Friday, February 27, 2009

Family Friday

Just a quick break for some random cuteness supplied by my niece Jasmine and nephew E.J.


Yeah, we love each other now, but just wait until we're teenagers...


Never too young to rock the Yankees gear (though I hope to convert him to the Mets at some point)


I already knows how to turn on the PS3. I get that from my father...


Are you sure this is how Michelangelo got started?


And...scene!

Okay, okay. But just a few more but then I really have to get to work...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Hair Today

Despite lingering economic woes, my forehead continues to pursue its aggressive expansion agenda.

Analysts believe that the forehead's success is based on it's ability to make infill acquisitions in areas that had previously been dominated by it's main competitor, the hair group, which has been hit by massive layoffs.

In response to this, I've begun shorting hair.

Get it? Shorting? It's a financial joke! Ha, ha...erm..ha.

On an unrelated note, today is Ash Wednesday so allow me to trot out my favorite old line:

Q: "What are you giving up for Lent?"
Me: "Self-denial"

And finally, for those of you who are curious, here's a post I wrote a while about about The Origin of Ash Wednesday.

Enjoy. Or don't. I really can't make you do anything, can I?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Eye Popping

Did you see the Academy Awards last night? The glamor? The splendor? The unforgettable pageantry of the circle jerk that is the never ending Hollywood awards season? Did you see what he or she was wearing? Wasn't it amazing? Wasn't it awful?

It truly was a night of winners.

Erm...and even more losers.

So anyway, did you see it?

Yeah, me either.

But I did catch sight this morning of a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker - who was apparently trying to see how tight her dress had to be before her breasts popped out of the top of it - and, I must say, that's the kind of fashion that a guy can get behind.

Or in front of.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Fed-Excellent!

Still more in my continuing correspondence with people looking to make me rich. This one is a response to this email.
------------------------------------------------------------
Goodday,

In respect to the package will received from Mr. Leonard Jefferson, I have been awaiting for you to contact me for the delivery of your cheque of $800,000,00 US Dollars. You can as well come down to this branch to pick up your package or even send someone to pick it up on your behalf. More so, the phone number works perfectly and I will advise you cross the number again as it is below this mail.

There is this Mr.Leonard Jefferson who came to our company last week to place your cheque on out going delivery, he already paid for the insurance fees and the delivery charges. But he did not pay for the security keeping fees due to the fact that we did not know when you will be contacting us via mail to inform us that we have your cheque, so we advised him not to pay for the security keeping fees of the courier company so far but we informed him to contact you on time so you will not have to pay more than $350.00 US Dollars on demurrage and we do not operate COD on a charge like this.

All you need to do right now to get your cheque delivered to your door step is to go ahead and pay the security keeping fee of the courier company so far.The fee is $350.00 US Dollars only, you are to come up with this fee as to process the delivery of your package.

Payment should be made via western union money transfer only for security purpose, payment details are listed below.

NAME: Mr. Benedict Osadolor
ADDRESS: #12 airport road Benin city Edo state Nigieria

You have to send down the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) and your complete postal address. Reconfirm your full name, address, country and most important your phone number.

Get back to me with your payment details, I will have to send Mr.Leonard Jefferson a mail that you have contacted me regarding the cheque he left for you. Note that your tracking number would be provided to you as soon as the payment has been made and confirmed by us.

Have a wonderful time. Please call me anytime you need any assistance.

Yours,

Mr. Daniel j Cole
Dispatch Director.
Tel: (+234)7034414665
Email:nigfedex@live.com
Email: fedexdeliveryltd@hotmail.com

P.S:Below is the display image of your package on my desk ready for instant dispatchment.

----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Cole,

I have been waiting for some time to hear back from you and I was thrilled to receive your email this morning. I have to say that it was awfully generous of Mr. Leonard Jefferson to pay the insurance fees and delivery charges in addition to giving me the money.

I have to admit that for a few moments, I thought this might be a scam. At first I wondered why you couldn't provide the tracking number to me before I wire the money for the security fees. I mean, you have the package and it's not like I'd be able to use the tracking number to do anything other than read that the package is still sitting on your (very neat!) desk. Second, why wouldn't Mr. Leonard Jefferson simply ask me for my address when he emailed me to tell me that you were holding my package? (So to speak - ha, ha)

Two things helped me overcome my doubt, though. The first was your use of the word demurrage - which I'll admit that I had to look up). Clearly you're too well educated to have to resort to grifting. The second - and most convincing - was that you sent me a picture of the actual package!

