Friday, January 30, 2009

Mail Enhancement

More in my continuing series of emails to strangers who insist on trying to give me money:

From: ""
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 6:03:53 PM
Subject: winners

The sum of £891,934.00 pounds has won by your E-MAIL Do get back to this office with your information
Names :
Conntry :
Occupation :
Age :
Sex :

Dear Mich (c/o uknational5),

Allow me to begin by apologizing for reading a message that was clearly intended for my E-MAIL. I can't tell you how often that happens, and it's been causing quite a strain in our relationship. In order to avoid confusion in the future, it might be helpful if you were to add something along the lines of (for Joe) or (for Joe's E-MAIL) in the subject line of all future correspondence.

Anyway, I'm quite happy about my E-MAIL's good fortune. Frankly, I probably would have been a bit more envious had I not been informed yesterday that I will be receiving $800,000 once I can resolve a delivery problem with FedEx.

That said, I must confess that I have some concerns about this sudden windfall because my E-MAIL has been acting somewhat erratically lately (e.g., misplacing messages, failing to deliver my Today's Papers message from Slate until late in the day, changing its name from e-mail to the more narcissistic E-MAIL) and I'm worried that the influx of cash will push him over the edge into more destructive behavior - including some that may lead to it contracting some nasty viruses.

As an example, it just sent me an e-mail (from E-MAIL - ha, ha) telling me that it's taking the rest of the day off and won't be available this weekend because it's heading to Amsterdam.

There's going be no living with it now.

Your Friend,


P.S. I notice that you misspelled "Country" in your message. Are you sure you're not trying to "Con" me? lol

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Raining Money

The economy is tanking, every day there are more layoffs announced, and yet my inbox is flooded with people offering me money.

So for the next few days, I'll be sharing with you some of the emails that I've received of late along with my responses.

From: Mr Leonand
Subject: Greetings!

I have deposited the Draft of $800,000.00 with FedEx Courier Service, What you have to do now is to contact the FedEx Courier Service as soon as possible.

Dear Mr. Leonand,

Thank you so much for your email. Good news is tough to find in these difficult economic times, and this was certainly a welcome surprise.

As you suggested, I contacted FedEx. However, they do not appear to have any record of a package being held for me. Can you perhaps provide a tracking number?

I must admit that while I'm flattered by your generosity towards me - a complete stranger - I'm a little confused that FedEx seems to have dropped the ball on this one. It's particularly troubling because they never seem to have any problem finding me when they're delivering work documents.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you and would love to take you out for a drink with some of the money you're giving me for absolultely no reason. Let me know when you're in town next and perhaps we can make arrangements.

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

Your Friend,


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Happy Birthday SSC

Please join me in wishing a 30th Happy Birthday to the beautiful and amazing SSC.

I know you've been a little worried about turning 30, so let me set your mind at ease. Turning 30 is nothing compared with turning 40, so enjoy the next 10 years.

But what I really want to do is offer you an old Irish toast on this special day:

May God grant you many years to live, for sure he must be knowing, the earth has angels all too few and heaven is overflowing...

Happy Birthday!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Random Thursday Thoughts

Item One:
We're only a few weeks into 2009, but in my new role as a modern day Nostradamus, I thought I'd pass along to you, my faithful reader, the 2010 Mercedes GLK website so that you can order yourself one a full year before anyone else even sees it.

Item Two:
Conspiracy theorists were dealt a blow when President Obama retook the oath of office yesterday. I'm not sure how broad this was, but I heard 3-4 separate conversations yesterday in which people claimed that Chief Justice Roberts intentionally erred in giving oath in an effort to avoid legitimizing Obama's Presidency.

Item Three:
Circuit City is liquidating it's inventory as it prepares to shut down it's remaining stores. Some industry analysts point to a failed business model that saw the company attempt to save money by firing its experienced and knowledgeable sales force in favor of hiring lower-paid sales staff - which resulted in a significant drop-off in customer service. Personally, I believe it was driven by customer disappointment that the anthropomorphic electronic equipment advertised did not actually exist.

Item Four:
Apparently that flying car thing I posted last week was just a pre-election smokescreen for the
real thing which will retail for a mere $194,000. See? I promise the future was upon us and so it is.

Item Five:
Apparently the number of couch potatoes playing Wii has lead to a new bout of physical ailments called Wii knee.

Wii knee. Heh, heh, heh.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Our Nation Turns It's Lonely Eyes to...

...well, Washington, D.C. apparently. Something big is apparently going on down there today. I'm shocked at how understated the whole thing has been. You'd think the media would have at least touched on it.

Kidding. Really. I promise. I made that joke this weekend and was berated by a stranger for not recognizing the historic implications of the moment. I mean, is it possible to even do that?

Meanwhile, back in New York, I'm contemplating equally weighty matters.

When reading the paper this weekend, I misread an advertisement that proclaimed "Don't Wait! Act Now!" and realized that the company that placed the ad may be missing out on the dyslexic market who may have read it as "Wait! Don't Act Now!"

