Cup O' Joe

Week in Pictures: North Korean Edition

2009-08-06T13:29:00.006-04:00

The fight against the Canadian invasion continues. We've had some luck in blocking the cold air fronts they've sent to prep for their assault, and our sources tell me that they're gathered up in Banff under the guise of vacationers but in reality are planning their next move.

Meanwhile, we have exclusive pictures of Laura Ling and Euna Lee's return from a North Korean prison earlier this week. Our intrepid Week in Pictures staff has the behind the scenes story:

As evidence of former President Clinton's negotiating prowess, the North Koreans not only released the reporters, but also provided them with gift bags.

Remaining true to form, Clinton made both women put their hand down his pants before they were allowed to board the plane.

Meanwhile, upon the return from his successful trip, Clinton and his former Vice President Al Gore broke into their traditional celebratory tango.

And finally, Republicans continued to try raise the ire of the unflappable President Obama - this time by raising his podium to an absurd height in advance of his press conference about the release.

Okay, I need to get back into hiding. Stay strong!

Hortons: Here's a Who...

2009-07-14T08:08:00.004-04:00

I only have a few moments to post, so I'll make this quick.

A few months back I came upon some information that indicated the Canada would soon invade the U.S. and I immediately stopped blogging and went underground to join the resistance. It's been a long and difficult struggle and thus far we've made little headway while those crafty Canadians have begun prepping our country for their takeover by exporting cold air masses to lower the summer temperatures in the Northeast - where our intelligence indicates they'll strike first. The second wave began this week when they began stealthily replacing Dunkin Donuts franchises with Tim Hortons. Most Americans remain blissfully unaware of the scheme, and by the time they realize what's happening, our temperatures will be reported in Celsius and their children will be asking to go "Oootside to play."

I'm urging you to fight back fellow bloggers. Don't sit idly by while this happens.

I fear that staying on line too long will allow the Mounties to triangulate our position, so I must sign off now. I'll write again when I'm able.

Stay strong.

The Week in Pictures

2009-05-22T14:00:00.001-04:00

Won't be seen this week because, you know, it's Memorial Day weekend and all. Stay tuned next week for an all new, and predictably mediocre, edition!

The Week In Pictures: The 'I Forgot to Post This on Friday' Edition

2009-05-15T08:18:00.006-04:00

Random Friday Thoughts

Today is going to suck. I hate this part of my job. Erm...I mean the things I do after blogging, not the part that pays me to post things like the WiP.

Rain is forecast for most of the weekend, which is good since it's been about 12 hours since we last saw a downpour. I was worried that we might be in the midst of a drought.

Anyway, lots to do today, so let's move on to the WiP.

Archaeologists have discovered the earliest known depiction of the human body, which appears to be a headless female with large breasts or, as the artist titled the work, "The Perfect Woman"

HA HA HA...erm...kidding.

Recent satellite photos of earth indicate that, in addition to other woes, global warming seems to have resulted in a bad case of dandruff for the planet.

Anthropologists have come across a remote tribe that came across a discarded computer and began worshipping it as a god - to the point of having DVD trays installed in the mouths.

A man is looking to set the world's record for fastest bicycle trip around the world. His plan rests on an ingenious device that will permit him to make the trip without stopping to use the restroom.

Japan Air Lines' attempts to cram more cargo into their planes hit a snag when the FAA refused to allow them to use an engine for one of their baggage compartments.

Speaking of Japan, here you go Grant.

Security experts expressed growing concern over signs that we may be in the early stages of a new arms race.

Police have released this graphic photo in an effort to help identify a hit and run unicyclist who struck a pedestrian yesterday.

In other crime related news, the DEA has made what it calls one of the biggest narcotics busts ever in taking down a huge pot farm on the outskirts of town.

And finally, a woman arrested for prostitution was released after police realized that it was a misunderstanding and that the woman was actually on her way to a costume party dressed as a "hookah."

Week in Pictures: Abbreviated Edition

2009-05-01T08:23:00.008-04:00

Random Friday Thoughts:

Rain, rain, rain. That's pretty much the weekend forecast. Thank goodness for alcohol.

The transfer out of NY is looking more realistic by the day, so let's see how much longer I'm here.

It's been a crazy week at work, so the WiP is going to be very brief. So without further ado, let's jump right into it:

A sand sculputre artist has filed for damages against the city after what he says was an improper arrest for giving blow jobs on the beach.

In a related story, a local woman was arrested on beastiality charges for exchanging butterfly kisses.

Consumer advocates admit to growing concern that the bicycle helmet laws passed by many municipalities may be going a little too far.

Yesterday was laundry day in the Where's Waldo household.

Archeologists in Mexico believe that they have found ancient sculptures depicting the country's first surgeons.

Sorry Grant. Forgot to include this for a minute there...

After numerous rounds of plastic surgery left them with nothing left to nip or tuck, doctors were left with no choice but to construct a wire cage upon which to build Joan Rivers' latest face.

And finally, in our "Where Are They Now" section, famed 80s video game star Pac Man has launched a new career as an artist and is currently hosting an exhibition of his works entitled "The Ghosts Who Tried to Eat Me."

Week in Pictures: The Return Edition

2009-04-24T10:16:00.000-04:00

Random Friday Thoughts:

Softball season starts on Sunday. First double header should be over by 10:30. First beer should be popped by 10:31.

Work is...well...work.

It's been so long that I'm not really sure that I remember how to do this WiP thing, but here goes:

After was Maddona was singled out by PETA for wearing a fur blouse, it was revealed that the blouse was not animal fur, but was made of 100% Muppet, prompting a second wave of protests from PETM.

Speaking of Muppets, our "where are they now" item focuses on Elmo. The adorable infant is all grown up now and training for the space program and NASA.

Groundhog Day took an unexpected twist for Punxsutawney Phil when his handler gave him an impromptu prostate exam.

A toad seeking to break the amphibian push up record fell short when he was tragically struck by a hit-and-run driver.

Here you go Grant.

A woman frustrated by her husband's repeated claims that he lost track of time erected this sculpture in his favorite pub. Sadly, she seems to have neglected to synchronize them.

This just in...the amphibian police just moved in and arrested the man they believe was behind the hit-and-run accident that we told you about moments ago.

An overexcited father-to-be was fired at his job for bringing in his wife's egg to show that he had, indeed, fertilized it.

I really should take up golf this summer.

Researchers have uncovered compelling evidence that a bird in the hand is, in fact, worth more than two in the bush largely because the ones in the bush cost a fortune to feed.

Meanwhile, Greek scientists are conducting a study to determine if there is use in crying over spilled milk.

A recent spike in alcoholism among deer is being attributed to the stress brought on by hunting season.

And finally, drug testing in babies may become more prevalent now that they've found a way to get them to pee in a cup.

Blogs Away!

2009-04-20T13:35:00.006-04:00

Hey kids! Sorry, for being away for so long. I know i said that I'd be right back, but I meant it in the way my Dad did when he had to "use the restroom" at whatever bar we were in danger of driving by. He'd invariably come back out an hour or two later reeking of alcohol and complaining about the long lines at the men's room.

But I digress. Turns out that I misplaced my blog url and it took me FOREVER to find it. You know how these things go. I mean, at my age the only thing shorter than my memory span is the length of time between trips to the men's room.

Yeah...prostate jokes never go over big, do they?

Anywho...I've been thinking about this whole blog thing lately. I mean, 132 posts in 2007? Where the hell did I find the time to that much? I suppose that was before they promoted me and expected me to do work. Erm...and before Facebook.

So here's the deal. I'm not giving up blogging completely. On the odd day that something funny happens, I'll post something. Also, after receiving a few requests from folks, I'll reinstate the old Week in Pictures thing, which I'll try to run every Friday.

Sound fair?

So what does that picture in the corner have to do with the post? Absolutely nothing. Got your attention, though, didn't it?

Conspicuous Consumption

2009-04-03T08:06:00.002-04:00

Woot is selling a Dyson DC25 Upright Ball Vacuum for $279.99 (plus $5 shipping) which seems to be a riduculous price for a luxury item like that. I mean, how often do I really need to vacuum my balls?

Green Day

2009-03-17T08:21:00.005-04:00

Hey boys and girls! It's St. Patrick's Day and you know what that means!

Erm...amatuer hour in the local bars. Bagels whose greenish hue leave you wondering if it's food coloring or mold. Poorly pulled pints of Guiness from bartenders too harried to do it right.

So...yeah.

Anyway, the past week has been pretty rough and so I'm going to take a brief break from blogging so that I can get a few things straight.

See you all soon.

Or not.

An Open Letter to Congress

2009-03-09T14:12:00.003-04:00

Dear Congress,

I know you're busy with the economy and and all of that other political stuff, so let me get right to the point.

I completely understand and can get behind the whole concept of daylight savings time. For one thing, traveling to work in the dark makes it much, much easier for me to sleep on the train. It'll also be nice to see what my house actually looks like during the day.

At the same time, it's beyond me why you'd think it a good idea to set clocks ahead on Sunday morning, forcing me to lose a precious hour of my weekend time (though setting the clocks back during the weekends makes perfect sense). I mean, for people who claim to want to be re-elected you certainly don't think things through.

Fortunately, I've come up with a solution which, like most things in life, is painfully obvious once you see it. You need to get to work and pass a law requiring daylight savings take effect at 4 p.m. on a Friday?

And none of that funny stuff in which you add riders allocating $14 million to a pig farm in Mississippi or $2.8 billion to study the migratory habits of the Pittsburgh Penguin, only to learn later that it's a hockey team.

Don't worry, there's no charge for the advice. But it you want more, I'll need a few million dollars tossed my way. Just add it as a rider to whatever bill you pass next and nobody will notice it.

Thanks.

Your Friend,

Joe

Hot Sauce Haiku

2009-03-03T12:43:00.004-05:00

Oh sweet Tabasco
The way you burn baby burn
Disco Inferno

Snow Tired

2009-03-02T16:22:00.004-05:00

I woke up this morning to 12 inches and...that's what she said!

But seriously. It snowed like hell out here today.

My back is killing me from shoveling out my driveway. And then I walked into the house at 5:30 a.m. to a call from the President of the region during which we decided that we were going to close the suburban offices (one of which is 5 minutes from my house) but keep the New York City offices open - which meant I had to come to work instead of going back to bed.

Insert sympathy here...

So, in summary, carrying around 12 inches is hell on one's back.

And the snow didn't help either.

Family Friday

2009-02-27T08:33:00.007-05:00

Just a quick break for some random cuteness supplied by my niece Jasmine and nephew E.J.

Yeah, we love each other now, but just wait until we're teenagers...

Never too young to rock the Yankees gear (though I hope to convert him to the Mets at some point)

I already knows how to turn on the PS3. I get that from my father...

Are you sure this is how Michelangelo got started?

And...scene!

Okay, okay. But just a few more but then I really have to get to work...

Hair Today

2009-02-25T08:00:00.003-05:00

Despite lingering economic woes, my forehead continues to pursue its aggressive expansion agenda.

Analysts believe that the forehead's success is based on it's ability to make infill acquisitions in areas that had previously been dominated by it's main competitor, the hair group, which has been hit by massive layoffs.

In response to this, I've begun shorting hair.

Get it? Shorting? It's a financial joke! Ha, ha...erm..ha.

On an unrelated note, today is Ash Wednesday so allow me to trot out my favorite old line:

Q: "What are you giving up for Lent?"
Me: "Self-denial"

And finally, for those of you who are curious, here's a post I wrote a while about about The Origin of Ash Wednesday.

Enjoy. Or don't. I really can't make you do anything, can I?

Eye Popping

2009-02-23T14:01:00.005-05:00

Did you see the Academy Awards last night? The glamor? The splendor? The unforgettable pageantry of the circle jerk that is the never ending Hollywood awards season? Did you see what he or she was wearing? Wasn't it amazing? Wasn't it awful?

It truly was a night of winners.

Erm...and even more losers.

So anyway, did you see it?

Yeah, me either.

But I did catch sight this morning of a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker - who was apparently trying to see how tight her dress had to be before her breasts popped out of the top of it - and, I must say, that's the kind of fashion that a guy can get behind.

Or in front of.

Fed-Excellent!

2009-02-18T08:17:00.005-05:00

Still more in my continuing correspondence with people looking to make me rich. This one is a response to this email.
------------------------------------------------------------
Goodday,

In respect to the package will received from Mr. Leonard Jefferson, I have been awaiting for you to contact me for the delivery of your cheque of $800,000,00 US Dollars. You can as well come down to this branch to pick up your package or even send someone to pick it up on your behalf. More so, the phone number works perfectly and I will advise you cross the number again as it is below this mail.

There is this Mr.Leonard Jefferson who came to our company last week to place your cheque on out going delivery, he already paid for the insurance fees and the delivery charges. But he did not pay for the security keeping fees due to the fact that we did not know when you will be contacting us via mail to inform us that we have your cheque, so we advised him not to pay for the security keeping fees of the courier company so far but we informed him to contact you on time so you will not have to pay more than $350.00 US Dollars on demurrage and we do not operate COD on a charge like this.

All you need to do right now to get your cheque delivered to your door step is to go ahead and pay the security keeping fee of the courier company so far.The fee is $350.00 US Dollars only, you are to come up with this fee as to process the delivery of your package.

Payment should be made via western union money transfer only for security purpose, payment details are listed below.

NAME: Mr. Benedict Osadolor
ADDRESS: #12 airport road Benin city Edo state Nigieria

You have to send down the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) and your complete postal address. Reconfirm your full name, address, country and most important your phone number.

Get back to me with your payment details, I will have to send Mr.Leonard Jefferson a mail that you have contacted me regarding the cheque he left for you. Note that your tracking number would be provided to you as soon as the payment has been made and confirmed by us.

Have a wonderful time. Please call me anytime you need any assistance.

Yours,

Mr. Daniel j Cole
Dispatch Director.
Tel: (+234)7034414665
Email:nigfedex@live.com
Email: fedexdeliveryltd@hotmail.com

P.S:Below is the display image of your package on my desk ready for instant dispatchment.

----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Cole,

I have been waiting for some time to hear back from you and I was thrilled to receive your email this morning. I have to say that it was awfully generous of Mr. Leonard Jefferson to pay the insurance fees and delivery charges in addition to giving me the money.

I have to admit that for a few moments, I thought this might be a scam. At first I wondered why you couldn't provide the tracking number to me before I wire the money for the security fees. I mean, you have the package and it's not like I'd be able to use the tracking number to do anything other than read that the package is still sitting on your (very neat!) desk. Second, why wouldn't Mr. Leonard Jefferson simply ask me for my address when he emailed me to tell me that you were holding my package? (So to speak - ha, ha)

Two things helped me overcome my doubt, though. The first was your use of the word demurrage - which I'll admit that I had to look up). Clearly you're too well educated to have to resort to grifting. The second - and most convincing - was that you sent me a picture of the actual package!

Sadly, I'm a little short on funds at the moment. I went on a shopping spree in anticipation of receiving this money which, as you can imagine, cleaned out my bank account. The lesson learned, I suppose, is that one should always hold back $350.00US Dollars for a rainy day.

Not to worry, though. I'm going to send an email to Mr. Leonard Jefferson asking him to wire me the money so that I can then turn around and wire it to you. I'm sure he'll do it since he above all others should know that I'm good for the money! As an alternative, I'll simply ask him to stop by your office to pay the $350.00 US Dollars and to issue a me new check in the amount of $799,650,00 US Dollars.

I look forward to receiving my check!

Your Friend,

Joe

P.S. which, by the way, seems awfully bulky to be holding a check. Are you sure it doesn't contain $800,000,00 US dollars in cash?

