Monday, January 12, 2009

It's All About Meme

A few weeks ago Grant was nice enough to respond to my request to be interviewed. Being the holiday season and all, I worried that both of my readers might be too busy to miss the half-assed quality answers I posted so I waited until today to post.

The meme rules:

“The only rules are that you have to link back to the original post and you have to put these rules in your post. Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.”

That said, here we go:

1. If you could change one decision in your life, what would it be?
Most of the decisions I've made have worked out okay in the end, largely due to the availability and low cost of penicillin. That said, two of my more important life lessons were (1) that self-piercing isn't the best idea in the world (suffice it to say that hot needles shouldn't be used on one's reproductive areas but if they are, Play-Doh is a surprisingly versatile prosthetic device); and (2) there are certain body parts that shouldn't be stuck to a frozen flagpole “just to see what will happen.”

In reality, my life has been surprisingly regret-free thus far - which probably speaks more to my ability to compartmentalize than it does to my decision-making skills.

2. What is the one question people never ask about your blog that you wish they did?
Frankly, I’m amazed that nobody has said “Gee, Joe, your writing is Pulitzer worthy. Why haven’t you been nominated, let alone won?” Another might be “Have people actually been blinded by your charm and charisma?” Sadly, the answer is no, though some have been temporarily blinded by the shine coming off of my ever expanding forehead (or fivehead as I’m now calling it).

But really, I’m surprised that more people don’t ask about the fact that I rarely write about anything truly personal or revealing. Even when I do, it’s often used as a set-up for some kind of punch line. It’s incredible how much you can deflect with humor.

3. Answering with pictures, who is the hottest Asian woman on the planet? (tip - if stuck for answers, google "Ebi-chan")

To be honest, I have no idea which of these would qualify as the hottest Asian woman on the planet - but had you asked me who the hottest woman on the planet is, that would be a no-brainer.

Meanwhile, consider the women above as my gift to you, Grant, for taking the time interview me. Please allow 6-8 weeks for shipping. I'll bet that sandwich that Ebi-chan is holding will come in really handy during that period.

4. What is the most inoffensive and tactful statement you can make using the words "vagina", "hurl", "thee", and "shart"?
Spell check is a wonderful tool for catching typos - like when you type "shart" when you really meant "smart" - but which shouldn't replace proofreading lest it hurl thee into a situation in which your reference to the beauty of Virginia reads as Vagina.

5. If a choir of angels came down from up on high and sang in their lilting voices that you must either give up coffee forever or brutally slay all of your office mates in bloody hand-to-hand combat, what weapon would you choose and why?

That’s a tough one. I actually like most of my co-workers...but I really love coffee.

Does it have to be an either/or thing? Can we negotiate some kind of hybrid in which they slay select co-workers in exchange for me, say, giving up coffee on Sundays?

And when I say, “giving up” I hope they understand that really means scaling back from an extra-large coffee to a large. Hopefully, God’s lawyers won’t catch that edit - and I suspect they won’t since all of the best attorneys are likely in the employ of Satan.

So there you have it. Now if you want to be interviewed go ahead and follow the rules above. If you have more questions for me, feel free to put them in the comments or to email me at