Thursday, August 06, 2009

Week in Pictures: North Korean Edition

The fight against the Canadian invasion continues. We've had some luck in blocking the cold air fronts they've sent to prep for their assault, and our sources tell me that they're gathered up in Banff under the guise of vacationers but in reality are planning their next move.

Meanwhile, we have exclusive pictures of Laura Ling and Euna Lee's return from a North Korean prison earlier this week. Our intrepid Week in Pictures staff has the behind the scenes story:


As evidence of former President Clinton's negotiating prowess, the North Koreans not only released the reporters, but also provided them with gift bags.


Remaining true to form, Clinton made both women put their hand down his pants before they were allowed to board the plane.


Meanwhile, upon the return from his successful trip, Clinton and his former Vice President Al Gore broke into their traditional celebratory tango.


And finally, Republicans continued to try raise the ire of the unflappable President Obama - this time by raising his podium to an absurd height in advance of his press conference about the release.

Okay, I need to get back into hiding. Stay strong!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Hortons: Here's a Who...

I only have a few moments to post, so I'll make this quick.

A few months back I came upon some information that indicated the Canada would soon invade the U.S. and I immediately stopped blogging and went underground to join the resistance. It's been a long and difficult struggle and thus far we've made little headway while those crafty Canadians have begun prepping our country for their takeover by exporting cold air masses to lower the summer temperatures in the Northeast - where our intelligence indicates they'll strike first. The second wave began this week when they began stealthily replacing Dunkin Donuts franchises with Tim Hortons. Most Americans remain blissfully unaware of the scheme, and by the time they realize what's happening, our temperatures will be reported in Celsius and their children will be asking to go "Oootside to play."

I'm urging you to fight back fellow bloggers. Don't sit idly by while this happens.

I fear that staying on line too long will allow the Mounties to triangulate our position, so I must sign off now. I'll write again when I'm able.

Stay strong.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Week in Pictures

Won't be seen this week because, you know, it's Memorial Day weekend and all. Stay tuned next week for an all new, and predictably mediocre, edition!

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Week In Pictures: The 'I Forgot to Post This on Friday' Edition

Random Friday Thoughts

Today is going to suck. I hate this part of my job. Erm...I mean the things I do after blogging, not the part that pays me to post things like the WiP.

Rain is forecast for most of the weekend, which is good since it's been about 12 hours since we last saw a downpour. I was worried that we might be in the midst of a drought.

Anyway, lots to do today, so let's move on to the WiP.



Archaeologists have discovered the earliest known depiction of the human body, which appears to be a headless female with large breasts or, as the artist titled the work, "The Perfect Woman"

HA HA HA...erm...kidding.


Recent satellite photos of earth indicate that, in addition to other woes, global warming seems to have resulted in a bad case of dandruff for the planet.


Anthropologists have come across a remote tribe that came across a discarded computer and began worshipping it as a god - to the point of having DVD trays installed in the mouths.


A man is looking to set the world's record for fastest bicycle trip around the world. His plan rests on an ingenious device that will permit him to make the trip without stopping to use the restroom.


Japan Air Lines' attempts to cram more cargo into their planes hit a snag when the FAA refused to allow them to use an engine for one of their baggage compartments.


Speaking of Japan, here you go Grant.



Security experts expressed growing concern over signs that we may be in the early stages of a new arms race.


Police have released this graphic photo in an effort to help identify a hit and run unicyclist who struck a pedestrian yesterday.


In other crime related news, the DEA has made what it calls one of the biggest narcotics busts ever in taking down a huge pot farm on the outskirts of town.


And finally, a woman arrested for prostitution was released after police realized that it was a misunderstanding and that the woman was actually on her way to a costume party dressed as a "hookah."

Friday, May 01, 2009

Week in Pictures: Abbreviated Edition

Random Friday Thoughts:

Rain, rain, rain. That's pretty much the weekend forecast. Thank goodness for alcohol.

The transfer out of NY is looking more realistic by the day, so let's see how much longer I'm here.

It's been a crazy week at work, so the WiP is going to be very brief. So without further ado, let's jump right into it:

A sand sculputre artist has filed for damages against the city after what he says was an improper arrest for giving blow jobs on the beach.


In a related story, a local woman was arrested on beastiality charges for exchanging butterfly kisses.


Consumer advocates admit to growing concern that the bicycle helmet laws passed by many municipalities may be going a little too far.


Yesterday was laundry day in the Where's Waldo household.


Archeologists in Mexico believe that they have found ancient sculptures depicting the country's first surgeons.


Sorry Grant. Forgot to include this for a minute there...


After numerous rounds of plastic surgery left them with nothing left to nip or tuck, doctors were left with no choice but to construct a wire cage upon which to build Joan Rivers' latest face.


And finally, in our "Where Are They Now" section, famed 80s video game star Pac Man has launched a new career as an artist and is currently hosting an exhibition of his works entitled "The Ghosts Who Tried to Eat Me."

Friday, April 24, 2009

Week in Pictures: The Return Edition

Random Friday Thoughts:

Softball season starts on Sunday. First double header should be over by 10:30. First beer should be popped by 10:31.

Work is...well...work.

It's been so long that I'm not really sure that I remember how to do this WiP thing, but here goes:

After was Maddona was singled out by PETA for wearing a fur blouse, it was revealed that the blouse was not animal fur, but was made of 100% Muppet, prompting a second wave of protests from PETM.