P.P.S. - You seem to have accidentally written the amount as $800,000,00 US dollars - probably as a result of being nervous at having that amount of money sitting at your desk. I've carried that error through in my response as a way of being polite, but I thought I should let you know that it should be written as $800,000 US in the event that Mr. Leonard Jefferson drops off a large check for someone else.

An Open Letter to President Obama

2009-02-13T08:44:00.004-05:00

Dear President Obama,

I read this morning that you lost your third cabinet nominee yesterday. Now I'm no political expert, but I'm thinking that you might want to be a little more careful with your nominees in the future lest you all too quickly lose your honeymoon status with the American public.

Of course, I'd hate to see that happen particularly given the wave of hope you rode into the Oval Office. That said, we can't have you misplacing cabinet nominees. I mean, not only is it embarrassing but it undermines people's confidence in you. I mean, these are people that you're losing! How can you expect us to trust you with the trillion dollars you're asking for?

Anyway, I found a website that you might find helpful as you try to find those folks. When you do, I might suggest that you have tracking devices implanted in them. I know this might seem inhumane, but you're the President and you can't risk losing them again.

Hope this helps.

Your Friend,

Joe

Ponderings

2009-02-12T08:29:00.003-05:00

Random Thursday Thoughts

I Suppose It's Preferable to Someone Who Isn't Carrying One...
Exactly how badly would you need to use the restroom before you chose to follow in behind a person who is carrying a newspaper and a can of air freshener spray?

Junk in her...bonus?
A friend of mine called the other day irate about the way her company is handling her bonus, which in general would exceed $1 million. Due to abysmal results, the bonuses were cut to $700,000 - or slightly less than my e-mail earns on a given day. which already upset her. (clearly she and I inhabit entirely different worlds)

What pushed her over the edge, though, was that the maximum cash people at her level will receive is $100,000. The rest (and I love this part) will be paid in toxic assets. The general thinking is "you helped create this so if you want to get paid you'll need to fix it."

Pretty interesting, and admirable, approach I think.

But Where's the Booty?
It's extremely windy outside today, which means building in which I work is creaking loudly. It's like trying to work into he hold of a pirate ship.

Assuming, of course, that pirate ships had HR departments.

Blotto Luck

2009-02-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

More in my continuing email correspondence with strangers who insist on trying to give me money:

--------------------------------------------------------
Your Email Won!
ESPAÑA PROMO 2009

Important Information,Please your urgent response is needed. It is a Pleasure to inform you through this medium that your email address won a prize of 450,000.00 Euro in category B'Lotto Shop Award,

Ticketnumber:67-84-501
Reference number:AD/GU888/68/06.NH
BATCH NUMBER: 15/051/IPU
LUCKY NUMBER: ES1242676578
PROMOTION DATE: 9th Feb 2009.

Your full Names:
Telephone:
Age:

For the immediate release of your funds, you are to provide the following details to our agent.

Contact Person:Mr.Frank Dorek.
Tel: +34 691 955 349
Email:chaletspl@aim.com

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs.Laura Andaluss.
------------------------------------------------------

Dear Laura,

I'm writing on behalf of my email address which, once again, seems to have stumbled into a vast sum of money. As you can imagine, it's been pretty much "Blotto" since winning £891,934.00 a few weeks back, but I had no idea that it could be so lucrative. Had I known, I would have entered myself since it seems to involve two of my favorite things: getting drunk and winning lots of money. I'm not too fond of the shopping part, but I'd be willing to make the sacrifice for the chance to win €450,000.

By the way, feel free to cut and paste the Euro symbol that I've included here in future correspondence with me and any other lucky winners so that you don't need to keep typing the word "euro."

On a side note, I have to commend my email address for choosing such a unique lucky number. Mine is '2' and I can't imagine that it would have stood a chance of winning your drawing. It just goes to show that computers are becoming smarter than people these days.

Let me also compliment you on the clever way that you have chosen to weed out the people who simply skim the email and don't comply with your instructions. I'll bet most of them send their full names, telephone, and age - which is a sure way to set themselves up for scams should a dishonest person intercept the email exchange. Instead, I will comply with your request as written which states that "For the immediate release of your funds, you are to provide the following details to our agent"

So here you go:

Contact Person:Mr.Frank Dorek.

Tel: +34 691 955 349

Email:chaletspl@aim.com

Very slick...

Finally, as the recently appointed agent for my e-mail address, I will require that you pay me 10% of the amount won, which comes to €45,000, before we continue our correspondence. Please wire the money immediately via Western Union and email me again when it is ready. Once I've received the money, I will provide you with whatever additional information required in order to ensure that my e-mail address receives the balance of its winnings.

Thanks.

Your Friend,

Joe

Random Friday Thoughts

2009-02-06T08:31:00.007-05:00

Stay tuned for updates throughout the day. Unless I get bored with this or run out of thoughts - both of which are a distinct possibilities:

It Depends on Your Definition of All-Nighter
Yesterday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid vowed to work "through the night" to find a compromise that would allow a successful vote on President Obama's proposed economic stimulus plan.

They quit at 8:30 p.m.

Hold On...The Smaller One Wins?
According to the Wall Street Journal, a bipartisan group of senators set their goal of getting the stimulus bill down to $800 billion after Senators Collins and Nelson met with President Obama and were told the package needed to be at least that large in order to give the economy a boost.

So, as usual in politics, it's all just a matter of sitting around and comparing the size of their packages.

Does This Count as a Fetish?
As I noted on Jen's blog this morning, I seem to have developed a habit lately of sitting with my hand on the cover, lost in thought for a few minutes, whenever I finish a really good book. Then when I see the same book in a store, I almost always reach out to touch it.

Erm...the book, I mean.

Perverts.

In Movies as in Life...
Roger wrote a review of The Lost Weekend last week and it made me realize what I love about movies is that there's always someone worse off than me.

Though sometimes you have to watch an awful lot of them before you find that person.

On the Bright Side, the Homeless Shelters are Well-Appointed
Sometimes I forget how expensive it is to live here and then I read something like this.

Gaining Pounds

2009-02-04T10:37:00.007-05:00

More in my continuing series of emails to strangers who insist on trying to give me money:

------------------------------------------------------------

From: Irish News Center
Subject: Congratulations Lucky Winner

Ref: UK-BTL/4910XI/04
Batch: 12/25/0304

You have won £1,350,000.00 pounds.

send the following: Name,Age,Sex,Country

Email: garland.alexander5@btinternet.com

Mrs Garland Alexander

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Alexander,

That's great news!

I can't believe this! I never win anything - especially without entering some kind of drawing or something! But I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth (erm...please don't think that I'm calling you a horse or anything. It's just an expression that we use over here) so let me give you the information that you requested:

My name is Joe. I'm a 42 year-old male and I live in the United States.

I have to say that I'm particularly happy because this will once again make me wealthier than my E-MAIL which, if you read my blog, you'll know recently won £891,934. You can only imagine how difficult it's been to live with it since then.

By the way, a Mrs. Elizabeth and a Mr. James Terry from your office also sent e-mails (to my E-MAIL (ha, ha)) notifying me that I've won the exact same amount. Would it be possible for the three of you to get together and send me just one large check (or cheque as you probably call it) for £4,000,000? (You may keep the remaining £50,000 as a tip) Frankly, it's easier for me to handle one check than three, particularly since I worry that I'll misplaces one of them. I mean, who among us hasn't had to tear up the house looking for that £1,350,000 cheque that we're sure we left on the sofa table (or whatever you call them over there)?

Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.

Your Friend,

Joe

Glory Days?

2009-02-03T09:03:00.004-05:00

I have one more thought before I return to the Open Letters to Con Artists series tomorrow.

During the opening of the halftime show, legendary rocker Bruce Springsteen urged viewers to "
step back from the guacamole" and "put your chicken fingers down" and turn the TV "all the way up..."

A few minutes later he underestimated the slickness of the stage when he did his trademark slide and wound up plowing into the camera (at about 3:43 in the video below) .

I'm guessing that anyone who hadn't stepped back from the guacamole or put the chicken fingers down by then, immediately did so at the sight of the 57 year-old man's crotch filling their television screens.

Grace in Small Things

2009-02-02T08:58:00.003-05:00

We'll get back to our regularly scheduled Open Letters to Con Artists later this week but I just want to comment on the weekend.

I've noticed certain bloggers, such as my friend Jen writing posts called "Grace in Small Things" in which they ennumerate the little things that make life worth living.

I was thinking about that on Saturday when I left my house to find near spring-like conditions as I went to get a Brazilian and a haircut...

What?

Why are you all looking at me like that?

I meant Brazilian coffee!

You people are sick...

Mail Enhancement

2009-01-30T11:30:00.007-05:00

More in my continuing series of emails to strangers who insist on trying to give me money:

------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "mich13@sympatico.ca"
To: info@winners.com
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2009 6:03:53 PM
Subject: winners

The sum of £891,934.00 pounds has won by your E-MAIL Do get back to this office with your information

Email:uknational5@btinternet.com
Names :
Address:
Conntry :
Occupation :
Age :
Sex :
Phone:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mich (c/o uknational5),

Allow me to begin by apologizing for reading a message that was clearly intended for my E-MAIL. I can't tell you how often that happens, and it's been causing quite a strain in our relationship. In order to avoid confusion in the future, it might be helpful if you were to add something along the lines of (for Joe) or (for Joe's E-MAIL) in the subject line of all future correspondence.

Anyway, I'm quite happy about my E-MAIL's good fortune. Frankly, I probably would have been a bit more envious had I not been informed yesterday that I will be receiving $800,000 once I can resolve a delivery problem with FedEx.

That said, I must confess that I have some concerns about this sudden windfall because my E-MAIL has been acting somewhat erratically lately (e.g., misplacing messages, failing to deliver my Today's Papers message from Slate until late in the day, changing its name from e-mail to the more narcissistic E-MAIL) and I'm worried that the influx of cash will push him over the edge into more destructive behavior - including some that may lead to it contracting some nasty viruses.

As an example, it just sent me an e-mail (from E-MAIL - ha, ha) telling me that it's taking the rest of the day off and won't be available this weekend because it's heading to Amsterdam.

There's going be no living with it now.

Your Friend,

Joe

P.S. I notice that you misspelled "Country" in your message. Are you sure you're not trying to "Con" me? lol

Raining Money

2009-01-29T08:30:00.003-05:00

The economy is tanking, every day there are more layoffs announced, and yet my inbox is flooded with people offering me money.

So for the next few days, I'll be sharing with you some of the emails that I've received of late along with my responses.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr Leonand
Subject: Greetings!

I have deposited the Draft of $800,000.00 with FedEx Courier Service, What you have to do now is to contact the FedEx Courier Service as soon as possible.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Leonand,

Thank you so much for your email. Good news is tough to find in these difficult economic times, and this was certainly a welcome surprise.

As you suggested, I contacted FedEx. However, they do not appear to have any record of a package being held for me. Can you perhaps provide a tracking number?

I must admit that while I'm flattered by your generosity towards me - a complete stranger - I'm a little confused that FedEx seems to have dropped the ball on this one. It's particularly troubling because they never seem to have any problem finding me when they're delivering work documents.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you and would love to take you out for a drink with some of the money you're giving me for absolultely no reason. Let me know when you're in town next and perhaps we can make arrangements.

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

Your Friend,

Joe

Happy Birthday SSC

2009-01-28T09:42:00.005-05:00

Please join me in wishing a 30th Happy Birthday to the beautiful and amazing SSC.

I know you've been a little worried about turning 30, so let me set your mind at ease. Turning 30 is nothing compared with turning 40, so enjoy the next 10 years.

But what I really want to do is offer you an old Irish toast on this special day:

May God grant you many years to live, for sure he must be knowing, the earth has angels all too few and heaven is overflowing...

Happy Birthday!

Random Thursday Thoughts

2009-01-22T08:19:00.008-05:00

Item One:
We're only a few weeks into 2009, but in my new role as a modern day Nostradamus, I thought I'd pass along to you, my faithful reader, the 2010 Mercedes GLK website so that you can order yourself one a full year before anyone else even sees it.

Item Two:
Conspiracy theorists were dealt a blow when President Obama retook the oath of office yesterday. I'm not sure how broad this was, but I heard 3-4 separate conversations yesterday in which people claimed that Chief Justice Roberts intentionally erred in giving oath in an effort to avoid legitimizing Obama's Presidency.

Item Three:
Circuit City is liquidating it's inventory as it prepares to shut down it's remaining stores. Some industry analysts point to a failed business model that saw the company attempt to save money by firing its experienced and knowledgeable sales force in favor of hiring lower-paid sales staff - which resulted in a significant drop-off in customer service. Personally, I believe it was driven by customer disappointment that the anthropomorphic electronic equipment advertised did not actually exist.

Item Four:
Apparently that flying car thing I posted last week was just a pre-election smokescreen for the
real thing which will retail for a mere $194,000. See? I promise the future was upon us and so it is.

Item Five:
Apparently the number of couch potatoes playing Wii has lead to a new bout of physical ailments called Wii knee.

Wii knee. Heh, heh, heh.

Our Nation Turns It's Lonely Eyes to...

2009-01-20T08:44:00.004-05:00

...well, Washington, D.C. apparently. Something big is apparently going on down there today. I'm shocked at how understated the whole thing has been. You'd think the media would have at least touched on it.

Kidding. Really. I promise. I made that joke this weekend and was berated by a stranger for not recognizing the historic implications of the moment. I mean, is it possible to even do that?

Meanwhile, back in New York, I'm contemplating equally weighty matters.

When reading the paper this weekend, I misread an advertisement that proclaimed "Don't Wait! Act Now!" and realized that the company that placed the ad may be missing out on the dyslexic market who may have read it as "Wait! Don't Act Now!"

Predict-O-ble

2009-01-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

So last week I wrote this post in which I referenced my disappointment with the lack of flying cars and commenting on my hopes things would change when Obama takes office next week.

Well it appears that things are already ahead of schedule.

So, in summary, it's pretty clear that this blog is the place to be this year if you want to be on the cutting edge.

Next prediction: Time travel (though I suspect that he may be saving that for the second term)

It's All About Meme

2009-01-12T16:40:00.013-05:00

A few weeks ago Grant was nice enough to respond to my request to be interviewed. Being the holiday season and all, I worried that both of my readers might be too busy to miss the ~~half-assed~~ quality answers I posted so I waited until today to post.

The meme rules:

“The only rules are that you have to link back to the original post and you have to put these rules in your post. Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.”

That said, here we go:

1. If you could change one decision in your life, what would it be?
Most of the decisions I've made have worked out okay in the end, largely due to the availability and low cost of penicillin. That said, two of my more important life lessons were (1) that self-piercing isn't the best idea in the world (suffice it to say that hot needles shouldn't be used on one's reproductive areas but if they are, Play-Doh is a surprisingly versatile prosthetic device); and (2) there are certain body parts that shouldn't be stuck to a frozen flagpole “just to see what will happen.”

In reality, my life has been surprisingly regret-free thus far - which probably speaks more to my ability to compartmentalize than it does to my decision-making skills.

2. What is the one question people never ask about your blog that you wish they did?
Frankly, I’m amazed that nobody has said “Gee, Joe, your writing is Pulitzer worthy. Why haven’t you been nominated, let alone won?” Another might be “Have people actually been blinded by your charm and charisma?” Sadly, the answer is no, though some have been temporarily blinded by the shine coming off of my ever expanding forehead (or fivehead as I’m now calling it).

But really, I’m surprised that more people don’t ask about the fact that I rarely write about anything truly personal or revealing. Even when I do, it’s often used as a set-up for some kind of punch line. It’s incredible how much you can deflect with humor.