Sadly, I'm a little short on funds at the moment. I went on a shopping spree in anticipation of receiving this money which, as you can imagine, cleaned out my bank account. The lesson learned, I suppose, is that one should always hold back $350.00US Dollars for a rainy day.

Not to worry, though. I'm going to send an email to Mr. Leonard Jefferson asking him to wire me the money so that I can then turn around and wire it to you. I'm sure he'll do it since he above all others should know that I'm good for the money! As an alternative, I'll simply ask him to stop by your office to pay the $350.00 US Dollars and to issue a me new check in the amount of $799,650,00 US Dollars.

I look forward to receiving my check!

Your Friend,

Joe

P.S. which, by the way, seems awfully bulky to be holding a check. Are you sure it doesn't contain $800,000,00 US dollars in cash?

P.P.S. - You seem to have accidentally written the amount as $800,000,00 US dollars - probably as a result of being nervous at having that amount of money sitting at your desk. I've carried that error through in my response as a way of being polite, but I thought I should let you know that it should be written as $800,000 US in the event that Mr. Leonard Jefferson drops off a large check for someone else.

Friday, February 13, 2009

An Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama,

I read this morning that you lost your third cabinet nominee yesterday. Now I'm no political expert, but I'm thinking that you might want to be a little more careful with your nominees in the future lest you all too quickly lose your honeymoon status with the American public.

Of course, I'd hate to see that happen particularly given the wave of hope you rode into the Oval Office. That said, we can't have you misplacing cabinet nominees. I mean, not only is it embarrassing but it undermines people's confidence in you. I mean, these are people that you're losing! How can you expect us to trust you with the trillion dollars you're asking for?

Anyway, I found a website that you might find helpful as you try to find those folks. When you do, I might suggest that you have tracking devices implanted in them. I know this might seem inhumane, but you're the President and you can't risk losing them again.

Hope this helps.

Your Friend,

Joe

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ponderings

Random Thursday Thoughts

I Suppose It's Preferable to Someone Who Isn't Carrying One...
Exactly how badly would you need to use the restroom before you chose to follow in behind a person who is carrying a newspaper and a can of air freshener spray?

Junk in her...bonus?
A friend of mine called the other day irate about the way her company is handling her bonus, which in general would exceed $1 million. Due to abysmal results, the bonuses were cut to $700,000 - or slightly less than my e-mail earns on a given day. which already upset her. (clearly she and I inhabit entirely different worlds)

What pushed her over the edge, though, was that the maximum cash people at her level will receive is $100,000. The rest (and I love this part) will be paid in toxic assets. The general thinking is "you helped create this so if you want to get paid you'll need to fix it."

Pretty interesting, and admirable, approach I think.

But Where's the Booty?
It's extremely windy outside today, which means building in which I work is creaking loudly. It's like trying to work into he hold of a pirate ship.

Assuming, of course, that pirate ships had HR departments.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Blotto Luck

More in my continuing email correspondence with strangers who insist on trying to give me money:

--------------------------------------------------------
Your Email Won!
ESPA√ĎA PROMO 2009

Important Information,Please your urgent response is needed. It is a Pleasure to inform you through this medium that your email address won a prize of 450,000.00 Euro in category B'Lotto Shop Award,

Ticketnumber:67-84-501
Reference number:AD/GU888/68/06.NH
BATCH NUMBER: 15/051/IPU
LUCKY NUMBER: ES1242676578
PROMOTION DATE: 9th Feb 2009.

Your full Names:
Telephone:
Age:

For the immediate release of your funds, you are to provide the following details to our agent.

Contact Person:Mr.Frank Dorek.
Tel: +34 691 955 349
Email:chaletspl@aim.com

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs.Laura Andaluss.
------------------------------------------------------

Dear Laura,

I'm writing on behalf of my email address which, once again, seems to have stumbled into a vast sum of money. As you can imagine, it's been pretty much "Blotto" since winning £891,934.00 a few weeks back, but I had no idea that it could be so lucrative. Had I known, I would have entered myself since it seems to involve two of my favorite things: getting drunk and winning lots of money. I'm not too fond of the shopping part, but I'd be willing to make the sacrifice for the chance to win €450,000.

By the way, feel free to cut and paste the Euro symbol that I've included here in future correspondence with me and any other lucky winners so that you don't need to keep typing the word "euro."

On a side note, I have to commend my email address for choosing such a unique lucky number. Mine is '2' and I can't imagine that it would have stood a chance of winning your drawing. It just goes to show that computers are becoming smarter than people these days.