Speaking of Muppets, our "where are they now" item focuses on Elmo. The adorable infant is all grown up now and training for the space program and NASA.


Groundhog Day took an unexpected twist for Punxsutawney Phil when his handler gave him an impromptu prostate exam.


A toad seeking to break the amphibian push up record fell short when he was tragically struck by a hit-and-run driver.


Here you go Grant.


A woman frustrated by her husband's repeated claims that he lost track of time erected this sculpture in his favorite pub. Sadly, she seems to have neglected to synchronize them.


This just in...the amphibian police just moved in and arrested the man they believe was behind the hit-and-run accident that we told you about moments ago.


An overexcited father-to-be was fired at his job for bringing in his wife's egg to show that he had, indeed, fertilized it.


I really should take up golf this summer.


Researchers have uncovered compelling evidence that a bird in the hand is, in fact, worth more than two in the bush largely because the ones in the bush cost a fortune to feed.


Meanwhile, Greek scientists are conducting a study to determine if there is use in crying over spilled milk.


A recent spike in alcoholism among deer is being attributed to the stress brought on by hunting season.


And finally, drug testing in babies may become more prevalent now that they've found a way to get them to pee in a cup.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Blogs Away!

Hey kids! Sorry, for being away for so long. I know i said that I'd be right back, but I meant it in the way my Dad did when he had to "use the restroom" at whatever bar we were in danger of driving by. He'd invariably come back out an hour or two later reeking of alcohol and complaining about the long lines at the men's room.

But I digress. Turns out that I misplaced my blog url and it took me FOREVER to find it. You know how these things go. I mean, at my age the only thing shorter than my memory span is the length of time between trips to the men's room.

Yeah...prostate jokes never go over big, do they?

Anywho...I've been thinking about this whole blog thing lately. I mean, 132 posts in 2007? Where the hell did I find the time to that much? I suppose that was before they promoted me and expected me to do work. Erm...and before Facebook.

So here's the deal. I'm not giving up blogging completely. On the odd day that something funny happens, I'll post something. Also, after receiving a few requests from folks, I'll reinstate the old Week in Pictures thing, which I'll try to run every Friday.

Sound fair?

So what does that picture in the corner have to do with the post? Absolutely nothing. Got your attention, though, didn't it?

Friday, April 03, 2009

Conspicuous Consumption

Woot is selling a Dyson DC25 Upright Ball Vacuum for $279.99 (plus $5 shipping) which seems to be a riduculous price for a luxury item like that. I mean, how often do I really need to vacuum my balls?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Green Day

Hey boys and girls! It's St. Patrick's Day and you know what that means!

Erm...amatuer hour in the local bars. Bagels whose greenish hue leave you wondering if it's food coloring or mold. Poorly pulled pints of Guiness from bartenders too harried to do it right.

So...yeah.

Anyway, the past week has been pretty rough and so I'm going to take a brief break from blogging so that I can get a few things straight.

See you all soon.

Or not.

Monday, March 09, 2009

An Open Letter to Congress

Dear Congress,

I know you're busy with the economy and and all of that other political stuff, so let me get right to the point.

I completely understand and can get behind the whole concept of daylight savings time. For one thing, traveling to work in the dark makes it much, much easier for me to sleep on the train. It'll also be nice to see what my house actually looks like during the day.

At the same time, it's beyond me why you'd think it a good idea to set clocks ahead on Sunday morning, forcing me to lose a precious hour of my weekend time (though setting the clocks back during the weekends makes perfect sense). I mean, for people who claim to want to be re-elected you certainly don't think things through.

Fortunately, I've come up with a solution which, like most things in life, is painfully obvious once you see it. You need to get to work and pass a law requiring daylight savings take effect at 4 p.m. on a Friday?

And none of that funny stuff in which you add riders allocating $14 million to a pig farm in Mississippi or $2.8 billion to study the migratory habits of the Pittsburgh Penguin, only to learn later that it's a hockey team.

Don't worry, there's no charge for the advice. But it you want more, I'll need a few million dollars tossed my way. Just add it as a rider to whatever bill you pass next and nobody will notice it.

Thanks.

Your Friend,

Joe

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Hot Sauce Haiku

Oh sweet Tabasco
The way you burn baby burn
Disco Inferno

Monday, March 02, 2009

Snow Tired

I woke up this morning to 12 inches and...that's what she said!

But seriously. It snowed like hell out here today.

My back is killing me from shoveling out my driveway. And then I walked into the house at 5:30 a.m. to a call from the President of the region during which we decided that we were going to close the suburban offices (one of which is 5 minutes from my house) but keep the New York City offices open - which meant I had to come to work instead of going back to bed.

Insert sympathy here...

So, in summary, carrying around 12 inches is hell on one's back.

And the snow didn't help either.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Family Friday

Just a quick break for some random cuteness supplied by my niece Jasmine and nephew E.J.


Yeah, we love each other now, but just wait until we're teenagers...


Never too young to rock the Yankees gear (though I hope to convert him to the Mets at some point)


I already knows how to turn on the PS3. I get that from my father...


Are you sure this is how Michelangelo got started?


And...scene!

Okay, okay. But just a few more but then I really have to get to work...