3. Answering with pictures, who is the hottest Asian woman on the planet? (tip - if stuck for answers, google "Ebi-chan")

To be honest, I have no idea which of these would qualify as the hottest Asian woman on the planet - but had you asked me who the hottest woman on the planet is, that would be a no-brainer.

Meanwhile, consider the women above as my gift to you, Grant, for taking the time interview me. Please allow 6-8 weeks for shipping. I'll bet that sandwich that Ebi-chan is holding will come in really handy during that period.

4. What is the most inoffensive and tactful statement you can make using the words "vagina", "hurl", "thee", and "shart"?
Spell check is a wonderful tool for catching typos - like when you type "shart" when you really meant "smart" - but which shouldn't replace proofreading lest it hurl thee into a situation in which your reference to the beauty of Virginia reads as Vagina.

5. If a choir of angels came down from up on high and sang in their lilting voices that you must either give up coffee forever or brutally slay all of your office mates in bloody hand-to-hand combat, what weapon would you choose and why?

That’s a tough one. I actually like most of my co-workers...but I really love coffee.

Does it have to be an either/or thing? Can we negotiate some kind of hybrid in which they slay select co-workers in exchange for me, say, giving up coffee on Sundays?

And when I say, “giving up” I hope they understand that really means scaling back from an extra-large coffee to a large. Hopefully, God’s lawyers won’t catch that edit - and I suspect they won’t since all of the best attorneys are likely in the employ of Satan.

So there you have it. Now if you want to be interviewed go ahead and follow the rules above. If you have more questions for me, feel free to put them in the comments or to email me at jhud66@yahoo.com.

2009: Word of the Year (So Far)

2009-01-08T13:08:00.004-05:00

I love words.

Drop a word like palliative or persnickety or plethora into a conversation and I'm in heaven. And those are just the 'p' words...

Anyway, as much as I enjoy real words, sometimes made up ones are even more fun.

For example, my recent favorite is "overchicked" which, according to the always helpful Urban Dictionary is used when a not-so-good-looking guy lands a chick that's way more attractive than he is.

Erm...I could use it in a sentence, but I think the picture on the right is worth the proverbial. Note her pulchritude and his complete lack thereof.

Okay, I'll stop 'p'-ing now. Ha, Ha, Ha...ugh...sorry.

Now as much as I enjoy saying "overchicked," I can't help but to wonder why they didn't go with something like "Upchicked" or "Upchicking" both of which would give me the opportunity to ~~giggle like a schoolgirl~~ chuckle whenever I said them. I guess instead of complaining about it, I should just start making up my own random words. Either that or begin my amuse-bouche campaign anew.

On a related note, favorite "real" word at the moment is internecine. It's amazing how often you can use that in a typical work day, especially if you work in HR.

But let's hope that none of you have to actually work in HR because, let's be honest, that's when you know you've hit bottom.

2009: The Year in Review (so far)

2009-01-05T13:07:00.004-05:00

So, it's 2009.

Thus far it's suspiciously like 2008.

I have to say I'm disappointed.

No flying cars.

No Jetsons-like automated showers/dressing robots.

No lunar colonies.

I suspect that all of this will change after Obama is inugurated, though, so I'm still optimistic.

More on this later.

Weekend at Bernie's

2008-12-29T08:42:00.003-05:00

Today's Wall Street Journal has an interesting article called "The Weekend that Wall Street Died" which recaps the death of Lehman Brothers. The interactive graphic in the online edition (which I include because you don't need a subscription to access this) contains what I believe to among the best lines of the entire meltdownwwhich was apparently uttered by Goldman’s Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein to a Goldman aide who said he couldn’t take much more following weeks of market turmoil and two days of meetings with Fed officials.

“You’re getting out of a Mercedes to go to the New York Federal Reserve, you’re not getting out of a Higgins boat on Omaha Beach, so keep things in perspective”

In other news, there are only 362 shopping days until Christmas 2009 so stop reading this and get to work. The economy isn't going to fix itself, you know.

Christmas Thoughts

2008-12-24T10:58:00.005-05:00

So I'm sitting in my office on Christmas Eve because ~~I have no life~~ there's a specific project that I need to get done in time for a meeting on Monday. Id say that I feel like Bob Cratchit at the moment, but I suspect he made more money that I do.

Other than that, there isn't a lot of work to do - particularly since all of the people who are ~~smarter~~ less dedicated than me have taken today off. As a result, I'm spending part of my day tracking Santa's progress via the NORAD website. Right now he's making his way through Australia and I have to say he appears to be taking his sweet time doing so. I can only hope he's in the warm up stage because it this rate he's never going to make it.

At the same time, I'm wondering how Santa survives using what appears to be a flawed business model. He spends all year creating a massive amount of inventory and then gives it away for free. It's no wonder he encourages people to leave him cookies and milk and the like. It's probably the only food he gets all year. In fact, I'm wondering if he's really fat or if that's just a distended belly.

On an unrelated note, I also wonder how many times he gets slapped by women who misinterpred his merry "Ho, ho, ho".

The other thing that leaps to mind is that I can only imagine how annoyed he must get every time he sees a FedEx plane during his journey. I mean, if Santa can cover the entire world in one night can you imagine how much money he could have made opening a package delivery service? I'm guessing that the packages would have been far more festive as well, lending a holiday spirit to even the most mundane of missives received at the office.

Anyway, this line of thinking probably stems from my bitterness at (1) working today and (2) facing the prospect of another Christmas morning alone in an empty house. That said, things could be far worse and, all in all, it's been a very good year.

So with that in mind, Happy Holidays to all...and to all...well, you know.

Mismanaged Health Care

2008-12-15T08:45:00.000-05:00

A co-worker had a hernia operation last week, which lead to the following text message exchange:

Me: Hey. Just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing. Did everything go okay?

Him: Feel awful but will be out of the woods in a few days. Thanks for checking in.

Me: They put you in the woods after your operation? I guess you were right. Our medical plan really does suck.

Second City?

2008-12-11T14:20:00.000-05:00

This has certainly not been a banner year for New York in it's ongoing friendly competition with Chicago. It started off well enough with the New York Giants winning the Super Bowl but, let's be honest here, they play in New Jersey.

Anyway, shortly thereafter, things started to turn ugly for the state when then presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee New York Senator Hilary Clinton started losing ground and eventually the nomination to then-Illinois-Senator-and-now-President-elect Barack Obama.

Buoyed by this, both Chicago baseball teams - the Cubs and the White Sox - made the playoffs in October while the New York Mets (after a second straight disastrous collapse) and the Yankees, both of whom seemed to have taken Sen. Clinton's failure to heart - missed out.

Finally, this week we learned that the sex scandal that brought down our former Governor Eliot Spitzer now pales in comparison to the arrest of Gov. Rod Blagojevich for what U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald called a "staggering" level of corruption engaged in by the Illinois Governor including allegations that "...Blagojevich put a 'for sale' sign on the naming of a United States senator; involved himself personally in pay-to-play schemes with the urgency of a salesman meeting his annual sales target; and corruptly used his office in an effort to trample editorial voices of criticism."

This isn't all that surprising given city's long history of corrupt politics. I just wish he'd listened when I told him the rules:

1st RULE: You do not talk about how corrupt you are.
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about how corrupt you are.
3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or arrests you for a "staggering" level of corruption, the political carrer.

I know this because Tyler knows this.

Oh...wait. That was Fight Club. Sorry.

So it seems pretty clear that barring a major rally by New York City, Chicago can brag that they kicked our proverbial ass in 2008. But that's not what really saddens me.

I think that the biggest reason for my disappointment is that I was saving up to by that Senate seat for someone special as a Christmas gift.

Now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Spec-tacular

2008-12-10T15:56:00.003-05:00

Earlier this year the global financial meltdown began, taking a number of large banks with it.

Shortly thereafter, oil prices began dropping from a high of over $4 per gallon to the present price of under $2 per gallon.

So my question is this: Did the worldwide recession drive the decline in oil prices, or was the run up purely the result of speculation driven by the large trader banks and hedge funds that no longer exist?

Discuss.

Bonus topic: My utility company raised their rates earlier this year due to increasing fuel costs. As expected, this combined with a weakening economy encouraged people to decrease consumption. As a result, the utility company is now seeking a 4.8% rate increase next year and a 17.9% increase over the next five years due to two factors (1) contractual fuel purchases and (2) reduced consumption by ratepayers resulting in shortfalls in projected revenue.

So, in summary, if we use more power rates go up, but if we conserve energy...erm...rates go up.

I really need to move.

One to Grow On

2008-12-09T09:32:00.005-05:00

Despite the proliferation of technology, I still use (and am regularly mocked for using) my trusty Franklin Covey paper planner. Among other things, it allows me to look back and see exactly how long I've procrastinated the completion of certain tasks. Also, if I draw little cartoons of a little man on the right hand corner of every page and flip the pages really fast, it looks like he's running.

Anyway, every day there is a little inspirational quote on the top of the page that, I suppose, is designed to give us food for thought. Yesterday's was as follows:

"Success means we go to sleep at night knowing that our talents and abilities were used in a way that served others." - Marianne Williamson

Unfortunately, I didn't read that until this morning and so it's now completely outdated.

Yet another missed opportunity for growth...

Congratulations

2008-12-05T08:41:00.003-05:00

Congratulations to my friends Eddie and Gina who learned yesterday that their movie has been accepted at the Sundance Film Festival.

The movie is called Once More with Feeling and is a comedy about a psychiatrist who undergoes a midlife crisis and pursues his long-lost ambition of becoming a singer through karaoke. It stars Drea DeMatteo (The Sopranos), Chazz Palminteri (A Bronx Tale, The Usual Suspects), and Linda Fiorentino (The Last Seduction, Men in Black).

That's Eddie and Drea on location in Connecticut in the pics above.

Gina based the story on a wedding that they attended in which the father of the bride sang a song for his daughter - which was very touching - and then proceeded to continue singing song after song much to the chagrin of all of those in attendance.

The film makes its world premiere in Park City, Utah on Jan 19 . The New York premiere will take place in February.

I'll expect you all to go see it.

Independent films are good for the soul, you know.

Barely Breathing

2008-12-03T14:14:00.003-05:00

Erm....hey everyone.

I'm still alive.

Barely.

More to come on this later.

In the meantime I'll see if I can shake this damn malaise.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

Momma Mia

2008-11-24T11:48:00.004-05:00

Mark Cuban, billionaire and majority owner of the Dallas Mavericks, was charged by federal regulators last week of using confidential information on a stock sale to avoid more than $750,000 in losses.

The SEC alleges that he sold shares in search engine company Mamma.com after learning from the company's chief executive about plans for a new stock offering that was apt to push down the value of Cuban's shares.

So, in summary, what's happening here is that the SEC has charged Cuban with selling his own momma to make a quick buck.

Twilight...Of my Career?

2008-11-20T14:06:00.007-05:00

The blog world is atwitter - or perhaps aFacebook (get it? it's an interweb social networking joke!) as the apparently anxiously awaited premiere of Twilight. I haven't seen this many people excited about a movie since...well...Sex and the City earlier this year.

Now I know nothing about the books or the movie (knowing nothing seems to be a theme of mine this week), but just for fun I decided to print out a list of quotes and sprinkle them throughout my conversations today.

Here's what I've been able to work in so far:

"Your skin is pale white...and ice cold." - To a co-worker as we rode the elevator this morning

“There was no image violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment” - To someone who asked how my evening was.

“Hating her, hating how she made me feel – it helped a little.” - To my assistant when she asked how my meeting with our COO went.

“You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you.” - Included in a draft of a written warning that I sent to a manager for review

“So, is the new one afraid of us yet?” - Asked of a manager about an employee we hired a few months ago.

"If I could dream at all it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it." - To Phil - one of our Managing Directors - as I walked into a meeting.

“I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart - I've left it with you.” - To Phil as I left to get a cup of coffee before the meeting began.

“Here’s the thing… I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are.” - In response to a question about why we chose to take action A instead of action B to resolve an issue.

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her.” - To a Manager who asked for advice on dealing with a difficult employee

“If you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I'll cheerfully beat you to death” - To the same manager as we discussed some confidential information

“You are the most dangerous creature I've ever met” - To my boss as she explained a recent department reorganization

“I'm really glad Edward didn't kill you. Everything's so much more fun when you're around.” - To an employee that just returned from disability leave.

Anyway, what I've found most interesting about this exercise thus far is that people aren't looking at me any more quizzically than usual.

An Open Letter to World of Warcraft Fans

2008-11-19T09:22:00.006-05:00

Dear WoW Fans,

Let me begin by saying that I've never played this particular game, so it came as a surprise to me when I saw people lining up outside of Best Buy in freezing temperatures last week in anticipation of the release that evening of something called World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lych King. My curiosity was such that I began my workday with a few minutes of research to learn what the fuss was all about. I know this has many of you – or at least those if you who have been able to tear yourself away from the game long enough to read this – looking down at me for not possessing what is probably fairly common knowledge, but in my defense you should know that I possess almost no knowledge of anything.

The website was almost no help with its narrative that began with “It has been five years since the heir apparent to the throne of Lordaeron disappeared into the frozen wastes of Northrend...” and continued spouting some additional Lord-of-the-Rings-esque babble before concluding with “...Soon the world will learn what it means to incur the wrath of its one true king...” which I took to mean that Grant had hacked the site and revealed his intentions to the unsuspecting public.

But I digress. Further research revealed that WoW (as it’s known) is massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) run by a company that charges the 11 million or so subscribers $14.95 per month to trek around it’s fake world. Add to that the cost of the game itself as well as the two add-on packs and, well, let’s just say that it makes my get rich quick scheme look foolish by comparison.

Anyway, I digress yet again. The point of this letter is not to tell you about a game that you've already undoubtedly squandered untold hours of your life playing, but to tell you about another MMRPG called “real-life” (RL). You’d love it. There are all kinds of evil to battle, billions of people to meet, and riches to be earned and spent however you see fit. The best part is that you don’t even need to buy expansion packs to experience more of it. And the level of detail is amazing – far better than anything you've seen before no matter how powerful your graphics card may be.

Once you leave the WoW and experience RL you’ll never go back. Instead of spending days in front of your computer, you’ll be…what’s that word again? Mobile. In fact, you may even find yourself wanting to share your experiences. You'll create a Facebook account and before you know it you'll have a vast on-line social network! You'll then start a blog to tell people all about the things you've done - and you'll meet tons of "virtual friends." Before you know if you'll be spending most of your time on-line trying to keep up with all of your new friends and....

Hold on, I think I see a flaw in my logic.

Never mind. Get back to your game.

Your Friend,

Joe

Monday Blogservations

2008-11-10T12:32:00.003-05:00

Everything Old is New Again
Was I the only one a little freaked out by CNN's Wolf Blitzer in his New York command center flashing back to to standing 10 paces away from a 3-D rendering of a reporter? CNN projects Jessica Yellin into the studio just 31 years after Princess Leia and R2D2 teamed up to send holographic messages in Star Wars. Since that movie supposedly took place a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away isn't the technology severely outdated by now? I mean, shouldn't we have holographic televisions and flying cars by now?

We have a bid of $100 million from the an anthropomorphic cartoon cheetah in the back row
On a day in which we took a huge step forward and several steps back, Massachusetts voted to decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana. Now the bidding to become the official state munchie can begin in earnest.

We're Hoping to Avoid Bankruptcy So We Can Afford to Hire People to Proofread our Copy
Electronic retailer Circuit City which filed for bankruptcy today, is apparently hanging it's hopes on a new price pledge campaign. The commercial is bad enough on general principles alone, but the actress actually uses the phrase "...whole 'nother price", conveniently ignoring the fact that there no such word as "nother."

