print out a list of quotes and sprinkle them throughout my conversations today.

Here's what I've been able to work in so far:

"Your skin is pale white...and ice cold." - To a co-worker as we rode the elevator this morning

“There was no image violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment” - To someone who asked how my evening was.

“Hating her, hating how she made me feel – it helped a little.” - To my assistant when she asked how my meeting with our COO went.

“You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you.” - Included in a draft of a written warning that I sent to a manager for review

“So, is the new one afraid of us yet?” - Asked of a manager about an employee we hired a few months ago.

"If I could dream at all it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it." - To Phil - one of our Managing Directors - as I walked into a meeting.

“I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart - I've left it with you.” - To Phil as I left to get a cup of coffee before the meeting began.

“Here’s the thing… I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are.” - In response to a question about why we chose to take action A instead of action B to resolve an issue.

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her.” - To a Manager who asked for advice on dealing with a difficult employee

“If you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I'll cheerfully beat you to death” - To the same manager as we discussed some confidential information

“You are the most dangerous creature I've ever met” - To my boss as she explained a recent department reorganization

“I'm really glad Edward didn't kill you. Everything's so much more fun when you're around.” - To an employee that just returned from disability leave.

Anyway, what I've found most interesting about this exercise thus far is that people aren't looking at me any more quizzically than usual.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

An Open Letter to World of Warcraft Fans

Dear WoW Fans,

Let me begin by saying that I've never played this particular game, so it came as a surprise to me when I saw people lining up outside of Best Buy in freezing temperatures last week in anticipation of the release that evening of something called World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lych King. My curiosity was such that I began my workday with a few minutes of research to learn what the fuss was all about. I know this has many of you – or at least those if you who have been able to tear yourself away from the game long enough to read this – looking down at me for not possessing what is probably fairly common knowledge, but in my defense you should know that I possess almost no knowledge of anything.

The website was almost no help with its narrative that began with “It has been five years since the heir apparent to the throne of Lordaeron disappeared into the frozen wastes of Northrend...” and continued spouting some additional Lord-of-the-Rings-esque babble before concluding with “...Soon the world will learn what it means to incur the wrath of its one true king...” which I took to mean that Grant had hacked the site and revealed his intentions to the unsuspecting public.

But I digress. Further research revealed that WoW (as it’s known) is massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) run by a company that charges the 11 million or so subscribers $14.95 per month to trek around it’s fake world. Add to that the cost of the game itself as well as the two add-on packs and, well, let’s just say that it makes my get rich quick scheme look foolish by comparison.

Anyway, I digress yet again. The point of this letter is not to tell you about a game that you've already undoubtedly squandered untold hours of your life playing, but to tell you about another MMRPG called “real-life” (RL). You’d love it. There are all kinds of evil to battle, billions of people to meet, and riches to be earned and spent however you see fit. The best part is that you don’t even need to buy expansion packs to experience more of it. And the level of detail is amazing – far better than anything you've seen before no matter how powerful your graphics card may be.

Once you leave the WoW and experience RL you’ll never go back. Instead of spending days in front of your computer, you’ll be…what’s that word again? Mobile. In fact, you may even find yourself wanting to share your experiences. You'll create a Facebook account and before you know it you'll have a vast on-line social network! You'll then start a blog to tell people all about the things you've done - and you'll meet tons of "virtual friends." Before you know if you'll be spending most of your time on-line trying to keep up with all of your new friends and....

Hold on, I think I see a flaw in my logic.

Never mind. Get back to your game.

Your Friend,

Joe

Monday, November 10, 2008

Monday Blogservations

Everything Old is New Again
Was I the only one a little freaked out by CNN's Wolf Blitzer in his New York command center flashing back to to standing 10 paces away from a 3-D rendering of a reporter? CNN projects Jessica Yellin into the studio just 31 years after Princess Leia and R2D2 teamed up to send holographic messages in Star Wars. Since that movie supposedly took place a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away isn't the technology severely outdated by now? I mean, shouldn't we have holographic televisions and flying cars by now?

We have a bid of $100 million from the an anthropomorphic cartoon cheetah in the back row
On a day in which we took a huge step forward and several steps back, Massachusetts voted to decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana. Now the bidding to become the official state munchie can begin in earnest.

We're Hoping to Avoid Bankruptcy So We Can Afford to Hire People to Proofread our Copy
Electronic retailer Circuit City which filed for bankruptcy today, is apparently hanging it's hopes on a new price pledge campaign. The commercial is bad enough on general principles alone, but the actress actually uses the phrase "...whole 'nother price", conveniently ignoring the fact that there no such word as "nother."