Thursday, January 15, 2009


So last week I wrote this post in which I referenced my disappointment with the lack of flying cars and commenting on my hopes things would change when Obama takes office next week.

Well it appears that things are already ahead of schedule.

So, in summary, it's pretty clear that this blog is the place to be this year if you want to be on the cutting edge.

Next prediction: Time travel (though I suspect that he may be saving that for the second term)

Monday, January 12, 2009

It's All About Meme

A few weeks ago Grant was nice enough to respond to my request to be interviewed. Being the holiday season and all, I worried that both of my readers might be too busy to miss the half-assed quality answers I posted so I waited until today to post.

The meme rules:

“The only rules are that you have to link back to the original post and you have to put these rules in your post. Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.”

That said, here we go:

1. If you could change one decision in your life, what would it be?
Most of the decisions I've made have worked out okay in the end, largely due to the availability and low cost of penicillin. That said, two of my more important life lessons were (1) that self-piercing isn't the best idea in the world (suffice it to say that hot needles shouldn't be used on one's reproductive areas but if they are, Play-Doh is a surprisingly versatile prosthetic device); and (2) there are certain body parts that shouldn't be stuck to a frozen flagpole “just to see what will happen.”

In reality, my life has been surprisingly regret-free thus far - which probably speaks more to my ability to compartmentalize than it does to my decision-making skills.

2. What is the one question people never ask about your blog that you wish they did?
Frankly, I’m amazed that nobody has said “Gee, Joe, your writing is Pulitzer worthy. Why haven’t you been nominated, let alone won?” Another might be “Have people actually been blinded by your charm and charisma?” Sadly, the answer is no, though some have been temporarily blinded by the shine coming off of my ever expanding forehead (or fivehead as I’m now calling it).

But really, I’m surprised that more people don’t ask about the fact that I rarely write about anything truly personal or revealing. Even when I do, it’s often used as a set-up for some kind of punch line. It’s incredible how much you can deflect with humor.

3. Answering with pictures, who is the hottest Asian woman on the planet? (tip - if stuck for answers, google "Ebi-chan")

To be honest, I have no idea which of these would qualify as the hottest Asian woman on the planet - but had you asked me who the hottest woman on the planet is, that would be a no-brainer.

Meanwhile, consider the women above as my gift to you, Grant, for taking the time interview me. Please allow 6-8 weeks for shipping. I'll bet that sandwich that Ebi-chan is holding will come in really handy during that period.

4. What is the most inoffensive and tactful statement you can make using the words "vagina", "hurl", "thee", and "shart"?
Spell check is a wonderful tool for catching typos - like when you type "shart" when you really meant "smart" - but which shouldn't replace proofreading lest it hurl thee into a situation in which your reference to the beauty of Virginia reads as Vagina.

5. If a choir of angels came down from up on high and sang in their lilting voices that you must either give up coffee forever or brutally slay all of your office mates in bloody hand-to-hand combat, what weapon would you choose and why?

That’s a tough one. I actually like most of my co-workers...but I really love coffee.

Does it have to be an either/or thing? Can we negotiate some kind of hybrid in which they slay select co-workers in exchange for me, say, giving up coffee on Sundays?

And when I say, “giving up” I hope they understand that really means scaling back from an extra-large coffee to a large. Hopefully, God’s lawyers won’t catch that edit - and I suspect they won’t since all of the best attorneys are likely in the employ of Satan.

So there you have it. Now if you want to be interviewed go ahead and follow the rules above. If you have more questions for me, feel free to put them in the comments or to email me at

Thursday, January 08, 2009

2009: Word of the Year (So Far)

I love words.

Drop a word like palliative or persnickety or plethora into a conversation and I'm in heaven. And those are just the 'p' words...

Anyway, as much as I enjoy real words, sometimes made up ones are even more fun.

For example, my recent favorite is "overchicked" which, according to the always helpful Urban Dictionary is used when a not-so-good-looking guy lands a chick that's way more attractive than he is.

Erm...I could use it in a sentence, but I think the picture on the right is worth the proverbial. Note her pulchritude and his complete lack thereof.

Okay, I'll stop 'p'-ing now. Ha, Ha, Ha...ugh...sorry.

Now as much as I enjoy saying "overchicked," I can't help but to wonder why they didn't go with something like "Upchicked" or "Upchicking" both of which would give me the opportunity to giggle like a schoolgirl chuckle whenever I said them. I guess instead of complaining about it, I should just start making up my own random words. Either that or begin my amuse-bouche campaign anew.

On a related note, favorite "real" word at the moment is internecine. It's amazing how often you can use that in a typical work day, especially if you work in HR.

But let's hope that none of you have to actually work in HR because, let's be honest, that's when you know you've hit bottom.

Monday, January 05, 2009

2009: The Year in Review (so far)

So, it's 2009.

Thus far it's suspiciously like 2008.

I have to say I'm disappointed.

No flying cars.

No Jetsons-like automated showers/dressing robots.

No lunar colonies.

I suspect that all of this will change after Obama is inugurated, though, so I'm still optimistic.

More on this later.