We Have No Budget but Hopefully Nobody Will Notice
Jan Terry's video for her 1994 song "Journey to Mars" is my new Favorite. Video. Ever. Clearly it's the campiest video of all time. Pay special attention to the out-of-focus camera shots, the clever use of the monorail as the spaceship stand-in, the futuristic communications device, and the catchy "Beam Me Up Scotty!" sex-kitten chorus.

And the Academy Award for Overexposure Goes to...
Apparently Elizabeth Banks will fall just short of her goal of appearing in every single movie, television show, or webisode released for this year. It wasn't for lack of effort, though. As evidence, you can see her in the movies Role Models, W., Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Lovely, Still, Meet Dave, and Definitely, Maybe and the TV mini-series Comanche Moon. If that's not enough, you can also catch her in web-series Wainy Days and you can hear her voice overs in several episodes of American Dad. Sorry, Elizabeth. Better luck next year.

My 15 Minutes Have Arrived, Yet Wealth Remains as Elusive as Ever
Thanks to GreenJello I've had one of my quotes featured on Blogtations, which advertises itself as "a place to collect the funny, inspirational, thought-provoking things shared on blogs every day." Well, there's all of that and then there's me.

That's Rich

2008-11-06T11:13:00.001-05:00

I've figured out how get rich even in these tough economic times.

I'm going to give people a penny for their thoughts and in return they'll give me their two cents.

My dream of becoming a billionaire is only 100,000,000,000 transactions away!

Beautiful Day

2008-11-05T12:33:00.003-05:00

America changed for the better last night, that much is certain.

Of course, that's based on the supposition that he's a man of his word. That his promises weren't simply rhetoric spewed in the heat of battle but were an iron-clad pact with the American people who want and need so badly to believe him.

But I believe in the man we elected last night. I think he has the wisdom and level head necessary to lead us to greatness once again; To heal the rifts that have torn us asunder; To restore hope and pride to our lexicon.

Yes, a new day has dawned America. A better day.

And as proof I submit that fact that Stephen Baldwin has promised to leave the country.

The Month in Pictures:

2008-11-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

Random End-Of-Month Thoughts:

It's a measure of my maturity - or lack thereof - that my favorite part of the day on Friday was calling people "Halloweenies"

Spent part of Saturday at my sister's new house helping my brother-in-law tear down paneling...and you thought your life was boring?!?

The holiday skating rink is up at Bryant Park and the shops and restaurant will open shortly - the first

Ran 5 miles again yesterday and it was (slightly) easier than last week. In contrast, my friend finished yesterday's NYC marathon in 3 hours 48 minutes, or an average of about 8:48 per mile, so I'm not all that proud of running 1/5 as far at roughly the same rate.

I've volunteered again to assist at the Starlight Starbright Celebrity Sports Auction at Madison Square Garden this evening. It's one of my favorite events and the kids are too adorable.

Anyway, let's move on to the MiP:

Desperate for to make up ground as the Presidential race winds down, Sen. McCain has resorted to following Sen. Obama around making faces behind his back.

Meanwhile, an overconfident Sen. Obama has begun traveling around the country posting to show exactly how he'd like the eventual statues of him to look.

Officials in Southern California believe they've hit on an ingenious plan to end the traffic jams by incenting people to drive more quickly.

Shooting began on the remake of Field of Dreams in which deceased soccer stars Ferenc Puskas, Stanley Matthews, and Lev Yashin emerge from the fog into the back yard of an American man who has no idea who they are. By the end of the movie, he still has no idea who they are.

Police are on the lookout for a wild pumpkin that has been blamed in the deaths of several small dogs.

The Royal Cat Competition ended this week with the traditional "Best Mouser" competition.

A man was fired from his job after he misunderstood a phrase in a planning meeting and spent his entire departmental budget creating low hanging fruit.

Rumor has it that Madonna's marriage first hit the rocks when she opened her legs and one of her dancers fell out.

The 2009 Bank Robber fashion show featured daring designs for the discriminating thief.

Continuing the time-honored tradition of troubled celebrity offspring two Muppet children were arrested this week on drug possession charges.

The animal porn industry is bracing for a killer weekend at the box office with the release of two expected blockbusters: "Eat my Nuts"...

...and Peter, Peter Pumpkin ****er.

An inventor has created a hat that indicates the relative temperature. As soon as he's able to correct a few spelling errors and it'll be ready for production.

And finally, God announced today that He is scrapping His broad-based communication strategy in favor of more targeted messages.d

An Open Letter to my Mortgage Company

2008-10-29T11:41:00.001-04:00

Dear Mortgage Holder,

Allow me to extend my sympathies for your recent financial woes. I recognize that you've incurred the wrath of...well...pretty much the entire world for your role in the current economic meltdown, but

Believe me, I know the feeling. I mean, who among us hasn't woken up after a drunken night of investing assets in mortgage backed securities backed by questionable loans made to dishonest applicants by predatory lenders to learn that not only did we have a killer hangover, but that we’ve imperiled the global economy? Boy, if I had a dollar for every time that happened to me I would have been able to fund the buyout myself! (lol)

But I digress. The point of this letter is that the bailout package approved by the government will wind up costing each working American somewhere in the neighborhood of $4,635. Now this is supposed to be a loan, but we both know that the odds are against us ever seeing that money again. Let's be honest, right about now I trust you to do that as much as I'd trust a meth-head with my debit card and PIN (and believe me...that's a mistake I'll never make again).

Anyway, I've decided to recoup my share of the bailout money by not making one-and-a-half of my monthly mortgage payments. Rest assured that I'm not refusing to pay nor am I defaulting in any way. In fact, I will make those payments to you as soon as you repay the government. After all, fair is fair. Meanwhile, think of this as an interest free loan from you to me.

As an alternative, you may also elect to take repayment in the form of options to purchase non-voting stock in my blog. Sure its worthless now, but if this thing takes off you may get rich! Of course if that ever happens I'll just hire lobbyists to convince you to not exercise said options - but I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Meanwhile, my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Your Friend,

Joe

Not Very Politic

2008-10-23T16:54:00.004-04:00

The other day Crys called the blog world to task for the plethora of political posts (though, fortunately, not for an abundance of alliteration). Being guilty of writing just such a post the other day, I thought I'd write about things that interest her. Fortunately for me, she was kind enough to provide the topics for discussion when she wrote "Wouldn't you rather talk about boobies? Sex? The Mysterious And Potentially Real Yeti? How about life on other planets? Because that shit intrigues me."

Why yes, Crys. I would love to talk about those things.

Boobies - Three words: I. Love. Them.

Unless they're on a man, of course. Otherwise, I'm a huge fan. I mean, what's not to love? They're pure, unadulterated fun for men of all ages. I do, however, seem to lack Grant's refined taste (for further details see pretty much every comment Grant writes) in these matters as I have no size restrictions. Frankly, I'm just happy whenever I see 'em.

Sex - What a coincidence. I love this too! As is the case with Boobies, I'm a huge fan. I even hope to one day experience it again!

The Mysterious and Potentially Real Yeti - First, it would be excellent if Yeti were found to actually exist. Of course, it would likely be only a matter of time before we messed with them to the point that they were either extinct or otherwise endangered. As for their likes and dislikes, I'd like to think that they, too, are in favor of boobies and sex.

I also believe that The Mysterious and Potentially Real Yeti would be a great name for a band. I can almost see the MaPRY t-shirts now.

Life on Other Planets - I have a theory that other planets are populated solely by Yetis and that the females spend all of their time fending off the advances of males asking to (1) see their boobies and (2) have sex with them.

So, in summary, I have to get back to work now.

Yoga Bear

2008-10-21T12:27:00.001-04:00

As some of you know, I recently decided to shake off my sloth and begin exercising again. After barely being able to gasp my way to the one mile mark when I began running, I’m now able to complete just over 4 miles. In response, my body - which had become accustomed to evenings spent laying on the couch downing my usual diet of fried food, chips, and iced tea – has begun to rebel. Not only have I developed a mysterious, sharp pain in my left ankle that hurts when I walk but not when I run, but my muscles have begun practicing for rigor mortis as I sleep making the first few steps each morning an excruciating experience.

Eventually, I had enough. If my muscles wanted to cause me pain, I thought, then I'd do the same to them. And so began my involvement with Yoga. For those of you unfamiliar with the practice, the word Yoga is Sanskrit and it derives from screams of beginning practitioners, which sound something like this:

“YOW-OH-GOD-AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

And that's pretty much it. From the Sun Salutations (Sanskrit for “Son of a B*tch!”) to the
Awkward Chair pose to the exercises to build my stomach and back muscles there is one overriding theme:

EVERY. SINGLE. THING. HURTS.

Much like natural childbirth, they tell you that concentrating on your breathing will remove blocks and lessen the pain and from what I gather, much like childbirth, they're lying.

In fact, the only things that I don't mind are the gentle stretches I do after the ab work to remind my muscles that this is the most I'll ever exert them once they start acting right, and the Corpse pose that concludes each session.

On a side note, that particular pose seemed familiar but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why - until I realized that it's the position in which 99.9% of the women I've slept with have remained during the entire ordeal.

Anyway, I suppose that if I persevere, I'll eventually become as strong and supple as Dr. Lan Phan, who is featured in the picture at the top of this post doing a pose that she calls "Praying for Grant to Visit" and that I call "Something I'll Never Be Able to Do."

Erm...the pose I mean - not actually waiting for Grant.

So, in conclusion I say Namaste to people who are able to stick with this Yoga thing.

Now where did I put those chips?

This Just In...

2008-10-17T15:32:00.005-04:00

Vicodin has surpassed happiness as the best medicine.

Other random thoughts for the day (proving that I do sometimes think about things other than jokes):

It appears that most of America has mistaken the stock market for the economy. Market fluctuations are based on people betting on a crystal ball and aren't indicative of the underlying fundamentals of the economy. If I remember my college economics correctly, the economy is in decent shape - though the growing national debt portends issues down the road, particularly if other countries such as China are no longer willing to lend us money at some point.

As positive as the current polls look for Obama, I can't help but to wonder about the Bradley effect, which is generally thought to be about six points - well within the margin of his projected lead in many polls. I think that the comparison between the pre-election polls, the exit polls, and the actual results will provide an interesting study as to how far we've come as a country.

Speaking of the election, there is an excellent article in Slate about the voter fraud controversy that everyone should read. Not that there will be a quiz on it or anything...

And a final note on that topic, I've heard more people spreading disinformation this election season than ever before. For the most part is seems a matter of ignorance rather than malice, but if you're going to vote you should know the facts. As Alice correctly points out, there are sites such as PolitiFact that separate the truth from the lies and can help you make your own decisions.

Everyone is excited about the price of gas dropping below $4 a gallon, but 18 months ago we would have been outraged at the prices we're paying now. That said, it's encouraged conservation so it's not a bad thing (despite the fact that record profits are still being reaped by oil companies - and that the high prices have diminished any desire they may have had to pursue alternative energy sources).

Okay, that's enough for now.

I had to get that off of my chest, but as a service to y'all I posted it on a Friday when there are even fewer readers than usual.

An Open Letter to Celebrities

2008-10-16T15:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Celebrities,

Despite the fact that the island of Manhattan is crawling with the likes of you we have been able to pass the vast majority of our time on this island blissfully unaware of each other's presence. This week, however, you seem to have made it your mission to stalk me wherever I go.

When I nearly collided with Colin Farrell on 54^th Street on Tuesday, I thought nothing of it other than briefly considering turning back to kick his ass for for breaking poor Rosario Dawson's heart a few years ago. Unfortunately, I had a meeting to attend so I left that for another day.

Then yesterday morning I feared that my prior night's bout with insomnia had caused hallucinations when on the the far corner of 43^rd Street I saw hyper-annoying fitness personality Richard Simmons emerge from the midst of a group of people who were inexplicably dressed as crash test dummies. Unfortunately, I wasn't that lucky and it turned out to be him. Oblivious to the truck that was patiently waiting for him as he ignored the "Don't Walk" sign, he stood in the middle of the road and shouted "COME ON, CHEER UP EVERYONE! IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY!" at us while we prayed that the "Don't Walk" sign would change. Still oblivious to the emerging pattern, I simply thought about how badly I wanted to punch him in the face.

The proverbial penny didn't drop until I left my company's Fall Sales Meeting yesterday and observed Mark Wahlberg making his way down 49^th Street. When I got to the corner I came upon a group of our (male) Associates giggling like schoolgirls because they claimed he said "What's up?" to them - but I now suspect that he'd ingratiating himself to obtain information on my whereabouts.

Apparently, he passed that knowledge on to Elliott Gould who spied me as I walked through Grand Central Station and who, in turn, relayed to Keira Knightley that I was heading downtown. When I saw her that afternoon she was on her cell phone, no doubt passing along my whereabouts to the rest of the celebrity world.

Now I recognize that this signifies that my blog has officially "blown up" - which is no surprise since people have been telling me for years that my blog blows - and given me superstar status, but frankly it's gotten annoying.

My desire for privacy isn't all that dissimilar that which a few of you demonstrated by obtaining restraining orders on me simply because I followed you home spent the night shouting "We're meant to be together!" at your bedroom window. (I'm talking to you Shakira, Halle Berry, Marisa Tomei, and the 20-30 others whom the court-ordered confidentiality agreements prevent me from naming.)

Anyway, all I want is to be left alone to practice my craft. Is that too much to ask? If you feel the need to contact me, do what almost nobody else does - comment on the blog and I'll do my best to respond to you there.

Sincerely your friend,

Joe

Rejection Pile

2008-10-13T08:16:00.012-04:00

From time to time I drop random thoughts into my blog drafts with the intent of one day going back and expanding on them, but more often than not, I just delete them. Want to know why? Here are a few examples:

Example 1
I remember the time I totally misunderstood the meaning of "Toys for Tots." I dropped off my new, unwrapped gift and...well...let's just say that baby's mother was pretty angry no matter how many times I explained that I thought it was an exchange program.

Example 2:
Snow White was feeling sleepy. Rumor has it that the other six dwarfs were up all night listening to the two of them go at it.¹

Example 3:
Vice Presidential Candidate Gov. Palin often cites foreign policy experience based on Alaska's proximity to Russia. I like that line of thinking and have decided to adopt it to expand my areas of expertise. I now consider myself a Financial Expert because I sometimes go my bank and "Michelin Three-Star Chef" because I occasionally walk by Le Bernardin.

Based on what I accidentally glimpsed from my bedroom window last night, I'm also now an expert on having sex with my neighbor's wife.

But I can't see how I can possibly put that on my resume.

---------------------------------
¹Thanks to PracticallyJoe, Deidre, and GreenJello for correcting my Snow White / Cinderella gaffe. Clearly I wasn't paying attention when we covered that in school. And also I'm not that bright.

How to Loathe Yourself in One Day

2008-10-09T08:16:00.004-04:00

I'd hate to have your job.
I hate my job, too sometimes...

Layoffs are the bane of any HR professional's existence. It's a dirty, ugly, and thankless part of the job that makes you want to go home and shower until your skin is raw and then get drunk in the hopes of forgetting the role you've played in ruining people's lives.

I don't know how you do it.
Neither do I.

It doesn't matter if it impacts a handful of people or a sizable portion of your workforce. These are people you see and speak with every day. You know their stories like you know your own. You've chatted about their families and friends and vacations. You know how they spend their weekends and what their plans are for the future. These are people that you genuinely like and that you greatly enjoy working with. They've confided in you work challenges and who have

I couldn't sleep at night if I had to do what you do.
What makes you think I'm able to sleep?

A sizable portion of the people you speak with cry when you tell them. Some do it quietly, allowing the tears to stream down their face. Others sob uncontrollable. The worst discussions are like bad breakups. "Why me?" they ask. "I'll do anything. I'll take a pay cut. Just please don't do this." they plead. Each word is like a knife in the chest. You don't feel sorry for yourself - after all, you'll still have a job tomorrow - but your heart breaks for them.