We Have No Budget but Hopefully Nobody Will Notice
Jan Terry's video for her 1994 song "Journey to Mars" is my new Favorite. Video. Ever. Clearly it's the campiest video of all time. Pay special attention to the out-of-focus camera shots, the clever use of the monorail as the spaceship stand-in, the futuristic communications device, and the catchy "Beam Me Up Scotty!" sex-kitten chorus.

And the Academy Award for Overexposure Goes to...
Apparently Elizabeth Banks will fall just short of her goal of appearing in every single movie, television show, or webisode released for this year. It wasn't for lack of effort, though. As evidence, you can see her in the movies Role Models, W., Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Lovely, Still, Meet Dave, and Definitely, Maybe and the TV mini-series Comanche Moon. If that's not enough, you can also catch her in web-series Wainy Days and you can hear her voice overs in several episodes of American Dad. Sorry, Elizabeth. Better luck next year.

My 15 Minutes Have Arrived, Yet Wealth Remains as Elusive as Ever
Thanks to GreenJello I've had one of my quotes featured on Blogtations, which advertises itself as "a place to collect the funny, inspirational, thought-provoking things shared on blogs every day." Well, there's all of that and then there's me.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

That's Rich

I've figured out how get rich even in these tough economic times.

I'm going to give people a penny for their thoughts and in return they'll give me their two cents.

My dream of becoming a billionaire is only 100,000,000,000 transactions away!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Beautiful Day

America changed for the better last night, that much is certain.

Of course, that's based on the supposition that he's a man of his word. That his promises weren't simply rhetoric spewed in the heat of battle but were an iron-clad pact with the American people who want and need so badly to believe him.

But I believe in the man we elected last night. I think he has the wisdom and level head necessary to lead us to greatness once again; To heal the rifts that have torn us asunder; To restore hope and pride to our lexicon.

Yes, a new day has dawned America. A better day.

And as proof I submit that fact that Stephen Baldwin has promised to leave the country.

Monday, November 03, 2008

The Month in Pictures:

Random End-Of-Month Thoughts:

It's a measure of my maturity - or lack thereof - that my favorite part of the day on Friday was calling people "Halloweenies"

Spent part of Saturday at my sister's new house helping my brother-in-law tear down paneling...and you thought your life was boring?!?

The holiday skating rink is up at Bryant Park and the shops and restaurant will open shortly - the first

Ran 5 miles again yesterday and it was (slightly) easier than last week. In contrast, my friend finished yesterday's NYC marathon in 3 hours 48 minutes, or an average of about 8:48 per mile, so I'm not all that proud of running 1/5 as far at roughly the same rate.

I've volunteered again to assist at the Starlight Starbright Celebrity Sports Auction at Madison Square Garden this evening. It's one of my favorite events and the kids are too adorable.

Anyway, let's move on to the MiP:

Desperate for to make up ground as the Presidential race winds down, Sen. McCain has resorted to following Sen. Obama around making faces behind his back.


Meanwhile, an overconfident Sen. Obama has begun traveling around the country posting to show exactly how he'd like the eventual statues of him to look.


Officials in Southern California believe they've hit on an ingenious plan to end the traffic jams by incenting people to drive more quickly.


Shooting began on the remake of Field of Dreams in which deceased soccer stars Ferenc Puskas, Stanley Matthews, and Lev Yashin emerge from the fog into the back yard of an American man who has no idea who they are. By the end of the movie, he still has no idea who they are.


Police are on the lookout for a wild pumpkin that has been blamed in the deaths of several small dogs.


The Royal Cat Competition ended this week with the traditional "Best Mouser" competition.


A man was fired from his job after he misunderstood a phrase in a planning meeting and spent his entire departmental budget creating low hanging fruit.


Rumor has it that Madonna's marriage first hit the rocks when she opened her legs and one of her dancers fell out.


The 2009 Bank Robber fashion show featured daring designs for the discriminating thief.


Continuing the time-honored tradition of troubled celebrity offspring two Muppet children were arrested this week on drug possession charges.


The animal porn industry is bracing for a killer weekend at the box office with the release of two expected blockbusters: "Eat my Nuts"...


...and Peter, Peter Pumpkin ****er.


An inventor has created a hat that indicates the relative temperature. As soon as he's able to correct a few spelling errors and it'll be ready for production.


And finally, God announced today that He is scrapping His broad-based communication strategy in favor of more targeted messages.d