Let me also compliment you on the clever way that you have chosen to weed out the people who simply skim the email and don't comply with your instructions. I'll bet most of them send their full names, telephone, and age - which is a sure way to set themselves up for scams should a dishonest person intercept the email exchange. Instead, I will comply with your request as written which states that "For the immediate release of your funds, you are to provide the following details to our agent"

So here you go:

Contact Person:Mr.Frank Dorek.

Tel: +34 691 955 349

Email:chaletspl@aim.com

Very slick...

Finally, as the recently appointed agent for my e-mail address, I will require that you pay me 10% of the amount won, which comes to €45,000, before we continue our correspondence. Please wire the money immediately via Western Union and email me again when it is ready. Once I've received the money, I will provide you with whatever additional information required in order to ensure that my e-mail address receives the balance of its winnings.

Thanks.

Your Friend,

Joe

Friday, February 06, 2009

Random Friday Thoughts

Stay tuned for updates throughout the day. Unless I get bored with this or run out of thoughts - both of which are a distinct possibilities:

It Depends on Your Definition of All-Nighter
Yesterday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid vowed to work "through the night" to find a compromise that would allow a successful vote on President Obama's proposed economic stimulus plan.

They quit at 8:30 p.m.

Hold On...The Smaller One Wins?
According to the Wall Street Journal, a bipartisan group of senators set their goal of getting the stimulus bill down to $800 billion after Senators Collins and Nelson met with President Obama and were told the package needed to be at least that large in order to give the economy a boost.

So, as usual in politics, it's all just a matter of sitting around and comparing the size of their packages.

Does This Count as a Fetish?
As I noted on Jen's blog this morning, I seem to have developed a habit lately of sitting with my hand on the cover, lost in thought for a few minutes, whenever I finish a really good book. Then when I see the same book in a store, I almost always reach out to touch it.

Erm...the book, I mean.

Perverts.

In Movies as in Life...
Roger wrote a review of The Lost Weekend last week and it made me realize what I love about movies is that there's always someone worse off than me.

Though sometimes you have to watch an awful lot of them before you find that person.

On the Bright Side, the Homeless Shelters are Well-Appointed
Sometimes I forget how expensive it is to live here and then I read something like this.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Gaining Pounds

More in my continuing series of emails to strangers who insist on trying to give me money:

------------------------------------------------------------

From: Irish News Center
Subject: Congratulations Lucky Winner

Ref: UK-BTL/4910XI/04
Batch: 12/25/0304

You have won £1,350,000.00 pounds.

send the following: Name,Age,Sex,Country

Email: garland.alexander5@btinternet.com

Mrs Garland Alexander

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Alexander,

That's great news!


I can't believe this! I never win anything - especially without entering some kind of drawing or something! But I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth (erm...please don't think that I'm calling you a horse or anything. It's just an expression that we use over here) so let me give you the information that you requested:

My name is Joe. I'm a 42 year-old male and I live in the United States.

I have to say that I'm particularly happy because this will once again make me wealthier than my E-MAIL which, if you read my blog, you'll know recently won £891,934. You can only imagine how difficult it's been to live with it since then.

By the way, a Mrs. Elizabeth and a Mr. James Terry from your office also sent e-mails (to my E-MAIL (ha, ha)) notifying me that I've won the exact same amount. Would it be possible for the three of you to get together and send me just one large check (or cheque as you probably call it) for £4,000,000? (You may keep the remaining £50,000 as a tip) Frankly, it's easier for me to handle one check than three, particularly since I worry that I'll misplaces one of them. I mean, who among us hasn't had to tear up the house looking for that £1,350,000 cheque that we're sure we left on the sofa table (or whatever you call them over there)?

Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.

Your Friend,

Joe

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Glory Days?

I have one more thought before I return to the Open Letters to Con Artists series tomorrow.

During the opening of the halftime show, legendary rocker Bruce Springsteen urged viewers to "
step back from the guacamole" and "put your chicken fingers down" and turn the TV "all the way up..."

A few minutes later he underestimated the slickness of the stage when he did his trademark slide and wound up plowing into the camera (at about 3:43 in the video below) .

I'm guessing that anyone who hadn't stepped back from the guacamole or put the chicken fingers down by then, immediately did so at the sight of the 57 year-old man's crotch filling their television screens.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Grace in Small Things

We'll get back to our regularly scheduled Open Letters to Con Artists later this week but I just want to comment on the weekend.

I've noticed certain bloggers, such as my friend Jen writing posts called "Grace in Small Things" in which they ennumerate the little things that make life worth living.

I was thinking about that on Saturday when I left my house to find near spring-like conditions as I went to get a Brazilian and a haircut...

What?

Why are you all looking at me like that?

I meant Brazilian coffee!

You people are sick...