I guess you get used to it after so many years but...
No, you don't.

What Not to Wear

2008-10-07T15:08:00.006-04:00

I was jogging the other day as part of my goal of working my way up to completing a 10 mile run when I suddenly remembered a story about a friend of mine who was training for a marathon.

As you may be aware, most marathon runners tape their nipples before the race since failure to do so results in chafing and bleeding. My friend was no exception - and he apparently favored round band aids during his training runs.

The reason we know this is because one day he returned from his run and instead of showering right away, he decided to strip off his shirt have a beer with us while he cooled down.

However, in his haste to imbibe, he neglected to remove his band aids and thus his impossible-to-shake nickname of "Pasties" was born.

Bogged Down

2008-10-02T08:50:00.010-04:00

Sure other blogs have nicer templates, and more appealing themes, and significantly better writing, and...

Hold on, I've forgotten where I was going with this. Oh, right. With all of those things in mind, why would anyone come here?

Two words, my friends: Personalized Service

By way of example, just last week, famed artist and author of the popular Stepping Over the Junk blog read my Week in Pictures post and commented "I totally want to stand in a bog of cranberries. "

Well, I'm pleased to announce that after days of tense and protracted negotiations between the Cup O'Joe editorial staff and the good people at Ocean Spray we've devised a way to make her dream come true.

But then we got to thinking: who knows how many other readers share that cranberry-bog fantasy? So back to the negotiating table we went and we were able to convince them to add this for those folks on the West Coast; a special "Patriot Place Bog" on October 25 - 26 at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA; and free-standing bog exhibits at select Kroger grocery stores in Ohio and Kentucky in October and November. Finally, blog readers who shop at other Kroger local banners in the western United States - including Fred Meyer, Fry's, King Soopers and Ralphs supermarkets - will have the opportunity to learn about the taste, health, and heritage of the cranberry from the wonderberry experts and sample Craisins^(R) 100-Calorie Packs.

Now I ask you, what other blog offers that level of dedication and devotion to its readers?

Cough Drop-lets

2008-09-30T14:23:00.006-04:00

As I hastily downed my breakfast this morning -- yogurt with granola if you must know -- I paused for a much needed jolt of caffeine. I had raised the cup to my lips and was allowing the beverage wind its way down my throat and eventually into my bloodstream...when some of it decided to take a detour into my windpipe, presumably to see what was happening in my lungs. The resulting coughing fit probably wouldn't have been a problem had I possessed the foresight to lower the cup before launching into it.

The resulting blowback splattered coffee all over my office, including on my computer monitor, my keyboard, the papers on my desk and most disturbingly, on my freshly laundered shirt and tie.

As I grabbed baby wipes from my assistant's desk and began scrubbing my shirt and tie before heading off to a meeting looking like I'd showered with my clothes on, I reflected on three things:
1. I really should keep a backup shirt and a selection of ties in an empty drawer in my office.

2. For the remainder of the day I would carry the aroma of baby wipes and freshly brewed coffee, thereby making me irresistibly appealing to any exhausted women who happen to have infants at home.

3. The next time I need a caffeine fix, I need to make sure to specify that I want coffee as opposed to coughee.

Week in Pictures: Shades of Grey Edition

2008-09-25T17:22:00.000-04:00

Random Thoughts:

What was I thinking when I joined an autumn softball league - particularly one that plays weeknight doubleheaders that begin at 9 p.m.? By the second game, the bats are so cold that it hurts to hit. Even worse, by the time the games are over, it's too cold and too late to drink.

$700 billion is an awful lot of money. I hope our great-grandchildren can afford it.

For many reasons, I'm not at my best today so I apologize in advance for a less-than-stellar WiP.

But let's move on to it regardless:

What looked to be an epic battle between Jedi and Empire forces turned into a huge disappointment when neither side could adequately manage their new long-range light sabers.

Ocean Spray is sponsoring a Chinese dance troupe's world tour on the express condition that they stage all of their performances in cranberry bogs.

The late Freddy Mercury, former lead singer of Queen, was successfully reanimated via a stunning new medical procedure involving synthetic blood and Lego blocks.

Moses thrilled spectators this weekend by holding back a wall of water for an astounding 72 hours.

New 3-D sonograms allow parents-to-be to more effectively bond with their unborn children.

In sports, Jakkrit Punthong of Thailand missed out on a chance to win the long-jump when a jealous rival tripped him just prior to takeoff.

Meanwhile, New York Met fans have begun jumping from the bleachers as they watch their team's second annual September end-of-season collapse.

Advertisement: Ladies - Wondering what to get the man in your life for the holidays this year?

Speaking of effective advertising, I saw these on eBay and ordered a set. Imagine my surprise when all I received was a pair of beer steins.

HA HA HA HA...ha. Erm...sorry.

Production began this week on the Goth version of the Wizard of Oz.

HDTV is already in danger of becoming obsolete with the development of new TVs that come with built-in actors.

A local couple divorced last week after the husband went outside to paint the house and discovered that his wife had effectively bankrupted them by buying shoes and hiding them from him.

Britney Spears took home three awards at the MTV Video Music Awards ceremony, continuing her comeback...

From her failed marriage to Kevin Federline.

Kim Kardashian was forced to withdraw from Dancing with the Stars when her partner completely tore his groin muscles while trying to spread his legs wide enough to fit around her ass.

Power-Aid

2008-09-22T14:30:00.003-04:00

I decided this weekend to become serious about reducing my carbon footprint in an effort to leave the world a slightly better place than when I entered it.

Of course, I could accomplish the same goal by being nice to people and donating my spare time to volunteer work and things of that nature but frankly, that seems like those things would require a lot of effort.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but no such handy analogy exists for calculaing the size of one's carbon footprint. Fortunately, I stumbled across a site called, obviously enough, Carbonfootprint.com, where after answering a set of simple questions, I received my answer.

Uh, oh. Well, you know what they say about guys with big carbon footprints, right?

Right?

What do you mean they pollute a lot? I thought it meant something totally different.

Anyway, according to the site, I can buy credits for things like the Clean Energy Fund for just £150.37 ($277 US), Reforestation in Kenya from £178.50 ($329 US), or UK Tree Planting from £257.25 ($474 US). .

But I'm not made of pounds and, well, actually I suppose that I am - and far too many of them these days...but the bigger issue is that I'd then have to offset the paper used to write the check and make the pen or, if I did it electronically, the energy used to power the computers used to process the transaction. Then I'd have to go back to the calculator to figure all of that out thus using more energy and, well, you can see where all of this is going.

Clearly I needed a better solution - which I found by using the EPA's Power Profiler which
revealed to me that the average air emissions rates in my home region of the power grid to the are at or above the national average while those of my office region are below the national averages. Which got me to thinking. I already get free breakfast and lunch at work, so why shouldn't I get my electricity there, too?

When I leave work this evening, I'm going to plug a few extension cords into various empty outlets in my office building and then I'll run those cords to my house and use them for all of my electrical needs, thus capturing the benefits of cleaner power while eliminating my electric bill, and reducing the size of my carbon footprint. Everyone wins (except my employer).

Frankly, I don't know what Al Gore has everyone complaining about. This carbon neutral thing is actually pretty easy.

Good Vibrations

2008-09-17T09:00:00.006-04:00

As a general rule I try not to get wrapped up in ego, but after reading Trixie's post recently I can't help but wonder about women and their toys.

Let's say you're a typical man (assuming there is such a thing). You're likely reasonably confident in your bedroom skills (deservedly so or not) and wouldn't necessarily mind the occasional prop ~~inserted~~ thrown into the mix. But when does it cross the line between enhancing the experience and becoming the experience?

I mean, even the most self-confident man couldn't help but to question his skills when foreplay starts to consist you bringing him into the bedroom, turning on adult movie, firing up the laptop and navigating to a porn site, emptying out your Santa Claus-sized bag of gadgets and strapping equipment to every part of your body, and asking me him to help plug everything into the set of eight daisy-chained power strips conveniently placed next to the bed before finally tossing in q casual "Oh, by the way, would you mind connecting this set of booster cables to the car battery in the corner and trotting off to the kitchen to make me a snack while I get started?"

Of course, most men will do anything that holds the promise of sex as a reward, so off he goes into the kitchen. Before he knows it the lights in the house go dim and she's screaming like she's being water-boarded while forced at gunpoint to watch "The Love Guru." By the time he makes it back to the room she's snoring peacefully with a contented smile on her face as smoke pours from the overtaxed wall outlet. Meanwhile, he's left with an uneaten sandwich to nibble on as he crawls around the room in search of the pieces of his now shattered ego.

Erm...I'm just speaking hypothetically, of course.

Can't Stress Enough

2008-09-15T08:40:00.007-04:00

Finding myself with a few extra minutes to spare during my trip home on Friday evening I decided to amuse myself by taking a free stress test. For those of who haven't seen this before, these stress tests are offered by Scientologists who are so committed to the cause that they're willing to do things like...well..sit in a filthy subway station and give people stress tests.

The test is simple, really. It consists of gripping two metal cans while the "auditor" asks you a series of questions while carefully watching the dials on the front of the machine for any indications of rising stress levels. The whole thing looks like something out of a 1950's B movie.

As you would expect, there were more than a few "spikes" during the questioning - which lead the auditor into a deeper discussion about what could possibly be causing me stress. He asked about my home life, my job, my relationships. In return, I half-listened while idly wondering if it could be due to:

The steaminess of the subway station which had allowed the evolution of a strain of human sized bacteria that was at that very moment mutating its way over towards me.

The insane homeless man that I'd seen exposing himself as he told passersby that his genitalia was the only true road to salvation and who had been leaning over my shoulder for the entire test, repeatedly whispering in my ear "Those Scientologists are crazy, man. Let go of the cans before they steal your mind, too."

The sudden realization that my feet are resting in a heretofore unnoticed puddle of urine, possibly placing me at risk of electrocution.

And as he suavely moved into his sales pitch for a copy of "Dianetics", which he claimed would change my life, for the small "suggested donation" of $8, I realized that it was none of those things. Instead, it was the near paralyzing fear that this could be the first step in a lifetime of handing over my life savings in return for training that, if completely successful, would turn me into a taller but dramatically less well coiffed version of Tom Cruise.

And, let's be honest here. Nobody wants that - even if it does come with the power to command $20 million per film along with the right to lobotomize, marry, and impregnate the Hollywood starlet of your choice.

Still, it would better than becoming the next John Travolta or Kirstie Allie - both of whom have apparently only reaching the level that allows them to eat non-believers.

9/11 and Whatnot

2008-09-11T13:41:00.004-04:00

9/11 has rolled around again and NYC is a sad place to be. In some ways it seems like just yesterday. In others it seems like a lifetime ago. It's been seven years and I still find myself unable to read stories or watch anything having to do with the events of that day - choosing denial over re-living the past.

We do what we do, I suppose. We just do what we do.

Anyway, on a happier note, I’m back from vacation and finally have a few moments to blog. Let me begin by thanking Grant for keeping the place neat and orderly in my absence. That being said, you’d think he would have done a little much needed maintenance while he was blog-sitting. I wasn't looking for much - perhaps a new blog template and maybe editing and re-writing of every one of my blog posts to make them insightful, witty, and/or entertaining.

Oh well.

My trip to SoCal to see SSC and the boys was amazing. Among the too-numerous-to-list highlights were taking RR to his first day of school; attending his first soccer match; family outings to Disneyland, Wild Rivers, Chuck E. Cheese, and SeaWorld; eating at nearly every all-you-can eat restaurant in the area; daily Scrabble challenges; and SSC going all out for my birthday including a delicious breakfast, a massage, allowing me to watch football, and arranging a quiet dinner with just the two of us.

I was really proud of RR when he held his own on the roller coaster-type rides and during his soccer match despite having only attended one practice due to some communication issues. I also discovered that it’s impossible for me to sit down and simply observe as he plays. Instead I'm compelled to pace the sideline as I try to keep from yelling instructions to him.

As for four-year-old Choo Choo, well, he hasn't changed a bit. After going down the slide at Splash Mountain with him clinging to me the entire way, I looked over to make sure that he was okay, fully expecting to see a terrified look on his face. Instead, he looked up at me, smiled and said “That was awesome!” Then, a few days later he asked me to take him to the 'cuzzi (as he calls it) at Wild Rivers. As I chatted with Sean while SSC and Sean’s wife Shelly were off doing whatever it is that women do while they’re hanging out together, I saw Choo speaking with a man on the other side of the Jacuzzi. Concerned, I called him over and asked him what he was talking about - to which he replied

“I asked him ‘Does Queen beat Jack?’”

I was at a loss for words. I mean, how can you criticize a four-year-old for trying to learn poker?

And what can I say about SSC? Well, I could fill a book and not even begin to tell you how wonderful she is.

Finally, I've noticed that the word “whatnot” seems to be growing in popularity. After a lifetime of rarely hearing that word, I must hear it 50 times a week. I have no problem with that, but if we’re going to resurrect words, I’d prefer that we start using 1940's slang words like "ossified" or "jalopy". In fact, I think I’ll write one of my upcoming posts using nothing but 1940's slang, (which should make it more unreadable than usual).

Okay, that’s all for now. Get back to work.

Back...from the Future

2008-09-03T09:59:00.009-04:00

Yes, I'm away on vacation but through the magic of technology, I have several blog entries that I wrote and - via the Time Machine (TM^TM) that I invented and trademarked - posted in the future.

Now before you get too impressed, you should know that my brilliance at having created the aforementioned TM^TM is more than offset by a few things:

(1) I destroyed the TM^TM plans so no evildoers could get their hands on it.

(2) In order to conceal the TM^TM, I designed it to look like a dumpster. Now I forgot where I parked it. Like a modern day Quantum Leap, I keep jumping into dumpsters hoping that the next jump will lead me to my time machine. So far I've only succeeded in angering homeless people and rats.

(3) I can't rebuilt it because...well....see item 1 so I won't be able to amass wealth beyond my wildest dreams.

(3) I forgot to grab copies of the daily papers, which would have enabled me to amass wealth beyond my more modest dreams through (a) betting on sporting events and (b) becoming a network news pundit.

That being said, it was interesting and somewhat disappointing to learn that life a week from today (And by that I mean today my time, which refers to August 25, 2008, the date this was written.) is almost exactly as it is today. There are no flying cars. People are still wandering around with iPhones and iPods. Fashions are almost exactly the same.

Really the only major difference between now (my time) and now (your time) was the astounding revelation that...well....I suppose I don't have to tell you what it was. By now it's been all over the news for days, but let's be honest. Who didn't see that one coming?

Random Thursday Thoughts

2008-08-28T09:37:00.004-04:00

I'm heading out on vacation tomorrow to spend some much needed time with the lovely SSC and the boys. I'll be back on September 9 - unless I decide to post something while I'm away. In which case, I'll still be back on September 9, but will have posted something while I was away.

Just a few quick thoughts before I leave:

Based on the nightly noise levels in my neighborhood, there appear to be roughly 6.8 billion crickets living within 1/4 mile of my house. The noise is so omnipresent that you don't notice it after a while. Then when it stops for a minute and starts again all you can think is "Damn, that's loud!" Then I think "I could use a beer." and I drink until the cricket sounds fade away.

One of my rivals in the Bloggers Den fantasy football league (in which the immensely talented blogger - and moderately talented fantasy football player - Nikki acts as a commissioner) came up with one of the funniest team names of the year: Barracko Bombers.

The other day I was listening to a debate between two of our employees about who serves better coffee, Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. Both people were pretty passionate about their respective side of the argument, which lead me to think three things: (1) Isn't this really a debate as to whether they'd rather enrich the shareholders of a Seattle based company or a Boston based company by overpaying for coffee that they can get for free at work? (2)Clearly they don't have enough work to do; and (3) Perhaps they should switch to decaf.

My birthday is just around the corner, so I'll expect to come back from vacation to see a pile of gifts on my desk from my dedicated reader(s).

Meanwhile, I'm leaving Grant in charge during my absence. Don't even think about trying to tempt him with J-bunnies. He's far too smart for that.

An Open Letter to Home Depot

2008-08-27T09:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Home Depot,

Let me begin by telling you how much I enjoy spending time in your stores. It's probably the closest I'll ever come to knowing what its like for a woman to walk into a shoe store (or for pinknest to walk into a restaurant). It's extremely rare that I leave your store without buying one or two items that I hadn't planned on purchasing (and will likely never use).

Which brings me to the point of this letter. About a year ago you installed self-service checkout scanners, which you marketed as a convenience for your shoppers. At the same time, you begin to reduce the number of registers manned by employees. When the time comes for us to pay for our purchases, we examine the long line at the one non-self service register and, like good little lemmings we head over to the self-service area, scan and bag our own merchandise, insert our money or credit card into the machine, and head home ~~to fondle our new purchases~~.

As I waited in line this weekend for my turn to tithe at the Home Depot altar I was struck by the revelation that I have, in effect, become a part-time Home Depot employee which, according to your careers site, entitles me to receive benefits benefits including, vacation.

As it turns out, I'm going on vacation next week (sorry about the short notice) and I fully expect to be paid during my time off.

Frankly, I'd ask the same of my local supermarket but the truth is that their benefits are so horrible that I'm considering resigning (that is to say making the cashier handle my purchases) - but that's another open letter entirely.

Your friend,

Joe

VPness

2008-08-25T16:45:00.000-04:00

Hold on...I don't think title came out the way I meant it.

Have you ever had one of those days in which everything you touch turns out wrong? Where no matter how hard you try to make things right, the hole just gets deeper? One of those days where you finally give up and say "Okay, you win" only to have everyone just keep piling on?

Well, that's pretty much how today has gone.

Then I received a call from my boss, who is one of our Vice Presidents. He told that as part of a department restructuring, I will no longer report to him but will instead report directly to the Vice President of Human Resources for the Americas. While I'll continue to provide HR support to the Tri-State Region, I'll have the added responsibility of supporting our U.S. Brokerage, national Marketing and Communications and national Transaction Management divisions.

He also let me know that I'm being promoted from Director to Vice President.

Erm...of my department, of course, not the country.

It doesn't quite make up for how the rest of the day has gone, but it's still pretty damn nice.

At some point in the next week or two, I'll take my team out them to thank them for their hard work, commitment, and dedication - without which this never would have happened. Meanwhile, drinks are on me, everyone.¹

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¹Simply go out tonight to celebrate and post your receipts on your blog - then email me a link to your blog along with a properly completed expense reimbursement request. It couldn't be easier!²

²Please be aware that all expense reimbursement requests that fail to utilize the proper format will be denied and may not be resubmitted. For details on proper formatting, please refer to the Internet. It's all right there...somewhere.

Keywordsmithing - Part II

2008-08-21T12:46:00.001-04:00

Here's the rest of yesterday's post in which I took some of the more interesting keyword results from my statcounter and added my commentary (in italics) for each.

son'spot
I’m guessing it’s in his bottom dresser drawer

care and feeding of sumo wrestlers
Basically it all comes down to a side of beef and some really huge diapers

aromatherapy with coffee grounds
New Age accoutrements on a budget

cartoon character who collects bottlecaps
Yet somehow Bottlecap Jones never quite took off

telescopic baton legal in colorado?
Because they'd allow the majorettes to see for miles!

be kind to captain butler he loves you so
But I told him that I just want to be friends.

Joe Rhett 2008
You experiment for one night and all of a sudden its all over the web

scarlet was so mean to rhett
Probably because she saw the Joe Rhett 2008 video

7 11 plane
Slurpees now included on the beverage cart

ikea mascot
Who doesn't love that Swedish meatball?

i went to the doctor melissa ethridge
From the “Where are they now?” pages

cup o joe jobs
Well, the first one was at a local supermarket called Pathmark…

define cup o' joe
Two words: Crappy blog.

Joe Bran
Now get your crap in a whole new way!

dragonfly "erratic flight pattern"
Which lead to him being pulled over and arrested for FWI

swimming pool massage vest
A relaxing way to spend the summer

mistress jo may
The hillbilly hooker

"not a marrying man" player
Sounds like a good definition of player to me

steve jobs death pool
It’s just like every other death pool, but with a much sleeker design and people wait on line for hours to play.

interval training smartphone
So that’s why it’s so thin!

crystal cove ssc
Best. Memory. Ever.

Keywordsmithing - Part I

2008-08-20T11:00:00.002-04:00

I was joking yesterday when I wrote about increasing my hit count, but as you can see on the rather (oddly appropriate) phallic looking graph on the left the good people (and by that I mean the lonely males) on the inter-web seem to have taken me seriously and delivered more hits than a BDSM club on a Friday night.

Erm...not that I'd know anything about that.

So for those of you disappointed by yesterday's lack of nude photos of Erica Cerra (and that phrase alone should add another spike to the graph) I can only say - as the impotent man said to his doctor - "No hard feelings."

The main reason I was looking at the keyword analysis was to write another post like this one, in which I take some of the more interesting keyword results and add my commentary (in italics) for each. There were so many that I have to split it into two posts, so stay tuned tomorrow (or completely avoid this blog tomorrow) for the second half.

airborne stranger
He swooped in, saved my life, and all he left behind was this silver feather.

female bodybuilder limerick
There once was a woman from Brussels / Who spent all her time building muscles…

working out makes me horny
And then all I can think about is female bodybuilder limericks.

cup o' joe clothes
Show the world that you...erm…have no life.

chuck norris drink cups
Get your teeth knocked out as you satisfy your thirst!

yankees sign to color
Hours of fun for the entire family!

cup o joe voice over
When just reading this blog isn't painful enough…

not my cup o' joe
The sentiments of most people who stumble across this blog.

joe shrank cup o joe
And readers were never happier.

penis championships
I can only imagine how painful the Taekwondo events must be.

football goalkeeper penis accidentally unveiled
Thus earning him a spot in the aforementioned championships.

french gymnast wets herself
Ah, the excitement of competition.

mexico donkey fellatio
Another Olympic sport that just didn't make the cut.

synchronized diving conjoined twins
Pretty much a lock for the gold, I’d imagine.

interview arborist
So the world wants to know, how do you get your trees to be so darn leafy?

massage my father's
I’ll give you $100,000 if you promise to not finish that sentence.

venus williams nipple piercing
I think she may have just taken her budding fashion empire just a bit too far.

eighty year old hides in unsuspecting family's attic
“At first I thought it was a squirrel, but then I noticed all of these empty tubes of denture adhesive”

writing letters in canada opening
Might I suggest “Dear Canadians”?

my desk rules
Rule one: No diving; Rule two: Under no circumstances is any work to be placed on this surface…

Hit Man

2008-08-19T09:38:00.004-04:00

I just learned a valuable lesson while preparing a blog post by looking at my keyword analysis - which shows the search phrases that people use to arrive at my blog. If I ever get desperate for hits (beyond the 2 or 3 that I get each day), all I need to do is write posts containing one of the following three phrases:

Erica Cerra¹ nude
Erica Cerra topless
Erica Cerra naked

I have no idea why all of these Erica Cerra seekers wound up at my blog, but now they have a reason. Of course none of the links above actually lead to pictures containing any type of nudity , but I should be up to as many as 10 hits per day in no time!

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¹ Learn all about Erica Cerra by clicking here or here.²

²And now you know far more about Ms. Cerra than I do.

The Week in Pictures: Olympic Edition

2008-08-15T13:36:00.006-04:00

Random Friday Thoughts

On the one hand, my softball team's loss in the semifinals of the playoffs last week was disappointing. On the other, I'm thrilled to get my Sundays back just in time to enjoy the end of summer. As an added bonus, my liver will get a chance to recover from the regular beatings it took during our weekly post-game drinking binges.

I'm supposed to be headed to Yankee Stadium tonight where we have killer seats on the third base side. The weather isn't cooperating, though, so I may miss my lone opportunity to say goodbye to the stadium before they tear it down when they open the new one across the street next year.

Anyway, let's move on to the WiP:

The new reality show "Celebrity Astronauts" claimed its first victim when Kermit the Frog was voted off of the spaceship.

Santa Claus wrapped up his annual summer vacation by taking Mrs. Claus on a shopping spree at Harrods in London.

Researchers have discovered that honey bees are excellent interior designers despite their odd preference for deep pile shag carpets in their hives.

The Police wrapped up their final tour this week and it now appears that lead singer Sting has agreed to join The Village People.

Stay tuned for our expanded Olympic coverage, coming up right after this message from Gatorade:

In an effort to keep barbers fully employed, Chinese officials have begun requiring people to have their hair cut every month - a measure enforced by requiring people to have the date of their last haircut shaved onto their heads.

In a story reminiscent of Hiroo Onoda, the former Japanese army intelligence officer who fought in World War II, and did not surrender until 1974, Olympic organizers in Beijing found an extra from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon who was practicing for his big scene and was unaware that filming had wrapped eight years earlier.

China claimed the first gold medal of the Olympics in the obscure sport of Jestering.

Diving traffic controllers are trying to determine the factors that lead to a near mid-air collision at the Water Cube.

Brazil's Larissa Franca is suing her beach volleyball partner Ana Paul Conelly for harassment after the latter reportedly took liberties during their celebratory hugs.

In an embarrassing moment for the United States, beach volleyball member Misty May Treanor was singing Akon's "Smack That" while stretching before a match when President Bush walked by and misinterpreted her words as a request.

As a result of that blunder, other athletes including Russia's Natalia Uryadov took precautionary measures until the President left the venue.

Gymnastics competitors found themselves struggling to remain upright during their floor routines after pranksters covered the mat in baby oil.

This year's games also include several interludes created with the express purpose of helping to cheer up Grant after his recent illness.

And finally, a dog that qualified for the games was unable to compete after officials discovered that he is a German Shorthaired Pointer, and not a Boxer as they'd originally thought.

HA HA HA HA HA...I really can't resist stupid jokes.

Okay, gotta run...I just found the perfect top for my SSC to wear when I go to visit her in a few weeks and I need to get one for her before they sell out.

Wait...Gain?!?

2008-08-12T08:31:00.005-04:00

Inspired by...erm...my expanding waistline, I recently began a weight loss and fitness regimen. While I've been working out for nearly a month, it was only last week that I got around to buying a scale. My goal is to lose 20 pounds and here's what I've done thus far:

Week 1: 206.0 lbs.
Week 2: 206.8 lbs.

Wait...wtf?!?

I suppose if I'm going to be completely honest with myself I'll say that my complete lack of success has a lot to do with two things:

1. My exercise routine which has been largely limited to cardio work which has the unfortunate side effect of rendering the old "muscle weighs more than fat so I guess I gained muscle" excuse moot.

2. My diet which has largely revolved around occasional bouts of eating less and even less frequent attempts to eat healthy. To give you some insight, my typical line of thinking goes something like this: "Tempura must be good for you. Sure, its fried...but they're vegetables!"

Anyway, as I laced up my sneakers last night I remembered that the secret to burning fat via exercise can be summed up in two words: interval training - and with that I was re-energized and off for my best run in a long, long time. Of course, by the end of my workout my legs were burning, my breath was ragged, and my heart was threatening to pound its way out of my chest.

And as I bent over alternately trying to inhale roughly 2/3 of the oxygen available in New York State and trying not to pass out in the street in full view of my neighbors I suddenly remembered the four words that go with interval training: intense pain and nausea.

Come to think of it, winter is just around the corner and I'm going to need a little excess padding, right?

An Open Letter to Cell Phone Manufacturers

2008-08-07T10:25:00.006-04:00

Dear Nokia, LG, Motorola, Apple, et al.,

In an attempt to inject some humor into a recent open letter to Steve Jobs, I think I may have hit upon an idea that could make you the most profitable company not only in your market sector, but in the history of the world. I'll give you a minute to read the post - and no, I'm not talking about it ironing shirts or cooking meals. While both would be wonderful, I'm specifically referring to the third idea.

Anyway, would it be possible for you to get someone working on that right away? To be honest, my current cell phone has lost much of its luster because all I can think about is how it lacks that feature.

Thanks.

Your Friend,

Joe

Duty Free

2008-08-05T13:25:00.004-04:00

How immature have I become, you ask?

I just typed the following phrase in a disciplinary action memo that I'm preparing:

"As an exempt employee, you are expected to work the hours necessary to fully discharge your duties. "

The sad thing is that I couldn't stop laughing when I proofread and said aloud "fully discharge your doodies."

Clearly I need a vacation.

Forget Me Not

2008-08-04T13:26:00.003-04:00

Where have I heard this before?

Oh, that's right. I think it was here.

An Open Letter to Steve Jobs

2008-07-31T14:29:00.001-04:00

Dear Steve,

At some point I, like every other person in the world, will probably buy an iPhone. Of course, if history is any indication, about two months after I buy it Apple and every other phone maker in the world will render the it obsolete by coming out with a smart phone that not only does everything the iPhone does, but also irons your shirts, cooks your meals, and performs oral sex at the push of a button.....

Erm...sorry. I lost my train of thought for a few minutes there.

Anyway, Apple has done a great job not only being on the cutting edge of technology but being an innovator. Still, I can't help but feel that there are tons of opportunities out there that you're not taking advantage of so during a recent meeting I took the opportunity to stop paying attention to whatever the meeting organizer was talking about so that I could jot down a few ideas. Here's what I came up with:

iBALL sporting equipment

iBEAM portable flashlights

iSIGHT fashion eyeglass frames

iSORE massage parlors

iTOOTH dentures

iWEAR clothing line

iGLASS drink ware

iLASH dominatrix gear

You could also further infringe on Microsoft's territory by creating a vacation website built around Apple designed iLiner cruise ships that would ferry people to your own uniquely designed tourist attractions like the iFfel Tower.

And finally, there's my greatest idea. You could create a whole new concept in bathroom fixtures called...

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

The iPotty!

Anyway, I would have come up with more ideas, but the meeting organizer asked me a question and I had to pretend I'd been paying attention. No doubt you'll be contacting me with a lucrative offfer to join your team and we can discuss more of my ideas at that time. So with that said I'll end this letter here and will await your call.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Joe

Happy Birthday to Choo

2008-07-28T08:46:00.006-04:00

He's been my little buddy since the first time I met him. Before I'd even dropped my luggage he was showing me his bubbles and dragging me outside to play with him.

I guess that was our bonding moment because since then he's been my little shadow every time I've gone to visit SSC. We've played football together (he's fearless and unflaggingly optimistic that he can tackle me, his brother, and his uncle despite the fact that everyone is at least twice his size); we've wrestled; we've watched more Power Rangers cartoons than I even knew existed; and I've woken up to find his foot in my face (or in other places even less comfortable) more times than I care to remember.

There's never a day when he fails to make me laugh, and by now we've established a series of games in which he tells me that he ate all of my breakfast (despite the fact that I'm 3,000 miles away), or that he's going to eat me all up. He's also become my extended ring tone in that when he knows I'm calling he'll chase SSC down no matter where she is and will tell her I'm calling in that frenzied way usually reserved only for children who see an ice cream truck approaching.

A few weeks ago he started using SSC's cell phone to call me on a regular basis. I'm not sure that he knows exactly where to hold the earpiece, so the conversations often consist of me saying "Hello? Hello? " and him saying "I can't hear you!" and then shouting "Mom, he hung up!" Inevitably, he hangs up in frustration as I repeat "No, Choo. I'm right here." again and again into the phone. At first I thought he'd been asking SSC to call me so he could talk but then I discovered that he'd learned to read my name and was calling on his own.

Anyway, he's bringing a weekend of birthday celebrations for him to a close by turning four today and I just wanted to write this to wish him the happiest of birthdays.

Happy birthday Choo Choo!

The Week In Pictures: Off to the Races Edition

2008-07-25T14:00:00.002-04:00

Random Friday Thoughts

I'm off to the races shortly to join my friends on our annual trip to Saratoga where we'll visit the historic site of the American Revolution's Battle of Saratoga, wander aimlessly through the art museums, take refreshing nature walks...

Oh wait. We're actually not doing any of those things. I meant to say that we're going to drink heavily and bet on horses.

Anyway, right now I'm stuck at work waiting for my boss to call after her flight lands so that I can reassure her that yes, I can indeed do my job correctly (despite all evidence to the contrary). It's been a remarkably stressful few weeks both personally and professionally, and I can't tell you how badly I need this weekend with friends.

So with all of that said, let's move on to the WiP:

Difficulties in the world's economy have reached as far as the Vatican, which announced that the Pope has been forced to take on a second job as an Australian Police officer.

Finnish Foreign Minister Alexander Stubb called a proposal to combine cabinet meetings with power walks this autumn plan to highlight health issues "F***ing ludicrous!" Later he explained his remarks calling it "The dumbest idea I've ever heard."

The publisher of disgraced author James Frey's new book "Bright Shiny Morning"have put a disclaimer on the novel stating that, while it - in marked contrast to "A Million Little Pieces" - is correctly billed as a work of fiction, it's so boring it may turn readers into stone.

The company behind the planned Chutes and Ladders theme park declared bankruptcy this week after they were unable to open the attraction because they'd forgotten to order the chutes.

Joining millenniums-old Orion, Ursa Major is the newest constellation, which astronomers have named "Asian Boy Band."

Spanish matador Jose Miguel Perez Joselillo survived a scary moment when he was nearly gored by a bull.

Fortunately, after a quick check of his manhood, he proudly showed the audience that he was, indeed, still intact.

Lambskin won the Child Roping competition at the Mutton Rodeo with a record time of just over six seconds.

World 400m Hurdles champion Kerron Clement nearly failed to qualify for the U.S. Olympic team after stopping in the middle of a race to pose for the cameras.

Satan dammed "to my house" riders in the Tour de France after becoming frustrated when they prevented him from crossing the road.

"So You Think You Can Dance" judges were wowed when a pair of competitors overcame adversity by finishing their routine despite a water main break that flooded the stage.

And finally the Spiderman family enjoyed a summer day in NYC by having a picnic on the side of a skyscraper.

Summer-No-Time

2008-07-22T12:05:00.005-04:00

Hi. Just popped up for a quick breath and thought to myself "Why use these precious few moments to run to the restroom when I can spend them blogging?"

It's summertime and that would usually mean that work slows down, but apparently that's not the case here. Instead my days have been filled with urgent calls and meetings as we try to complete a project with ever changing targets and vague guidelines. It's just one of the many, many things that makes it so fun to run a department.

That said, where there are problems there are also opportunities- and this is an excellent opportunity for any of you to volunteer to come to NYC to help me out. Your no-expenses-paid trip will include an exciting elevator ride to the 17th floor, a view of the building across the street, all the ambiguity you can handle, and quality time watching write blog posts while you do all of my work.

I'm pretty sure that SSC will be the first to raise her hand. After all, she's worked at this company and she'll want to provide all of the support and comfort she can for me during this difficult time. In fact, I'd be shocked if she weren't already on a plane, winging her way out here.

The down side is that there's no way I'll be able to concentrate on work if she does.

This is also a wonderful time for Becky and Giggle to get their respective fetuses some valuable work experience that will look terrific on their resumes when they...erm...are born.

And finally, I'm not sure if it's too late but if you can make it up here, Grant, I have some co-workers I'd like you to infect.

That is all. Move along people. There's nothing to see here.

An Open Letter to MLB All-Star Game Tourists

2008-07-11T15:40:00.011-04:00

Dear MLBASGT,

The Major League Baseball All-Star game is being held at Yankee Stadium this evening and since some of you may be visiting our fair city in order to attend the game, I thought I'd create a primer for you.

The fourth annual All-Star red carpet parade, consisting of 110 of baseball's greatest current and retired players is underway just a few short blocks from my office. They're expecting a million people to attend. I was going to drop by, but 1,000,001 is such an awkward number and I didn't want to cause any problems for the writers covering the event.

After the parade is over, I plan adjust the red carpet run so that it runs from Penn Station to my office. It should make my morning walk to work more pleasant and will have the added bonus of allowing my blog reader a place to stand and ~~toss heavy objects at my head~~ take my picture.

Joining such venerable destinations as Times Square, the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, and Central Park, is New York City's newest tourist attraction, climbing the New York Times Building. I believe that the volume of recent attempts has something to do with a rumor I've been spreading about a restaurant recommended by pinknest that's only accessible by scaling the building's facade.

In contrast to our reputation, New Yorkers are a friendly lot. Don't be afraid to offer a hale and hearty greeting to everyone you meet! If you're lucky, you may even hear a native New Yorker offer a traditional greeting of "F***ing tourists!" in response!

While here you can expect to read plenty of coverage of the pending divorce of New York Yankee All-Star Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez (known as A-Rod) and his wife Cynthia (known as C-Rod). Most recently, stories swirled about an alleged affair between A-Rod and Madonna. In the aftermath, Cynthia sought refuge in the Paris apartment of rocker Lenny Kravitz. Tabloid reports were oddly silent commentary on the fact that she'd apparently exchanged an A-Rod for a K-Rod.

Ugh..sorry.

Finally, and most importantly, it's customary for tourists to seek me out when visiting in order to present me with small, yet valuable gifts.

Hope this helps!

Your Friend,

Joe

Baldwin or Baldlose?

2008-07-07T08:53:00.004-04:00

The formal campaign for the President of the United States is in the midst of a brief cooling off period before the candidates are formally nominated during their party's respective conventions later this year.

While it's far too early for me to decide for whom I'll cast my ballot, I have to admit that this bit of news weighs very heavily in Obama's favor.

In fact, if it gets widespread publicity, it'll be difficult to imagine how the vote won't be unanimous.

The Month in Pictures: June 2008

2008-07-01T13:22:00.000-04:00

In an effort to save fuel and speed security lines, airline passengers will now be limited to one carry-on bag and can wear nothing but than a pair of briefs while traveling.

A clown was killed in a tragic accident when a pack of balloon animals he'd been selling suddenly turned on him.

Campus police foiled an assassination attempt by Rhode Island School of Design President Roger Mandle against famed cellist Yo Yo Ma.

A motocross rider's attempt to set the world's highest jump record ended abruptly when he collided with a 747.

Police shut down a fashion show after they determined that some models were wearing X-rated clothing.

While the Phoenix Lander has yet to find actual life on Mars, scientists are encouraged its discovery of a discarded sonogram picture.

Doctors say that they have reason to believe that a recent eye infection outbreak may have originated in Switzerland.

A woman who hadn't washed her hair in over six months awoke with a new hairdo after getting caught in a rainstorm during the previous afternoon.

Battle Creek. Michigan residents are still digging out after a machine malfunction at the Post Cereals plant buried the town in an Alpha Bits blizzard.

What began as a playful stunt ended in tragedy after Darth Vader awoke while a vacationing Stormtrooper was trying to bury him in the sand.

Looking for the Cup O' Joe corporate offices? Just bear left when you come to the fork in the river.

Yoga schools reported that as a result of using this picture in their advertising materials, record numbers of men have enrolled their significant others in classes.

A fan's desire to support his team during the recently concluded Euro 2008 Soccer Championships backfired when his friends christened him with the unfortunate and impossible to shake moniker "Ball Face"

Free Tai Chi

2008-06-26T17:47:00.000-04:00

While walking through Bryant Park on my way to work this morning I noticed a sign that said Free Tai Chi lessons - Tuesday and Thursday 7:30 a.m.

Now I don't know where exactly Tai Chi (though I assume it's somewhere in Asia) is, but I firmly believe that we have a moral obligation to help others cast of the chains of oppression wherever it might exist, so I was all for learning how to help so, of course, I stopped and waited.

At 7:30, they made us get up and stretch. I suppose they didn't want any pulled muscles or lawsuits resulting from same distracting them from their mission. Afterwards, they coached us through a series of slow motion martial arts movements that seemed designed to tell the Tai Chian¹ leaders that if they don't free their people, we're prepared to start moving much more quickly and go all Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon² on their collective asses.³

Anyway, after about 15 minutes of this I grew bored and found myself gazing wistfully at the Jamba Juice store across the street. Frankly, I could hardly see how this whole slo-mo Akido thing was going to help, so I left.

Next time I'll just ask if I can sign a petition or something.
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¹ Sorry, I don't know what the proper name is.

² Though in my case it would likely be more along the lines of Jack Black starring in Kung Fu Panda

³ Though how well that would work against modern military weapons remains to be seen.

I'll Take Manhattan

2008-06-25T08:00:00.005-04:00

I had three revelations the other day as I swam my way to work in the approximately 392% humidity that had descended upon NYC:

1. It’s idiotic to require a person to wear a suit and tie to work when the temperature is over, say, 75 degrees.

2. At some point during the morning I was going to have to buy a new shirt to replace the one I was in the process of soaking through.

3. I. Hate. Summer.

Before you blast me for that last statement, allow me to put it in context. It’s not that I hate summer per se. In fact I enjoy barbecues, softball, landscaping, swimming and a whole variety of outdoor activities. You'll notice, though, that those are all recreational activities. It's going to work in NYC during the summer that I really abhor.

From the ~~uncomfortable~~ oppressive heat and humidity; to the ~~vaguely~~ disturbing odors that waft through the thick, soupy air; to the searing subway temperatures that make the bowels of hell seem air conditioned by comparison, its a miserable few months.

So in keeping with the proud tradition of selling Manhattan without proper ownership - which began when the Lenni Lenape tribe sold it to the Dutch for $24 in beads and trinkets - I’m now offering the entire island to the highest bidder on the express condition that they move it to a cooler climate.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an industrious nation looking for a can't miss tourist destination. But wait, there's more! Act now and we'll also include the entire population of the city. It's not as if the vast majority of them ever travel more than twenty blocks from home anyway, so it's likely they won't notice the difference. There is one exception to that rule, but that's easily dealt with. Simply rename one of your bucolic villages “The Hamptons” and they’ll all flock there in the now-much-more-temperate summer months without a second thought.

Of course, I realize that the logistics of moving an entire island may prove insurmountable, so if this proposition fails, I’m more than willing to just sell the naming rights to some corportation in exchange for a retractable dome and climate control.

“New York Citibank” comes to mind, but I’m open to other suggestions.

Mint Condition

2008-06-23T14:02:00.003-04:00

I slumped to my knees in exhaustion as I gazed upon the detritus of the now eerily quiet battlefield. The carcasses of my enemies lay strewn in piles, the stench burning my nostrils and making my eyes water. It had been a fierce battle. At times I was near surrender before I called upon reservoirs of strength that I never knew I possessed to carry forth the fight. Bone weary I struggled to my feet, to bag and cart away the deceased before the next day’s blazing sun and heat could do its damage, and before their brethren could rally around their martyrdom.

No matter how weary my body, I could not find rest that night. Even the slightest movement of my aching muscles reminding me of the savagery that had taken place just hours earlier. When I did sleep, it was for brief periods that were invariably broken by dreams that ended with me being awoken by the sound of my own screams. Mostly, though, what kept me awake was the ice-cold realization that far underground, the roots of resurgence were talking hold, and that I had only won the first battle in what would certainly be a long and protracted war.

For the remainder of my days, I knew would spend the better part of each summer locked in battle with my sworn enemy: the mint plants that had invaded my garden.

E.J.

2008-06-18T13:58:00.003-04:00

Hey kids.

I'm back for a few seconds to let you know that I have a new nephew (and Jasmine has a baby brother) E.J. was born on Sunday morning. Pics are below.

We'll be back to our regular posts as soon as I can get my head above water here at work.

Just a few hours old and already rockin' the skull cap...

Apparently they ran out of blankets and had to swaddle him in some sort of oven mitt.

Don't worry, E.J. You're not alone. I can't tell you how many times I've had to have someone prop up my head after a hard night of drinking.

Jasmine remains a little ham while E.J. already seems bored with the whole picture taking thing.

Sex and the Star Wars

2008-06-04T08:06:00.010-04:00

The internet buzz was staggering, beginning over a year in advance and steadily building until the premiere.

There were pre-premiere theme parties to which many guests arrive in costume.

There were eagerly awaited midnight showings with huge crowds lined up outside waiting to be among the first to experience the extravaganza.

Fans and journalists alike rushed to write about the experience and to analyze every detail of the movie. As was to be expected, some were thrilled with the finished product while others decried every aspect of it - many calling it to account for the myriad ways in which it fell short of the original.

Even the least satisfied fans revealed their desier to sit through repeated viewings of the movie, reveling in every second of its somewhat bloated two-hour plus runtime.

The similarities are endless, but the point remains the same:

The Sex and the City movie is Star Wars for women.

Still, if given a choice between the two crowds, I'd invariably choose the SATC group.

After all, they dress better, there are copious amounts of alcohol served at their parties and, as previously mentioned, they're nearly invariably female.

Probably the most compelling argument in their favor, though, is that when they say that they love the movie because it reminds them of how they and their friends interact, they aren't referring to a 7 1/2 foot-tall hairy guy with a speech impediment and another friend who has an unrequited crush on his own sister.

TSD? I Thought You Said Something Else..

2008-06-02T13:06:00.006-04:00

I read an article recently about temperature-dependent sex determination (TSD) in alligators.

Apparently, through some experiments conducted in the early 1980's that were based on controlled incubation in a laboratory and also by carefully recording temperatures in natural nests in coastal Louisiana, they were able to determine that higher temperatures, 32-34° C (90-93° F), produced all males while slightly lower ones, 28-30° C (82-86° F) resulted in all females. Temperatures below 28° C or above 34°C produced a mix of genders, skewing towards female.

Recently, however, scientists determined keeping eggs at exactly 31°C for the entire incubation period resulted in this.¹

Which certainly explains a lot.

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¹ For any non-Americans, here's a link explaining the previous link.

The Month in Pictures: May 2008

2008-05-30T10:06:00.008-04:00

Random Friday Thoughts:

Okay, seriously folks, was that the best you could do with your deep, dark secrets? sigh...

As I reflect upon my life one thing has become apparent. Clearly I didn't make the most of having summers off as a child. That's way too much responsibility for a child anyway. They should make children go to school year round and let the adults take summers off. I'm going to write to my congressional representative with that suggestion.

And on that note, lets move on to the MiP:

President Bush may finally see some military action as war protesters super-glued him to an Air Force Academy graduate who is slated to serve in Iraq.

Meanwhile, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton tried to persuade uncommitted super delegates of her ability to lead by having her face carved onto Mount Rushmore.

Police have added extra patrols at a local department store that they feel may have been targeted.

The Giant Panda Olympics kicked off with the tug-of-war competition.

Unfortunately, several of the participants had to be hospitalized when the rope broke sending them hurtling backwards.

Chelsea's Joe Coleman was red carded when he misunderstood his coach's instruction to mark Manchester United's Rio Ferdinand and head the ball at every opportunity.

The Guinness Book of World Records has another member as a man set a record by eating six flaming marshmallows in ten seconds.

A Russian woman failed in her attempt to enter the record book when the world's largest broom collapsed as she attempted to sweep up some dust on the moon.

A train derailment is being blamed on a drunken cat who was hired as a conductor just two weeks ago.

I suppose that was a Cat-astrophe. HA HA HA...ha...erm...sorry.

Saying that they are simply "tired of swimming" after two million years in the water, turtles abruptly took to the skies this week.

A woman is suing a Body Piercing Training Academy after she fell asleep and awoke to find that the entire student body had used her face for practice.

And finally, hell froze over last week, leaving Satan stricken with a severe case of frostbite.

Dark Matter

2008-05-29T08:11:00.004-04:00

"But that's why I don't like movies so much. There's always a scene where someone starts crying and tells someone else about his deep, dark secret. It always happens. But in the real world you keep the secret to yourself. The darker it is, the more you try to keep it to yourself, the more you'll try to keep it from the people you love the most because they might stop loving you if they knew. You might think about it but you never tell anyone. Isn't that why they call it a secret in the first place?" - Michael Kun

After reading that that yesterday and I put the book down for a moment and wondered if people really do have dark secrets.

At my last job there was a little guy (about 5'5) who was the assistant to the Vice Chair. He used to bully and taunt the women that worked around him. He'd make racially insensitive remarks to the woman that sat next to him, he'd turn down the phone of the hearing impaired woman who sat on the other side of him. He'd make anti-religious remarks such as "The devil be with you" to a devoutly religious office services clerk that delivered our mail. Finally against all odds - and proving that there may, indeed, be someone for everyone, a woman at work dated him. She soon saw him for what he is, and eventually he hounded her until she filed harassment charges against him.

He thought he had position power because he worked for the Vice Chair. But if you thought about it for a moment, you realized that he wasn't the Vice Chair, he was the Vice Chair's secretary. As his HR person, I had to deal with issues related to him nearly every day and, like most bullies, he ran and hid when confronted. His secret was his deep level of self-loathing, which caused him to pick on people the way I'm sure he was picked on outside of work.

The last woman I dated seriously before SSC also had a dark secret which, interestingly enough, was the boyfriend she had on the side while she was dating. I later discovered that this was the same boyfriend she had one the side while she dated the guy she was with before me. I suppose the fact that she continually went away of vacations with her "best friend" - including one time in which I awoke from surgery to a voice mail from her saying that they were going on a last minute trip to Malaysia and that she'd see me in a few weeks.

She always worried about what people thought of her and, as a result, worked hard to make her exes seem like the bad guys in their breakups. What she never realized is that what people think doesn't matter, it's what you do that really matters. People are smart and eventually the truth comes to light.

So do I have a secret? Of course I do - and its huge. I'm not ready to share it yet, though.

But keep in mind the last secret that I disclosed to the blog world and you'll quickly realize that those are the types of secrets I prefer. The things that you aren't ready to share with the world, but that make you smile each time you think of them. To me, those are far better than the ones that make you turn ugly with fear and hatred.

So blog readers, what secrets do you have? Its okay. I won't tell.

Erm...now I'm terrified at the thought of what Grant might write.

Random Wednesday Thoughts

2008-05-21T08:23:00.015-04:00

Stay tuned throughout the day today for more random thoughts*

8:44 a.m. - If someone teaches you how to make cologne and perfume would you call them your scentsei?

10:09 a.m. - And would the fragrances they create be scentseitional?

11:01 a.m. - Do you realize America is up in arms about paying over $4 a gallon for gas (still ridiculously cheap by world standards), and yet we think nothing of paying $1 for a bottle of water, which is the equivalent of $7.57 a gallon for something we can easily get for free?

1:13 p.m. - I've been working so much that the only way I can tell what day of the week it is is by thinking about what they're serving in the executive lunchroom. They had pizza today, which means it must be Wednesday.

3:05 p.m. - After a long and sometimes tedious campaign that began back in January, it appears that we’ve finally reached an end. The upstart challenger seems to have overcome some missteps that plagued him when he became the front-runner seem to have died down in recent weeks, clearing the way for him to be crowned. He’s been largely embraced by the young, and their energy and unflagging support appears to be the key to victory. Hold on a second. I forget. Was I talking about Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama or American Idol hopeful David Archuleta?

5:05 p.m. - My local bookstore often conducts book signings at which the authors hold brief Q&A sessions. After a recent event some teenagers took over podium and seating to conduct a mock press-conference and it was among the funniest things I've witnessed in a long time. Typical of the rapid-fire-dry-wit exchanges was this one:

Teenager 1 (at the podium): "I expect to earn over $365,000 from this book - or over $1,000 per day."

Teenager 2 (in the audience): "How did you come up with that amount?"

Teenager 1: "Division."
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* New and improved - now with 100% fewer insights!

Week in Pictures: Sunburn Editon

2008-05-16T17:34:00.001-04:00

Random Friday Thoughts

Softball season is already well underway and so for...welll...we're playing horribly. In fact, the only thing I'm looking forward to is the fact that it's supposed to be sunny, which will allow me to check out the sunburn line on my forehead to see exactly how much hair I've lost over the winter.

Summer hours kick off next week which means that I'll be off at 3 pm every Friday from Memorial Day through Labor Day. Can't wait.

Anyway, let's move on to the WiP...

Among the favors given out at Jenna Bush's wedding last week were coffee mugs that when filled with a hot beverage magically change into a naked picture of the President.

In a nod to the British sense of propriety, St. Paul's Cathedral will now blush at any hint of a national scandal.

The Swedish hockey team says they've perfected an offensive strategy that makes it nearly impossible not to score.

Other teams - such as the Swiss pictured here - have failed miserably while trying to mimic the strategy.

Infamous blogger Grant has invented a device that sends a signal to his cell phone whenever a woman that he may find attractive enters into a one-mile radius of his current location.

Kate Hudson was briefly hospitalized due to stomach pains and shortness of breath brought on when she was unable to stop laughing as Matthew McConaughey tried to convince her that he can, indeed, act.

New York City laid out grids on all of it's sidewalks in the hopes of luring the prestigious and potentially lucrative Water Balloon Dropping convention to the city.

A model who had a chandelier attached to her head claims that she's now capable of having up to eleven ideas at once.

The theory of evolution received a boost when a woman who failed clean her mop for over a decade reported that life had begun to form on it.

Members of Oz's gay and lesbian community successfully lobbied to have a portion of the famed yellow brick road repainted to reflect what they call "the diversity of the entire community"

Members of Australia's government were shocked when they arrived at work this morning to learn that aliens had picked up and transported away the entire Parliament building.

And finally, a member of the Spanish synchronized swimming team was forced to resign from the team after she was unable to overcome her deathly fear of water.

Novel Thinking

2008-05-14T08:40:00.006-04:00

More conversations I've overheard at work:

Conversation One
Random Male Co-Worker: "Hey, do you have a sec?"
Random Female Co-Worker: "Sure, I have plenty of secs."

Conversation Two
Dick: "So how was your son's baseball game?"
Yolanda: "He did well...I think. I don't really know what I'm watching, though."
Margaret: "What position does he play?"
Yolanda: "He's a..." (struggling to remember) "He's a...Dick knows."
Tom: "Your son is a dick nose?"

One day I'll collect all of these and use them as fodder for a book.

Just Plane Bad

2008-05-07T08:12:00.002-04:00

It was a beautiful voice. We all agreed on that. We marveled at the perfect pitch. Some of us were envious and wished that we were that talented. Others simply listened transfixed and mystified at the way in which she seemed - against all logic - to be able to harmonize with herself. We smiled knowingly and went back to our reading materails, calls, and iPods.

During takeoff, the singing became a nusiance. Like an itch. Our smiles grew tighter and our books more difficult to concentrate on. We could no longer distract ourselves with phone calls, so we turned up our iPods further torturing the people in the seats near us by forcing them to listen to the music seepage from our earphones.

As the plane leveled off, she stopped singing. It must have been a nervous habit we said, as our shoulders relaxed and we reveled in the newfound silence. Then she began to speak - loudly, screechy, and reedy - and we realized that all of the beauty that a voice could have went into her singing, leaving no trace of lovliness for her to use when speaking.

We spend the next two hours of the flight considering begging her to sing again for we knew by now that silence - glorious silence - was not an option at our disposal.

Epiphany

2008-05-06T19:48:00.003-04:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson

I've been playing small for far too long. I've been shrinking for years. As I lay awake one night this week wondering what was wrong with me that I was not worthy of the love and respect of those for whom I've sacrificed so much I realized that I can no longer live with being defined by those that will tear me down and try to reduce me so that they might feel powerful. I can no longer bear the weight of the anger and injustice of others. That I can no longer sacrifice my happiness so that others can prosper as they sit in judgment of me and belittle the things that I've done even as they ask for more. I can no longer allow people to mistake my niceness for weakness and to mock me for turning the other cheek. I can no longer be mocked by the ones for whom I have shown unconditional love. I am worthy of far more than I've allowed others to convince me that I deserve.

From this day forward I shall shine not so that I can feel superior to others, but simply so that I can reach my full potential. I shall not allow others to feel powerful by reducing me. I shall not let others insecurities define who I am and I will no longer seek to earn the respect and kindness of people who have not earned the same of me. I shall stand strong and proud. I will trust myself and will not seek approval from those that act in their own selfish interests for they are not worth my time or interest.

Amd in doing so I shall be the man that I am destined to become and I will find the happiness and peace that I feel that I deserve.

Reading is (Literally) Fundamental

2008-05-01T13:06:00.001-04:00

I'm in the middle of reading four books, none of which seem to be holding my interest, so I thought I'd reach out to you to get some advice. I have to fly to Chicago on Sunday for four days of meetings and I'm looking for something to read on the plane.

What are you reading right now and are you enjoying it? What else can you recommend?

Erm...obviously I don't mean "right now" in the literal sense otherwise the answers would likely be "this blog", "not very much" and "anything but this blog."

On a completely unrelated note, can we put a moratorium on the word "literally" until people learn how to use it? Over the past few days I've (literally) heard the following three examples:

"They will literally be on a plane for the entire season."
...which should make it impossible for them to win any games.

"I've literally been asked that question a million times today."

"I literally drowned on the way to work today."

At least the last one gave me the opportunity to end the conversation by screaming "It's a ghost!" and running away. Anyway, if you wouldn't mind pummelling anyone who uses "literally" incorrectly, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks!

In My Defense, I'm an Idiot

2008-04-30T08:09:00.006-04:00

I was asked to conduct a presentation for one of our diversity networking groups during their annual conference in Washington D.C. last Friday. Figuring that nobody wants to hear me speak for 90 minutes straight, I called a friend and co-worker from our D.C. office to see if she'd have any interest in participating in the presentation.

Unfortunately, while the purpose of the call was clear to me, I apparently forgot that she's unable to read my mind. As a result the conversation went as follows:

Me: "What are you doing on Friday?"

Co-Worker: "Not much, why?"

Me: "Want to meet me over at the Marriott?"

**crickets chirping***

Me: "Erm....hold on. That didn't come out quite right. I meant to say that I'm conducting a presentation at the Marriott on Friday and I could use your help."

So now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the harassment charges to come rolling in...

Give My Regards to Bra Way

2008-04-23T08:30:00.005-04:00

Over lunch yesterday a group of women at my table began discussing an article in the paper about a woman who is suing Victoria's Secret over an idea for a bra design that she claims was stolen from her. One of the women, who is a broker in our Retail division, began talking about a store on 5th Avenue that claims that nearly 80% of women that visit their store are wearing the wrong sized bra.

This lead to a discussion (that I listened to with increasing interest) about how great it would be if someone opened a store in which women could get custom bras made. They bounced and dismissed around a few ideas about what to name the store before finally remembering that I was sitting there. Trying to be inclusive, our General Counsel, Wanda, turned to me and said "Joe, you're a smart guy. What would you call it?"

To which I replied "I don't know. Maybe something like Build-A-Pair?"

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For those of you unfamiliar with the area, the location they were discussion wasn't too far from a store called Build-A-Bear.

Overheard at Breakfast

2008-04-22T08:19:00.004-04:00

A few conversations overheard this moring in the ~~converted conference room~~ executive cafeteria.

Man: "Look at that, Mercedes is making buses for New York City now"
Woman: "Really? Mercedes buses? What's next, are they going to start making Benzes too?"
Man: "..."

Man 1: "What's with all of the matzohs today? I want to make toast."
Man 2: "Expense controls. We're cutting back on leavened bread."

Which reminds me of something I overheard at a Starlight Starbright event that I volunteered at last year. We were setting up when one of the group leaders got a page.

"The Naked Juice people are here," said the person on the other end. He got a panicked look on his face and said "I'd better check this out."

"A few minutes later he came back, looking embarrassed and relieved.

"I thought they said Naked Jews," he explained. "I was worried that it was some kind of protest group."

Week in Pictures: 80 Degrees in NYC Edition

2008-04-18T11:57:00.000-04:00

Random Friday Thoughts:

Not to sound like Slinger, whose recommendations are always solid, but much to my surprise (I've never been a big fan) I'm greatly enjoying the new R.E.M. release, Accelerate.

Spring has apparently sprung here in NYC....and have I mentioned how much I despise the heat?

I have to do a presentation at a conference in DC next week and I have no idea what to say. Do you think it's a good job to just read various blog posts to them?

Anyway, let's move on to the WiP:

Studies show that as the economy worsens, infants are staying in the womb longer - sometimes into their teenage years.

Much to their dismay, a team of skydivers found that arranging themselves in a snowflake pattern did not cause them to float harmlessly to the ground.

According to a recent survey, Berlin's roadways are said to have the worst pothole problem in the world.

Trying to establish her reputation as a regular "blue collar" woman, Hillary Clinton has begun doing shots with her supporters at every campaign stop.

Archaeologists discovered the nearly perfect remains of a Neanderthal who apparently froze to death while going to the bathroom.

Newly pregnant Nicole Kidman was said to be nearly inconsolable after her husband, Keith Urban, made a joke about how close she came to having Tom Cruise's child.

A team of enterprising lumberjacks have fitted a giant Ferris Wheel with blades, allowing them to clear acres of land in mere seconds.

An local man has invented a massage vest that allows users to target specific sore spots by setting cell phones to vibrate and dialing the specific number. The vest retails for $100, not including the 15 cell phone service plans required.

After a rough week in which thousands of flights were cancelled, American Airlines has set aside special areas in which passengers can say a quick prayer that their flight will take off on time.

Beset by financial troubles, Sesame Street star Big Bird is selling his palatial estate, which includes a giant swimming pool and bird bath.

The zoo at Nuremberg incurred the wrath of PETA after photos emerged showing that they were using polar bear cub Flocke as child labor.

A clergyman leaped to take away a certain ninth-inning home run, preserving Good's victory over Evil in their annual spring baseball game.

And finally, a group of adorable stuffed baby seals took the streets in protest after a store owner marked them down to 50% off.

Witless Protection

2008-04-17T08:09:00.004-04:00

While walking to work this morning, I saw the first cardinal of spring and you know that what means...

That's right - the Pope is coming to town.

Sorry, I've been waiting weeks to roll that one out.

Speaking of bad jokes (and isn't that what this blog is always speaking of?) that have been sitting around too long, here's another one:

Q: What's the highest paying job in New York State?

A: Working under the Governor

For those of you who haven't heard about this, our Governor was forced to resign last month after it was revealed that he'd availed himself of the services of a prostitution ring which was unusual because...um...let me get back to you on that.

Okay, get back to work while I try to think of something worthwhile to post about...or to work on another WiP.